That's right, I'm turning 45 next month, bitches

I’m going to be 45 this year.

And by no means am I ‘aging gracefully’ – whatever that means.  

It’s not like I’m fighting getting older (anymore), but I think I’ve given the thought of aging a lot less importance in my life.

I’m a not as neurotic about the fact that I’m one year closer to 50 … and several years further from the wrinkle-free years (I wasted on dating guys who were not Gerard Butler). I guess I’ve come to terms with my age (and not dating Gerard Butler), along with the changes it brought (like pre-menopause & readers); and now I just exist in this zen-like, ‘awake’ place floating above it all. It’s like I can tow the lines of maturity, experience and youth at the same time now.

It’s quite liberating and a little surreal …

Juuuuuuuust kidding.

I’m crashing into 45 this year like a bull in a China shop. Full speed ahead. Literally.

Because although I’ve always said I lived life by the seat of my pants and every day was a bit of a surprise, 44 was really the year I kind of just said, “f*ck it, this is what’s happening right now.” 

Obviously, I wouldn’t let go of the wheel until I was for sure that Jesus had my back with that emergency break. But my life isn’t together, my grays are out of control, spot-shaving has become an art and I’ve discovered pastel florals and a taste for sugarless coffee.

However, I don’t fixate on those things while trying to navigate that “line between maturity and youth” - which is a phrase I didn’t make up. I either heard or read it somewhere.  It sounds so poetically profound, though, right? But it basically just means I’m immature until I need to step up and be a grown up.

To be honest, I’m just amazed that I’ve raised a 20 year-old human and also still have the same boyfriend I met on Tinder a few years ago.  It’s the important things, right?

Every birthday after 40 used to be a time of self-reflection for me. What have I learned? What don’t I care about anymore? What are my goals and is blogging about them going to make me any more accountable and successful in achieving them? (The answer to that is no, by the way.) Are people really interested in stories about my ex? (Turns out, yes, they are, but I digress.) Does anyone even really care about my gut issues and love/hate relationship with fitness?

Am I really self-reflecting about self-reflecting right now?

Honestly, I don’t really spend much time reflecting on the past anymore. If there’s something I set out to do and I didn’t do it, it wasn’t that important. And as long as the important things get done, that’s all that matters.

Looking back at shoulda-, woulda-, coulda-beens is counter-productive. Actually, I have identified a LOT of things that are counter-productive - the main one being social media.

One of my favorite quotes from Warren Buffet is:

“It can be far too easy to get side-tracked from your own vision when you consume yourself with everyone else’s.”

On social media, it’s super easy to watch and get sucked into what everyone else is doing. There’s no getting online for just a few minutes - before I knew it, I’ve wasted  too many of my own minutes living other people’s lives through my newsfeed.

Or I’d get sucked into browsing special interest pages and groups and it would discourage me from my own creativity and suck my confidence dry.

Then there are the political post debates that I get trapped into trolling because sometimes a girl’s just gotta have fun, ya know? And I’m not online to try and change anyone’s minds as much as I’m there to blow minds.

I don’t know with what yet, it just sounded bad ass to type that out, so I rolled with it.

Anyway, it’s a time-thief and even though I’m still on social media I don’t waste the amount of time I used to anymore.

I just stopped. I’ve unfollowed or left groups that kept me glued to my social media feeds and

only joined or followed ones that served a purpose to me. It’s not personal to anyone or any group in particular, but it is personal to me that I get rid of the distractions that keep me from living my best life and doing the best I can at what I do. It’s no one’s fault - social media is addictive.

It’s not an apology.

I have a beautiful, smart kid, a hot Alpha boyfriend who adores me, parents who love seeing me everyday, brothers that keep me grounded and great friends (and client friends) who support and encourage me everyday. Life may not really be short, but if you spend it talking at things instead of to your people, before you know it, that time is gone and so are your people.

If you want to know what’s both liberating and empowering, it’s logging off technology and being present in your own life. Something I feel like I haven’t been as much of until this last year … I mean, if I were to self-reflect.  

What do I have more time for now? Well, for starters, I have more time to write. I’ve delved into personal projects like prop-making, creative photography, art and even having real life conversations with real people.

Still don’t have the time to start working out again, though, now that I work 7-days a week for the busiest time of my year, but I’m sure I will get there. But I’m not sorry about that nor do I feel like I’ve fallen off a wagon of any kind.

And if social media has driven anything as hard, it has to be the fitness and body-shaming posts. It’s not healthy for anyone regardless of gender or age to feel like they are worthless or not living their best life if they don’t look, eat and workout a certain way and by anyone else’s standards.

Even as I say that, I’m looking at the 15 pounds I’ve gained since I stopped going to the gym and have been semi-self-conscious about for a few months. Like, my boobs look amazing right now and the fat smoothed out the wrinkles in my face, but I’m living in jeggings, leggings and anything stretch right now like a basic bitch with my Spanx shapers.  

I just need Ugg boots and a Starbucks coffee to complete my look.

But, I digress.

I guess 45 is going to be the start of my  “I don’t give a s**t” years.

And I’m okay with that.

Get Your Own: Learn to Let Go of Your Past & Move On

Actual post from said Facebook friend who shall not be named
to protect her privacy, but it starts and ends with an A. 

I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say, it’s just the opposite: I have SO MUCH to say. Every time I sit down to write, I get distracted by life and never finish my thoughts. There’s always work, family, dishes, laundry … It’s like having responsible ADD.  

A few days ago, I hopped on Facebook and saw a friend had posted this status update:

“Ladies: If he is married or has a girlfriend, he is OFF LIMITS! In 2018, don’t text or flirt with a man who is already taken.”

First of all, I don’t care what year it is, don’t go after someone else’s relationship. If God had wanted you to have it, you wouldn’t have to take it from someone else.

Anyway, I agreed with the post but pointed out that it’s not just about the other girl:

The taken or married guy should probably step up and respect his relationship by telling these single ladies who contact him (or maybe they aren’t single either …) that he’s taken and then discourage future communication/conversation. Because if we have to be honest, the kind of girls that will text/call/ sext men who are married or in a relationship, generally don’t stop because a guy says no.

They just step up to the challenge.

Because then it becomes a game: How To Get Someone Else’s Guy In 10 Days (give or take).

A while back, a guy I was dating would get text messages from his ex(es). He said they would randomly text or try to call, but he never text or called them back. He didn’t hide it; it was matter of fact. But that didn’t make me any less curious about why these girls (a few of them married and in relationships themselves) felt the need to contact him or why, if my boyfriend didn’t want to hear from them, didn’t he tell them he was taken or just block their numbers?

Then I had this epiphany: I had also received texts and FB messages from exes at times. These were guys that 'did me dirty.’  Most were messages apologizing for being a douchebag, followed by feelers for a ‘re-do’ or even a booty call in case I was single and lonely. At first, I told them I was in a relationship and wasn’t interested. But they persisted to the point that I just stopped responding. But I didn’t block them right away.

Because - being totally honest - it felt good to tell these guys I once liked and wanted to be with, that I had moved on. It felt good to see (read) them persisting in the same way I kept trying to make a ‘relationship’ with them work when we were together.

And it felt fan-freakin-tastic to tell them NO and then ignore their subsequent messages - and send screens to my BFF so we can gloat (I deserve that much). I felt like they finally knew what it was like to be in my shoes – wanting to be with or talk to someone they couldn’t have and had no interest in them.   

It was a boost to my confidence to know they still thought about me - in any capacity.

Until one day, I had another epiphany: I didn’t care about those messages or what those guys thought of me as much as I cared about the guy I was dating. I blocked all the numbers and deleted every message string and voicemail … and moved on. Because in entertaining my exes, I had left a door open to the past that part of me continued to live in with every text. So those memories, feelings and emotions were always there – anger, sadness, resentment but mostly pettiness – which kept me from fully committing to the relationship I was in at that time.

Letting go was liberating and scary at the same time.  Because at that point, I had truly moved on with my life and knew I no longer had the option to call on my past for anything going forward. I mean, I could still refer to it … but those feelings and emotions were no longer a crutch.

What I’m trying to say is that I can understand how it feels to get that affirmation so long after getting dumped/cheated on (even well into a new, successful relationship) that I am able to tolerate it with a significant other – for a limited amount of time, that is … When it happens repeatedly, it becomes an issue.

Because those triflin’ b****es are not texting their exes without reason or motive.

• They still have feelings
• They heard or stalked social media and see he has someone new
• They want to re-open the connection
• They can’t let go
• They are whores

Even exes who are in relationships or are married can’t let go sometimes. But unless they share kids, there’s really no reason to keep in touch with an ex.

And single girls who text guys whom they know are taken or are married?

• Because that guy shows he’s willing to commit – never mind that they are trying to get that guy who is already committed to break it off, which would only serve to prove how shallow that commitment is in the face of temptation.
• He's been vetted – someone married him, so he must be a great guy. It’s like that saying, “All the good ones are taken …” and then set out to take him.
• Because they can

Why don’t guys put a clean stop to it right away?  

• They like the attention
• Ego boost
• If it’s an ex: Residual feelings about how the relationship ended. If they were cheated on, or dumped harshly, this is like validation.

Guys like to say they just ignore it as a way to say it means nothing to them. Plus replying would only encourage conversation/communication. But ignoring it isn’t telling someone NO or I’M TAKEN or PLEASE DON’T TEXT MY LIFE ANYMORE. It’s just telling them NOT RIGHT NOW. By ignoring it from the beginning, they are encouraging it. It's keeping an option open.

Ladies, listen:

• Going after someone else’s guy is not a challenge, it reeks of desperation and wanting someone else’s sloppy seconds. He didn’t choose you first. Remember that. 
• If he will leave a committed relationship for you, that means there is potential for him to leave you for someone else.

 Dudes, check it:

• The grass is green where you water it. 
• Respect your relationship or break it off first.
• Do you really need to hear from your exes if you don’t have kids together? 
• Needing attention from more than your significant other is weak and a sign of low self-esteem and it's not attractive - to anyone. 

 Just know that I have not one shred of patience for this behavior and – in the words of my 20 year old daughter – will come for someone’s life if they try to take something important from mine.

But THAT said, I also can't make someone want to stay with me if they decide to take an ex or a single lady up on the business. I'll cut them out .... because karma says they'll be hitting me up again real soon after with their regrets.  *shrugs*