Deal Breakers: Making Dating Less Complicated

A few weeks ago, I blogged about breaking up with a guy I loved being with, but felt he loved being with me more. You can read about it and why I decided to end things here.

While there is nothing wrong with that dynamic, there were other factors that influenced my feelings and, ultimately, my decision. It was not an easy decision to make because he is such a great guy, but once I slowed things down, I realized it was the wrong time for either of us to be together.

That goes back to the few rules I made for myself after choosing the wrong guys all the time – or the right guys at all the wrong times.  Most chicks make a list of characteristics that make their dream guy. I made a list of deal breakers. Because it’s harder to see the red flags when you can check off the boxes for hot,employed and doesn’t live with his mom.

Maybe a lot of this has to do with PTS from past toxic relationships, but they are definitely hard lessons learned.

      1)    I will not get involved with someone who is overly into his phone or social network – like

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Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Nothing is more unattractive than a man who acts like a tweenager online, taking and sending an excessive amount of selfies, whose phone goes off all night, and he has to check his newsfeeds to see what’s new in the last few minutes since posting something online. I also dislike seeing a guy I’m dating add random girls he does not know past meeting them once at an event or through a friend to his Facebook or Instagram; then call them ‘friends’ because they ‘liked’ something about him on any of his pages and now they talk on occasion, but they really talk all the time.

What this is telling me is that he cares more about instant gratification than anything else. Cell phones and the Internet allow us immediate access to just about anything. The problem is that instant gratification is addicting. It becomes habitual and eventually creeps into our relationships. And if they are meeting new people and talking to them all the time, sharing the details of their life with someone – everyone - else, they are probably not going to have anything left to share with me.

How does that affect my love life? If I’m not available 24/7 – or when he wants me to be available – he knows that with the click of a button, he will find someone who can be available and equate that as a bigger ‘love.’

      2)    If I work with him, I will not date him. I admit this is kind of an outdated notion.  It almost makes perfect sense to meet someone at work. However, the one time I tried it, I had to end it abruptly and things were awkward on the job for a little while. Keeping my professional and personal life separated works in that I am not bringing that part of my life to work with me.

      3)    I will not date a guy who is newly single, newly separated or newly divorced. This should be a no-brainer. I’m twice divorced. There is no such thing as a legal separation, you are married until you are divorced. And in the newly split stage, no one is ready for a real relationship. Why get involved with someone who – if they had to be honest – is just looking for validation that they are still viable. We call that a rebound. Most of the time, they don’t know they are in this phase, but anyone on the outside can see it clearly:

a.      He moves super fast - being quick to use the ‘L’ word.

b.      You find you are spending most of your time in bed or at home instead of going on actual dates.

c.       You find yourself becoming the divorce or break-up coach.

d.      He wants to spend all of his time with you – to the point you have no time for yourself.

e.      They need to keep in constant contact with you – whether it’s through text, email or the social network.

f.       You feel he is trying so hard to fit you into a hole in his life and that if it wasn’t you, it could be any number of girls in your place - That you’re not special, just a filler. And that point will be driven home by how fast he is able to move on from you.

      4)   I will not date a guy who says he is separated.  He is still technically married and until he is divorced, he still belongs to another woman. In addition to potentially being a rebound, there is the chance he could still be married and the separation is only geographical, rather than pending a divorce – and only known to him and not his wife. There is also a chance he could go back to his wife or is only looking for a superficial relationship based on sex. I’ve had all of the above happen to me. 

      5)    I will not date someone who says his best friend is a girl – especially an ex-girlfriend. An ex-boyfriend from a few years back told me that guys may say they have girls as friends, but it’s more likely they are girls they’ve had sex with, want to have sex with or with whom they are still having sex. Before anyone goes on the defense – this is MY list, not yours. I also made this rule after I dated a guy who insisted his ex was just his best friend, and then cheated on me with her. Coincidentally, this was the same ex who gave me the advice I just stated.

      6)     I will not date a guy who doesn’t have a life outside of a relationship. This is kind of important – for me. I like a guy who has friends and hobbies outside of our relationship – things he can share with me or will keep him busy when we aren’t able to see each other. I’m not into the Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey relationships where both parties are sucking the life out of each other’s personal space. Being the sole reason for anyone’s being is both intimidating and exhausting. Clinginess and neediness change a relationship from a partnership into a chore.

      7)    I will not date a guy who doesn’t have the same morals and values as me.  I grew up with a core set of morals and values that some might see as old school. In this new millennium, certainly the world has changed and a lot of people have adapted to a more open and liberal lifestyle. This includes a lack of honesty in intention, respect for others as human beings and not being accountable and/or responsible for their actions. We have entered the Age of Entitlement and Self Gratification.

      8)    I will not date a guy who is more than 6 years younger than me or a guy who is not at the same point in his life that I am in mine. So, I’m 41, divorced and my only child is about to go to college. It’s about to be party time up in my house. Just kidding, I’m going to miss my kid. The point is younger men are never going to be in the same place in their lives that I am in mine. They are still deciding what they want, while I already know what I want. I know that one day, they will want something I can’t give them – like kids. On the other hand, there are men my age who don’t have kids and want them and that’s not wrong. However, I’m ready to start the next chapter in my life, not start over. It was so hard for me to actually admit this to myself, because it’s like admitting I am old. And truthfully, I don’t look a day over 41 …

 

I admit, this is not a foolproof list. I’ve strayed from #1, #3, #5 and #6; which turned into disappointing reminders of why I set those deal breakers. I don’t believe in meeting someone who will live up to all of my requirements for a perfect partner. I do believe that there is going to be a guy who will not be on my deal breaker list. I'll wait for him to get there. 

Nothing Gets More Real Than Wearing a Thong Backwards to the Gym - Twice

If I had to be completely honest about what I’m thinking when working out, I’d say that gains and hitting PRs are the furthest from my mind.  Most of the time I hate my life all the way up until I call time. That’s a true story.  And then there is this morning when all I could think about was the massive front wedgie created by wearing a thong backwards to the gym – again.

You might be wondering how that could possibly happen - twice. Or, better yet, why would anyone wear a thong to the gym? Well, I dislike visible pantylines as much as I dislike tan lines and going commando is a no-go because 1) it's gross and 2) deadlifting and doubleunders make me pee a little in my pants. 

Normally, putting on a thong is a no-brainer: the string part goes in the back. But this was a lace thong that

was moderately wide in the front and just slightly not as wide in the back.

And at 4:30 a.m. in the morning, in the dark, it was hard to differentiate front from back.

Don’t judge me.  

After the initial incident a few months ago, I invested in granny panties to be sure no part of my underthings would creep up my front or back end. But this morning, I had a lapse in judgment, wore a thong and despite finishing the WOD with ample time to cool down with the early bird crew, I left in more of a hurry than usual to take care of my painful situation.

Today I thought I was more prepared for damage control than the first time it happened; which, consequently, is the first time I learned there was such a thing as a front wedgie – and it is ultimately more painful than a butt wedgie. It also takes a great deal of effort to work through that kind of pain.

And I sweat way more when I am trying to cover up discomfort, pain and praying to a higher power to mask my smell if a coach comes within 6 feet of me to correct my form and technique. I am really good about seeing a coach coming and self-correcting before they enter the danger zone. But there was that one time I was hanging from a pull-up bar, and Coach came out of nowhere like a ninja and I played dead possum and crossed my legs, hoping he would go away before he could smell anything.

Then I thought, on a scale of 1-10, how weird would it be to spray myself down with Febreeze before a WOD? What if I just carried a can of it in my gym bag? That would alleviate at least one problem. But, I digress.

By that particular WOD’s end not too long ago, the thong material had wedged so far in, I was sweating from trying to hide the pain and discomfort (and worrying about the possible appearance of having a camel toe) than from the actual workout. To make the experience worse, I also hadn’t shaved in a few weeks (#singlelife), so as anyone could imagine (or not), the chafing of the material against skin and hair was like getting a #slowBrazilian. I was sweating profusely from my eyes as I made my way to the bathroom.

My lady business was raw and numb until I tried to ease the wedgie out and then I realized the real pain

would happen when trying to disengage the lacy fabric from every crevice from which it had embedded like a deep cover operative in Russia during the Cold War.

At first, I tugged gingerly; trying to loosen it up, but it was taking too long. I didn’t want to stay in the bathroom so long that anyone who knew I was the one in there would think I was ‘dropping bottom’ (girls don’t do that). So, in the end, and out of desperation, I ripped it like a band-aid – and immediately regretted that decision as I dropped to my knees on the floor, in pain, praying to God in Heaven, Jesus, Mary and Joseph … but quietly, so no one would hear me.

When I had finally released my thong from the inner-most folds of my lady parts, I swore I’d never wear another thong to the gym again.

Until this morning; I was running behind and could not find a pair of granny panties to save my life and somehow chose the same thong I wore those many months ago when I made the first mistake. 

And there were an a**load (no pun intended) of wall squats and thrusters and a 1000 meter run.

That lace thong became a resident of my lady business from the time I started the run and only continued to make a case for permanent residency as the WOD progressed through 50 thrusters, 30 awkward pull-ups (you can't shake a front wedgie out, btw) and so many wall squats in addition to pushups and situps. It was like being sawed in half. But I made it and afterwards, I didn’t even try to fix myself at the gym. Instead, I went home and hopped in the shower, hoping the water would loosen it up so it would disengage on it's own.

And that was another regrettable decision in my unfortunate situation; especially after the water rinsed the soap down my body and over my chafed bits and pieces. I might as well have doused my business in lighter fluid and lit a match.

Now, I’m at work, grateful for being able to stand up at my desk, so I don’t have to put any pressure on my nether regions by sitting. I have also made a conscious choice to wear granny panties #forlife. Turn your nose up in disgust if you must, but I’m here to tell you there is no better feeling than not having anything wedge up your no-no parts. One day I will have to engage in the naughty business should I find myself in a relationship - and nothing is more unsightly than a vagina mangled by a thong.

Even granny panties.

#truth