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| Photo by @Fenix_Images (IG) |
So, there I was, a few Sundays ago, sitting in front of my computer, expressly typing out my thoughts and feelings concerning a new series I had just binge-watched on Smutflix. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings, apparently, because here I am - several weeks later - still writing.
Or, rather, re-writing.
It’s not the first time that I’ve wasted hours of my life on a series that glamorizes dysfunctional, emotionally manipulative, codependent relationships. It’s literally what all Kdrama serials seem to be about - and I “sarang” (사랑/love) the hell out of those.
Sex/Life was different, though. It left a pretty sour taste in my mouth. (Don’t be gross.)
It's about a married woman who decides she is not satisfied with her sex life with her husband and resorts to fantasizing and journaling about her past “relationsex” with a toxic ex-boyfriend - for whom she still has some unresolved feelings - mostly between her legs. Things get complicated when her husband reads the journal, and then escalate when her ex shows up.
The lead actress said the show was about: “Being a mom and still wanting to be the sexual goddess at the same time. You don’t have to lose one for the other.”
Yeah, I definitely did NOT get that vibe. Not at all. Because you don’t have to fantasize about another man to be a wife, mom & sexual goddess, either. You just have to love your husband and communicate your needs honestly. This show really took things to an extreme.
Really, I didn’t go into this with any expectations. I was actually drawing and put the show on for background noise. Next thing I know, I’ve abandoned my sketchpad and I’m sitting on the couch, yelling and swearing at the people inside the magic picture box like men who couch-coach during a televised sporting event.
The message I got was about a woman who was “never happy, never satisfied.”
It’s a quote my husband likes to throw at me when I ask him to move something and then ask him to move it again - “but this time can you move it a little more to the left?” Just kidding. Usually, it’s about how much of his attention I want - it’s never enough. But I digress.
Don’t get me wrong, there is truth in still wanting to feel desired as a woman, whether you are married with or without kids. I get that, I agree with it. But not to the point that you look outside your marriage or other committed relationship to find that feeling. It’s not fair to your person.
Why was I so invested in this colossal shit show?
And then it hits me: I was triggered because I’ve been that woman’s husband. I know what it feels like to find out you’re not enough and then try so hard to become enough.
It’s like when songs take you back to certain memories, this show took me back to my own experiences and what it felt like to be in the shoes of the husband in that show. And no one was addressing that more than they were concerned with who the wife was going to choose … Her successful, hot, family man husband or her equally as hot, ridiculously hung, toxic ex-boyfriend and a fantasy life of “the total package” she dreamed in her head.
(Well, except her best friend … but there is a reason for that … )
So, she drags her husband by her tampon strings, weighing her options. He flops around trying to do everything and anything to win back his wife, ultimately leading to what I would consider irreparable damage to the foundations of their marriage. Or, as he so perfectly puts it, a “stain” on their marriage.
Having been in relationships where I’ve been cheated on or strung along until someone decided what or who it is they wanted (spoiler alert: it wasn’t me) does a number on your self-esteem and confidence level. I’ve never strung anyone along because I always felt that if I was questioning my feelings for someone, I already knew the answer.
I’ve also never fantasized about any of my exes - even when I was single.
Okay, so, wishing a swift karmic payback does not count as fantasizing. And it’s brief.
Usually by the time a relationship got to the point of toxicity, I’d already exhausted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to be all the things I thought I needed to be to keep that person. Even though my feelings and pride are hurt, I’m literally just relieved to breathe and focus on getting my self-esteem back.
Also, what would I fantasize about? Sex? That’s only great when there is more than just physical intimacy. It doesn’t negate the issues in a relationship that caused it to end. It also doesn’t make me forget how I was treated and ultimately dumped, so if anyone asks, the sex was subpar, and the penis was micro.
Call me petty, because I am.
Let me tell you a story: I did take back an ex after he dumped me - once. Not because it was a great relationship or even that the sex was good. It was because I am dumb, and I made a stupid decision. But all the problems that were there before I got dumped, were still there when we got back together … and I was dumped again.
Actually, it may have been twice. Same guy. Like I said, I am dumb.
When I was working as a journalist, I attended a marriage and relationship workshop for an assignment. The first question asked was, “What is the number one cause for divorce?” Hands shot up and some of the answers were the usual: cheating and finances. Someone even shouted, “irreconcilable differences!” - which got a lot of laughs.
It turns out the number one cause of divorce is that couples stop taking care of their relationship with each other. It can lead to feeling unfulfilled, worthless, and open to fantasizing about someone old or anyone new. Which is the train wreck that the writers of Sex/Life were selling.
Never mind that the wife didn’t communicate this to her husband. Instead, she chose to write her (very detailed) fantasies about her ex-boyfriend out in her laptop journal every time she made a failed, half-hearted attempt to initiate sex with her husband. Then conveniently left it open on the kitchen counter where he would read it.
Very passive aggressive of her …
She let her husband think everything was fine. Until he found out that it wasn’t fine and that he had to compete with another man to keep his wife and family together.
A man who cruelly and unceremoniously dumped the wife years earlier, but now has second thoughts (probably after seeing her happy status updates on social media) and thinks he is entitled to come after what another man already earned - “because I knew her first.”
Oh, if I can count all the times I’ve heard girls tell me that about a guy I thought I was dating …
No, I don’t have unresolved feelings or issues from the past. As a Scorpio, when I am done, I am done. I’ve moved on.
However, I never forget. Obviously. Because I write about them in my very open, public blog. If there was any useful compensation that I could take from those ‘relationships,’ it is the blog material. Again, I digress.
Yes, Sex/Life is just a show. I get it. Lately, though, it’s been all shows that depict some manner of adultery and justification - literally degrading marriage and commitment in favor of the idea that it’s okay to give up on your promises and vows for selfish desires, and that men and women were not meant to be monogamous or that God will send you another woman’s man as your soulmate (or vice versa). Which is complete bullshit and a copout for anyone that needs to believe that to justify living outside a moral compass.
People say that relationships are hard, and they take work. I used to believe that, too. But now, I think that relationships or marriages that have been neglected and mistreated beyond repair are the ones that are hard and take work.
Life gets busy. Couples get distracted, create excuses not to be intimate, affectionate or go on dates. A new opportunity presents itself and they are convinced that maybe they married or committed to the wrong person, not realizing it was their own neglect that led to failure.
And, now, we have Hollywood glamorizing that - and horny housewives and bitter, heartbroken women are idolizing these ideas as either normal or something to aspire to in reality.
You know, I slammed Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey for featuring codependent, emotionally draining, dysfunctional relationship dynamics as romance. Maybe I didn’t give either enough credit. Because in both of those series, we have brooding men doting on their women and trying to figure out how to work through their issues together - monogamously.
Speaking of, I don’t believe in marriage counseling because inviting someone else into your life to solve your issues doesn’t make your marriage stronger, but rather handicaps your ability to grow and evolve together by learning how to communicate and work with each other instead of through another person. Not a popular opinion, I’m sure therapists would disagree, saying sometimes people need a mediator to help them ‘find their words and feelings.’ Personally, I think it is a weakness and does not create strength in each other, just a temporary band-aid until a new issue presents itself and then all the others come out of remission. Yet again, I digress.
If there is anything to take away from that show at all - if you are watching it or decide to watch it later - it’s that if your ex facetimes you while he is shagging your best friend … he has no respect for you and does not actually love you. And your best friend is a whore who doesn’t care about your friendship more than having sex with the one ex who broke you beyond pieces - it’s a huge betrayal. Also, no one is entitled to someone else’s girl/boyfriend, fiance, wife or husband because they were there first.
But most importantly, if your person asks for time to sort out their feelings concerning an ex in comparison to the love and life they shared with you for years, then they (& you) already know the answer.
It’s not you.
