Beards: No Thank You

I’m not a fan of the beard.

While I can appreciate a man with a fantastical amount of facial hair from a photography standpoint, I am not particularly drawn to them sexually. They make a man look old and - when not groomed – homeless. And let’s face it; most men don’t understand that if you have more than 2 inches of growth on your facial hair, it needs to be brushed … or burned.

But all my girlfriends are insanely attracted to them – the bushier the better. There’s even a name for men with beards: the lumber sexual. Like every man who grows a beard can Paul Bunyan a forest while looking sexy. It would be more accurate to say most are just hipsters while others are cashing in on the trend to acquire a more masculine look. But this epidemic is nuts and – in my opinion – unwarranted.

Just the mere sight of a bearded man moistens the panties of women of all adult ages. I’m not talking about a well-groomed beard, either; but rather the out of control, overgrown 70s pubic hair-looking mess that seems to spread and grow with humidity or sweat ... like a fungus. I’ve watched women practically boomerang their uterus and ovaries at overly bearded guys like they were trying to catch a baby. The thirst is real.

I like clean-shaven guys – if you have a nice face, show it off. I want to see a strong jaw line and lips. Lips are important, I like to kiss them.

Not a hairy vagina.

Because when I see a guy with a messy beard that covers his entire face – like the hair on my legs when I’m single - I imagine trying to kiss him without the hair getting in the way and immediately compare that with trying to kiss an unshaven vagina. It’s too much work – especially since I'm not into chicks.

I feel that way about a man’s face. I want to kiss his mouth and not worry about his facial hair getting in mine. It also can’t be hygienic considering there’s a good chance food and drink can get in the hair around a man’s face and hold smells and pieces of past meals like a doggy-bag until you wash it – which, let’s face it, probably won’t happen after every meal. There's a very real, statistical chance that kissing that hot mess would be like being unintentionally force-fed leftovers you didn’t ask for; and God forbid he goes ‘below’ and let’s that sit for an entire day … wait, do you even like fish?

But let’s talk about how beards are basically a LIE – and I don’t like liars. They make a weak chin look

masculine, an otherwise plain fellow look dapper, give a lot of men a façade of ruggedness not earned. Some men look better with a beard than without – and why shouldn’t I be prepared in the event my rugged, bearded beauty shaves himself into a prepubescent teen?

My man shalt not looketh younger than me.

If I happen to date a guy with a beard, he damn well better still look like a man if he removes it.

On the other hand, I dig stubble. It’s just enough hair to accentuate a masculine jaw line without getting in the way. It doesn’t hide or change the features of a man’s face so drastically that by removing it, he looks like a different person. Sure, after a particularly heavy make-out sesh it can make me look like I just had a chemical peel, but it’s a fair trade considering the alternative: having my face mopped by a smelly beard filled with leftovers that smell like fish.

You don’t have to be bearded to look rugged. And by saying that, I can still creep on Gerard Butler without contradicting my blog. 

I’m not trying to make a case against the beard. However, I am defending my stance on why I am not

Seriously. Photo courtesy
dailymail.co.uk

particularly fond of men growing the equivalent of an unkempt, wild animal on their face. I know that what I have to say about beards won’t make women like them any less - or men stop growing them - and that’s okay; because that pretty much leaves all the hot, clean-shaven and stubble-bearing men to me. #moreforme

But, aside from the aesthetic reasoning, there is no real justification for growing a beard. Unless you're a barrel-chested freedom fighter or a government operative and you find yourself in a position to need a beard as a cover for your lips. You know, just in case the enemy happens to be adept at lip reading from a telescope over a thousand miles away. If they can't see your lips, they can't read them, right? But I digress.

Anyway, this argument for or against the beard may end up being irrelevant soon: according to science – yes, science - we’ve reached ‘Peak Beard.’ That’s essentially saying we’ve reached the End of Days of beards. 

That’s right, ladies, so grab a bucket and enjoy it while you can. Eventually, the only men who will be sporting a beard will be the kind that wear skinny jeans.

Now let's take a look at some men with and without beards for comparison

Now, here he is without a beard ... 

This is Jamie Dornan, serial killer from The Killing and also
the guy from 50 Shades the movie. What is that? It's like a
shag carpet on his face.

This is probably the best example of just enough beard.
And he probably looks better with it, although I
wouldn't turn him away for it, either. Photo courtesy
of Getty/Joe Mangianello/Google

Gerard Butler with just the
right amount of stubble.

This is the guy from Magic Mike and White Collar.
No beard.

And here he is with part of what I think is
supposed to be a beard.