(Editor's Note: this is now the EX-BOYFRIEND)
So, since the Boyfriend has been deployed, I have been putting together care packages to send him every month. I mostly fill them with fat boy treats, sports magazines, his fave shows and cleaning/hygiene products … plus a few other items of “sentimental” value. I also include specialty magazines and movies for pleasurable tension relief – better known as porn.
So, since the Boyfriend has been deployed, I have been putting together care packages to send him every month. I mostly fill them with fat boy treats, sports magazines, his fave shows and cleaning/hygiene products … plus a few other items of “sentimental” value. I also include specialty magazines and movies for pleasurable tension relief – better known as porn.
One day, the Boyfriend and I were talking and he requested a specific magazine: American Curves. He said it wasn’t a nude magazine, just chicks in lingerie and bikinis posing. Finding it was a bitch, but once I did, I could see why he liked it. I, however, immediately disliked it and would have rather picked up an issue of MILF or Teen 'V.' See, porn chicks are just on the side of skank that I don’t feel I have to compete. The girls in American Curves … were probably still skanks, just a more classy skank - and I just can't pull of 'skank,' just classy.
But, I sent it, and a few others, with a warning: if any of those pages made it to the walls in his “room,” next to our photos, he would be looking for a new girlfriend. (No, I wasn’t serious … kinda maybe a little). Needless to say, he was stoked.
Well, the new issue came out a week ago and I bought it. The feature teased in big, bold letters on the cover made me sad for the truth of how simple man-brains really are. It was the UNDERBOOB EXTRAVAGANZA issue – pages and pages of underboob shots. Girls posing in the park, in the gym, by the pool and other public locations in bikinis, tank tops, half tops, jersey tops, any tops – cropped to showcase the cleavage peeking out from under their tops. And … it was a big deal.And ... it made me laugh. Hard. Out loud. In the bookstore.
Really, guys? C’mon. I don’t want to ruin a fantasy, but my underboobs are not sexy after a workout - that's not baby oil dripping down my abs from my boobs. It's boob sweat. I imagine the equivalent for chicks would be ball cleavage. Coming out of shorts, peeking out of ranger panties and – if they hung low enough – the back shot while standing over the toilet. Ew. Okay, not exactly the same. But kinda funny and definitely NOT sexy at all.
You know, you have to wonder why guys want to see pages of that when they could just watch porn or look through a more graphic mag. It’s like guys trick themselves into thinking they’re seeing something they shouldn’t because it’s peeking out under a shirt? What kind of mind games are men playing with themselves? If you’re seeing it, it’s because someone wants you to. That’s why they took the photos and printed them in the magazine you are holding in your hands right now.
Can’t wait for the underbutt issue, because I know there will be one. I can imagine the excitement over several pages of butt/thigh cleavage. Can I even begin to tell dudes what goes on down there after a good workout or long, hot sweaty tanning session? But I bet I’ll buy that one for the Boyfriend, too.
I’m an awesome girlfriend.
