Dear girl with the cherry blossom tree tattoo - nice ass crack

I know we don't know each other personally, I've taken senior portraits of your friends in the past, one of which suggested you as a friend on Facebook last year. However, I recently saw your relationship status update on Facebook switch to single and your response of not knowing why it ended. It's not my business, but I felt this was an appropriate time to address an issue that may or may not be a reason behind why the relationship probably wasn't meant to be, but that actually concerns me directly.


A few weeks ago, you sent a photo of yourself showcasing your finished tattoo artwork (awesome piece, BTW) to my boyfriend. Normally, I could care less except that you were half naked and your ass was hanging out. I know you posted it on your FB page as well, but somehow it seems less wrong to post it publicly than taking the time to send it to individual dudes (if, in fact, you sent it to more than one guy other than my BF). It’s a sign of disrespect to your relationship, mine and any other couple.

Friends with my BF? I doubt it. To be ‘friends’ you would have had to spend a certain amount of time sharing, caring and hanging out - he and I have been dating for almost two years. You’re very, very pretty and I'm sure he pictured you naked plenty of times in his private moments, just like I picture Gerard Butler's hunky bits in my kitchen making me dinner - in nothing but an apron and a man-thong. It's like having a stash of mental porn. But I’m not sending photos of myself half-naked to him out of respect for my boyfriend, and mostly because I don’t have his digits.You get where I'm going with this.

I’m not saying you knew my boyfriend was seeing anyone or that you were doing anything other than showing off your piece (including your ass, no pun intended) to a fellow tattoo enthusiast. If, however, your boyfriend caught wind of you sending pics or suggestively texting or FBing some other dudes (maybe he went through your phone), even if all of those guys are ‘just friends,’ he may not have liked it. To be sure, my guy friends would love it if I sent them glammy pics of myself. But that’s the difference between boyfriends and ‘just friends:’ boyfriends get more than just friends because they’ve earned it through a monogamous commitment - to me.

Considering you may not have known his relationship status (even if he said you were totally in the know), I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t send photos like that to my boyfriend in the future. If you absolutely can’t help yourself and must telephonically share your goodies, I will interpret that as an invitation to share (and tag) as well – with my 2,480 friends who check out my FB wall every day.

Thanks,

D

A note to my cellular phone company

Dear Cellular Phone Company

I wanted to write to thank you for your continuing excellence in customer relations over the time I’ve been with your company. After dealing with dropped calls, inconsistent charges to my bill and outdated cellular phone choices for upgrade options, it’s nice to know that you haven’t changed at all and that I can continue to expect the same shitty service and loyalty that I’ve experienced over the last 10 years I’ve been with your company. Being a part of the largest cellular network, or so you say, afforded me experiences I may have missed out on, had I only went with a go-phone, no phone or land line.

Let’s start with how you connected me internationally to representatives in other countries so that I could experience what it’s like to not be able to understand technical support. Dealing with an international sales/technical support team who can barely speak the English language and doesn’t know f*** about the issue I’m calling about except what one, two or five of any number of multiple choice screens are telling them about key words in my question made me realize that maybe I should learn another language. Except, I’m not sure which one, since I never seem to get the same country or person, and I live in a country where the primary language is English and the only other language that would make sense to learn is Spanish but my calls never seem to get routed to Spain or Mexico.

How about your thank you for my 10 years of continuing patronage by offering me an upgrade on my phone at a low or no cost? When I received the emails, texts and phone calls about my eligibility and took the time out of my life to visit a store to see what my options were, I found they were not the same options as, say, a new customer. While a new customer had the option to get the latest high-speed, 3G or 4G smart phones, as a repeat client, I had an array of outdated flip phones to choose from – at a nominal fee. No iPhone or Windows phone for me.

But I see where you were going with that: I didn’t have enough phones with two on my plan. I needed to upgrade to three phones because then I would be able to get an iPhone to replace a phone I had sent in twice to have fixed, only to have it keep breaking. Now I have an extra line on my bill that I am not using right now, but maybe I will someday. It’s good to know that if I need a stalker line, I have one because your your company foresaw the maybe on that possible future need. Foresight is a good quality in company projections.

Did you perhaps foresee the multitude of insane charges that I would appear on first bill after adding the new phone? Of course you did, because you knew it was time for another phone call to an international representative for a dose of cultural/language confusion as India tried to explain the bill detail to me as I pointed out what I thought were inaccuracies due to what I remembered my initial purchase to be and what was being added with the new phone line. You let me know that I was incorrect; however you would fix my plan to the way I had initially wanted but clearly failed to communicate to the sales clerk at the time of purchase.

Although my bill is still significantly higher than the estimate I was given at the time of sale and then again after three hours of negotiating with the international rep and final adjustment, I will continue to remain loyal to your company. Why? Because I’m still under an f***ing contract which pretty much says I can’t cancel out unless I pay more than what the phone and commitment is worth. Even though that cost amounts to what my last month’s bill came to, I’m not a quitter. But you can bet your sweet, greedy, corporate ass that the minute my contract is up, I’m opting for a simpler plan that fits my bank account better.  Until then, f*** you very much and don’t mention your appreciation for my loyalty and continuing patronage.

Sincerely,
D

Thanks, McD's: Fancy, flavored coffee ... with a twist.

McDonald’s has a new menu item: flavored, iced coffees. I’m not big on iced anything and fancy coffees from fast food restaurants are like gas stations offering spa services – it’s just not right. But, I really wanted coffee and there wasn’t a coffee palace/java joint/caffeine heaven on my side of the 190. In my experience, regular coffee from any fast food place has always tasted bitter or burned, but if this is cold and flavored, how can it go wrong?
… in the grossest way possible.

So, there I was at the McDonald’s drive- thru ordering a hazelnut, iced coffee and plain biscuit. After inspecting my bag to make sure they gave me a straw, I continued driving to the office. Once I was sitting at the desk, I took out my biscuit. McDonald’s, known for their campaign for health and nutrition, decided I needed a more substantial breakfast. There was a sausage patty on my ‘plain’ biscuit. No biggie, I just took it off.

I decided to try the iced coffee. As I stuck the straw in the cup, I saw the only thing that would make me puke on sight wedged in the cap and lip of the cup – a short, black hair. Gross. I was so disappointed – and thirsty. I noticed the hair didn’t actually touch the coffee and for half a second, I thought about just taking it out. Touching it was out of the question; besides, what if I drop the hair and it sinks to the bottom? How will I prove there was a hair at all? D*** it.

I called McDonald’s and they said bring it in, they would replace it. Not really sure I wanted to get another one, I took my coffee back to McDonald’s.

“We are so sorry about that.” Because when you include everyone else in an apology, it somehow let’s people know you were definitely not the one who made the mistake. I really didn’t care. The hair was in it, I was grossed out and I wanted them to see it.

“Are you sure it isn’t your own hair?”

Blink, blink. Really?

“Honey, I haven’t had hair that short anywhere on my body since before I started shaving my naughty bits.”

Sometimes I can’t believe the stuff that comes out of my mouth. My fancy, flavored, coffee was free.