Online Shopping Fail

www.Samiedress.com

My daughter has discovered the Asian wholesale market for clothes. The few items I have ordered for her have fit perfect and look cute on her –but then, she’s built like a supermodel.

Me … not so much.

Thanks to CrossFit, I’m built like a mini-linebacker. It’s not traditionally cute, but I’m solid and get to use hashtags like ‘thick thighs save lives,’ ‘gains’ and ‘baby got back;’ which make all my phat pictures #instafunny.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with looking strong. Being able to intimidate my daughter’s dude friends is life. However, the bulk in my back, legs and ass makes it difficult to find clothes that don’t make me look like a garden gnome. Shopping as a size 9 with my height and current shape is not as easy as it was when I was a size 5/6.  So, I don’t do it often, preferring to live in leggings and superhero t-shirts.

Recently, I agreed to be a friend’s date for a formal, and needed a dress. Not just any dress, but it had to be perfect, one of a kind, minimize the size of my back, traps and shoulders, add 4 inches to my height, smooth my lumps, and make me look like I walked out of the pages of a fashion magazine.

What? Don’t act like any of you don’t expect that much out of a dress – or any layered outfit. I see you, basics, and raise you two pairs of UGGs-ly boots, an over-sized infinity scarf and $12 latte. 

However, I was actually looking forward to dressing up for one night. The challenge would be to find something that flattered and flaunted my ‘curves,’ and was not all black and made of entirely of spanx. Not as easy as it sounds.

I just want to look like me, but not like me. Is that too much to ask? 

In the time leading up to the formal, I made my rounds through all the department stores at the mall and didn’t fall in love with anything. But since I had to have something to wear, I eventually settled on a red, flowy dress with crystal bling detail around a high neckline. Although, it might be a little too short for a formal.

YOLO.

You would think after buying the dress, I’d be done. But I wasn’t happy with it, so I left my options open just in case another dress decided to walk through that door.

As luck would have it, another one did.

So, there I was online, scrolling through my newsfeed when – lo and behold – the dress of my Once Upon A Time dreams appeared in an ad for SammieDress. It was lace, red and so perfect I knew I had to have it! And – bonus – it was only $12.

I clicked on the link to the site and checked the reviews – all good. My only concern on closer inspection of the photo was that I’d have trouble with the material fitting across my shoulders and gathering on either side of my traps. It did have a deep, lace V-bodice, but I don’t really have enough cleavage to offend anyone.

While looking at the size chart, making sure I ordered the correct size, I saw a similar dress with a more modest top that I knew would look amazing on my daughter. For a split few minutes, I pictured the both of us wearing our matching red dresses during a mommy-daughter photo session. It was beautiful and just as inexpensive. 

I ordered both dresses and paid for expedited shipping (roughly 7-14 days) so I would have it in time for the formal.

One month later, the dresses arrived.

I was so excited. Not only would I have an original dress for the formal, but I was already planning a photo session for me and my daughter with our matching dresses. But my excitement quickly turned into confusion ... and then disappointment once I opened the package.

These were not the dresses I ordered. And since there are no words to adequately describe what I ordered versus what I received, I'm just going to leave these photos here.

Beautiful, right? That's what I thought. I could
just imagine floating into the formal like a
princess, with a flared hem original. 

What. In. The. Actual. Frick. It looks like
they sewed a lace tablecloth into two
aprons and then attached both sides.
Don't zoom in, it's No-Shave
November. Thanks.

Boo. 

I went back to the web site to make sure there wasn't a disclaimer under the dress stating I might receive anything other than what I purchased. And although there was no small print to say anything like that, there were now photos of two other girls wearing the same dress I bought. None looked like the photo, however both girls were actually happy with the dress even though it was not pretty. 

Good for them. 

There is a money-back guarantee, but I would have to return the item. Since shipping was more than the price of the dresses, I decided not to send them back. I will say this: their customer service skills are better than any sales person I've had to deal with locally. So, I left an honest review on their site and the dress is now hanging in my closet, waiting for a craft project that will no doubt require the shredding of said dress. 

At least I have the dress from JC Penney. Now I just need to find a make-up artist who can make me look like a 20 years younger supermodel. I wonder if SammieDress has any of those ... 

53 Things I Want My Daughter To Know

 “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body, ” ~ Elizabeth Stone

Eighteen years ago, a doctor handed me a 6lb 13oz baby girl and said, “Congratulations, it’s a girl.” 

And while my parents weren’t in the room with me, I’m sure they would have added, “Don’t screw this up.”

So, I didn’t. I hope. At 25 years old, I could barely take care of myself and there I was suddenly in charge of raising a child. It was scary at first because I didn’t know what I was doing. Then it became scarier because I realized that I would never know what I’m doing and I won’t be able to control every situation.

I hugged, hovered and smothered her so much, against the sage advice of older,

more experienced mothers. But I have no regrets.

Because then I blinked and all those years passed - now she is not a little girl anymore. In two months, my daughter will be 18 years old.

I’m sad that she is an adult and will soon be moving on to college and the rest of her life. But I’m also happy and proud that 1) I was able to keep her alive longer than most of my plants, the hermit crab and hamster; and 2) she’s grown into a smart, talented, caring, capable and beautiful young lady. I couldn’t have asked for a better kid.

Although … I could ask for more time.

You know, I always say I wish I could have more time with my daughter, but would

there really ever be enough time? As a mother, a parent, I would say there is never an amount of time short of forever that would be adequate. Eventually, all children have to grow up.

I’m learning to let go a little more everyday, even though I know I will never let go all the way. As she makes her way out into her life, I just hope I was able to impart the things I think she needs to know:

• You can talk to your mom about everything. Chances are, if you’re going through it, I did, too. You can also talk to your dad, as long as NC State isn’t playing, and not too soon after they lose. 

• Learn to say NO. And don’t apologize for it. Say it to boys, teachers, bosses, and friends. Say it to yourself. Own it.

• Family and friends are more important than things.

• Don’t waste time and energy stressing over situations you can’t control. Instead, use your time and energy finding a solution to the situation, or not doing anything at all if there’s nothing to be done. Just move on.

• Don’t be afraid to fail. Sometimes failure is the best teacher. And never be afraid to get up and try again.

• One day, some idiot boy is going to break your heart. I will bury him. Kidding.
  
  You will think the hurt won’t end and you will never feel the same for another boy, but it will and you will, I promise. I’ll show you how.

• You will meet a lot of douchebags before you find your Prince Charming. But it will be because of those douchebags that you will be able to recognize your Prince when he shows up.

• Marry the man who is good to you. But make sure I like him first.

• It’s okay to break up with a good guy if you don’t feel the same. It’s not okay to string him along.

• Tweezers. Because nose hairs.

• Wash your face every morning and night. Use a natural cream or lotion that doesn’t have any added chemicals. Wrinkles are inevitable, but you don’t have to get them prematurely.  

• You’re never too young to start taking care of your body from the inside out. Eat right, take vitamins and supplement the minerals you’re not getting from foods you refuse to eat, like fish and vegetables. Broccoli is not the only vegetable, by the way.

• Find some form of fitness you like and do it.

• Read books.

• Giving is always better than receiving. Hopefully you haven’t inherited my knack for awkward gift buying.

• Don’t let yourself be jaded by life.

• Never take yourself too seriously. Keep your sense of humor and sarcasm.

• Procrastination will catch up with you, so choose wisely what you would put off for tomorrow.

• Don’t put conditions on the right time to do something. It will never be the perfect time and as you wait, your life will pass you by as well as the opportunity for that experience.

• Get unplugged. It’s liberating.

• Call your parents, just to say hi. We love that ish.

• Some girls can be mean. They will judge you and try to break you. Ignore them.

• Always look your best, even when you don’t feel your best.

• Less is more: less make-up, less skin … less over-sharing on social media.
  

• Do what makes you happy.

• It’s okay to cry.

• No matter what you think you are going through, there is always someone going through worse.

• Be comfortable in your own skin.

• Never live up to someone else’s standards of what’s socially acceptable. Be your own person. Live for yourself. Why would you want to be one of the many when you can just be the only you?

• Love yourself. Never compare yourself to others. See above.

• Take time for and treat yourself - to that trip to the beach, a mani-pedi, ice cream sundae or new shirt … a visit to your mom …

• Know your worth. Never settle for friends, boyfriends or jobs.

• Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right. If in doubt, call me.

• Find your voice and don’t be afraid to use it.

• Try not to judge, but know that you will be judged.

• If someone is willing to lie about the little things, they will lie about the big things. Trust wisely.

• Second chances are earned, not given.

• Don’t be afraid to cut your losses, but don’t burn bridges.

• It’s not the quantity of friends that matter. It’s the quality.

• Remember, there is only one person you can tell your business to that won’t turn it into gossip one day – me.

• That said, don’t gossip unless it’s to me. I love that stuff.

• Don’t wear shoes that hurt your feet. You’re welcome.

• Be strong, kind, compassionate and do good things.

• Say what you mean, mean what you say and do what you say you will do. Be honest and don’t lie. Trust is hard to get back once it’s lost.

• You can make your dreams come true. Never lose that focus. It might take longer than you planned, but it will happen. You can accomplish anything.

• Don’t ever stop daydreaming.

• Try new things often.

• Live alone, know what it is to be independent before you have roommates or get married. It’s nice to have your own space.

• Travel. Go see places. Get your mom a t-shirt. Or better yet, take your mom with you.t.

• Rules are more like guidelines. So don’t be afraid to bend them … unless they are my rules. Bend or break them at your own risk.

• It’s okay to not have a plan, as long as you have a goal. How you get there depends on you.

• Don’t wait for the things you want to come to you – go out and get them.

• Don’t ever worry about your parents. We can take care of ourselves. And if you need us, we have your back.

• I love you more. 

In the end, she will have to live her own life and make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons. I just hope she remembers the ideals I tried to instill in her as she deals with the realities and practicalities of being an adult and finding herself in the real world.

And I hope she knows that no matter where she is and what she is doing, she carries all of my heart with her. Because even though she is grown, I will never stop being a mom.

#momsgonnamom #momgame

Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

"Don't mess with the pretty things, they'll make you do stupid things," ~ me

Here I am on the eve of yet another birthday – in five days, I will be 42. I haven’t really given it much thought except to silently hope that no one remembers. Because the barrage of birthday wishes through text, phone calls and social media posts (although appreciated) just serve as a reminder that I’m getting older.

Like everyone’s concerned I’ll forget my own birthday.  

I won’t. Promise.

Every year, I get a new wrinkle and although my daughter assures me I don’t look my age, I know that one day, I will. It’s just a matter of time before I tumble out of what the kids are calling MILF status  - and land on Golden Girl status.

That’s the age at which you’re funny and likeable, but not considered sexy and desirable. So, if I’m still single by that time, I’ll probably be single forever. Because while it’s funny to have a shirt that says Dorothy in the Streets, Blanche in the Sheets, no one actually wants to have sex with a ‘Blanche.’ 

#thisIs42

However, I did happen across an article from 2014 called “In Praise of the 42-year Old Woman”

written by Tom Junod for Esquire Magazine. In it, he declares women of this certain age (not younger, not older) to be the sexiest of any women, although we have to work harder to achieve that status.

His points of reference for his article are mostly actresses of a certain age – those who are 42 or younger who are still being cast as younger women because they won the genetic lottery. He then assures all of us that this will be our last year of being desirable. 

So, he gives us older women a compliment, but with the back of his hand.

Ouch.

Well, not surprisingly, his article caused a defensive uproar with women. They declared the article sexist – as if women needed a man to validate and extend their shelf life. He made a few valid points regarding how much harder women seem to work to retain or regain their youth as they get older. Botox, joining fitness groups, expensive wrinkle creams … and to keep our appeal, we need to be funny and in shape.

I mean, round IS a shape … right? See what I did there? I also CrossFit, so …  I have the “funny and in shape” part down.  I digress.

Being sexy doesn’t peak at 42 and stop at 43. As a matter of fact, although it’s nice to feel sexy, at this point, I just want to be the best version of myself. Not because I want to snag a man, but because “you really can’t love someone else until you love yourself.”  I do love myself, who I am, everything I’ve done, including the stupid things, and who I am becoming. It’s kind of an exciting time for me – a far cry from my anxiety over turning 40 and the years up until then trying to figure out which version of me was the most likeable and popular.

Because who the f*** cares what someone else thinks? They aren’t living my life. I found my

confidence in being myself.

And at the core of Junod’s article, I think what he was trying to say is women of a certain age have a wisdom and confidence you only get with experience and that is very attractive.  

If he would have stopped there, I don’t think anyone would have been offended. Because then he went on to say that after 42, you just get old and all the efforts of a single, older woman to better or preserve herself just look like desperation. But that as the median age “keeps advancing, we have no choice but to keep redefining youth.” 

So maybe the age of 'the new sexy' will be 50 one day?

That’s a load of bull and crap. No one has the right to define anything other than what pertains to his or herself. I’ve always known that, but I don’t think I have always believed or lived by that truth. If I knew then how my life would turn out, maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be someone else for everyone else for as long as I did.

Aside from time wasted, I don’t have many regrets. But if I could go back in time to give my younger self a few pointers, I would. What would I say? Nothing I didn't already know, but maybe just remind me of my own self worth.

• Get off the social media. Life is what’s happening when you are watching everyone else’s scrolling through your newsfeed. Besides, no one needs to know everything you are doing when you are doing it.

• Leggings - get some. You’re welcome.

• Fitness - do it. Also, you’re welcome.

• Wrinkle creams – save your money. Thank you.

• Mom and dad are right. About everything.

• Don’t get a credit card until you are responsible and mature enough to know how to use one.

• Stop with the anorexia and bulimia – guys like a big butt and a smile. Or they will in the year 2015. Plus, it will put hair on your ass – literally. And yellow your teeth and you will lose muscle.

• When you’re preggers, your baby isn’t absorbing the extra food you’re eating.  Your ass is, though. So, eat healthy and responsibly. Trust me on this one.

• Take a second look at the less obvious guy, but don’t lower your standards – those two guys turned out to be MARRIED.

• Do not take professional photos of any guy you are dating – those will end up on their dating profiles - while they are dating you.  Or show up on their new girlfriend’s Twitter feed with the hashtag #MCM.

• Don’t be defined by a relationship. It’s okay to be single.

• Sometimes it’s okay not to give second chances – and thirds and fourths. Just say no.

• As long as you have a working vagina, you will always be sexy at any age – to someone just looking for some ass. But if you are true to yourself, have core morals and values, and respect yourself – then you will be happy with yourself and that will attract not only assholes, but also some great guys who can appreciate a good girl. 

• But if being sexy is a thing for you … you’re a Scorpio. You’re always going to be sexy … at least online anyway.

• You’re going to spend so much time with your daughter, but remember – try to take time for yourself. It’s the only way to get any attention out of her when she’s a teenager.

• Popularity is over-rated. Too many people knowing your business leads to drama.

• With the invention of the Internet, once it’s online, it’s always online. And those ‘modeling’ photos are not attractive – they can be social deal breakers.  

• Take care of the true friends you have because you won’t have many of them.

• Not everyone is meant to be in your life, so cut your losses, but don’t burn those bridges.

• Don’t settle just because you think it’s the only or last chance you are going to get in life, work or love. Trust me on this one, too.

• You’re a writer. Write. Say what you mean and mean what you say because someone will always be offended and you can’t please everyone.

• Don’t beat yourself up over choices and regrets. Everything turned out fine. You did fine.

Actually, I think things turned out better than just ‘fine.’

I’d have to say it’s been pretty real.

And I’m looking forward to the glutinous, iced cupcakes with a side of Ben & Jerry’s Caramel Core ice cream, bringing in my new year with my fave person on the planet: my daughter.