Love bits ...

“My girlfriend - the mother of my children - and I will be together forever. Wanna know why? Because we’re not married.” ~ John Leguizamo, Sex-a-holics


So, I never thought I’d ever consider marriage again. It’s not like I have a great track record with legally binding relationships. Then you have to figure that it’s hard enough to explain one divorce, but two? Well, that just makes you look … well, like you weren’t smart enough to make it work the first time, didn’t learn anything from it and then screwed it up the second time. Especially when you meet someone who’s never been married and you’re dating and they tell you they don’t see themselves getting married or having kids, only having a Goldie/Russell, common-law type marriage where there is no piece of paper, just a verbal agreement to just be together. Kind of romantic, because you know that two people who are not bound by a court document who choose to stay together are willing to work things out because they actually love each other and find the same things important. The point of that is, you will wonder if they just won’t consider marriage and kids with you because of your past, they aren’t ready or because they really just don’t want that. Because we all know when you meet the right person, it all falls together.

I’m not getting any younger, even if people say I keep looking younger. What I look like and the fact of my age is two different realities. There’s a shelf life on how long a chick is considered viable for relationships and I’m sure that I’m getting near that. I’m not single, but I know that if I am ever to find myself there again one day, it will be that much harder to prove myself in a sea of younger, sugar coated models. I know the man I’m in a relationship with may want something more than what we have one day and perhaps we are moving towards that, but what if we’re not? What if he’s still putting himself out there? What if I’m thinking too much? What if I’m self sabotaging this relationship by anticipating failure because none of my previous relationships worked out? And by not working out, I mean finding out one was still married, another was never divorced, still married and cheating and another just preferred Asian women. Which, I don’t blame him they are beautiful and look 12 years old until they are 60, but seriously? He wasn’t getting any younger either, and age works differently for guys. There is no shelf life except for their sperm and whether they want to have babies while they are young enough to keep up with them or old and established enough to afford medical help. But I digress …

Having your heart broken sucks. Having it smashed repeatedly will make a person doubt every relationship they ever get involved in, be it an intimate one or a friendship. You learn not to trust people and to look for things to prove your conspiracy theories and suspicions are "spot on." You become a sort-of Sherlock Holmes. I’m probably the best at that. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve beat a dead horse and called a bastard out for being a douchebag because by the time I reach the confrontational stage, I already know the answer he’s supposed to give me, but he lies about it – and I push for the truth. I learned that saying, “I love you,” is a verbal band-aid to smooth out tensions and make it all better. It used to work on me until I figured that out. It only took a few times. Word to those less wise: if you look for something, you will find it. So, before you start digging, ask yourself if you are prepared for what you might find and if it’s worth it.

So, now I have this dilemma of wondering whether to trust blindly, with some suspicion or just let it all go and start collecting cats in a new life where I just accept that I’m too damaged to be available emotionally to accept that maybe, when someone says, “I love you,” they’ll mean it. Because I keep digging up everything I shouldn't and trying to explain it away so I can try to live in my happy bubble of self-induced ignorance.