That's Right, B*****es ... I'M ENGAGED

It’s been exactly 14 days, some hours and many minutes since my 46^th birthday. 

Nothing is different. Just wanted to let everyone know I made it two weeks into my new year and I’m still the same as I was that many days ago – physically and mentally.

Well ... one thing has changed and that's my relationship status.

No, I’m not back on the market. But I get it: I’m kind of a catch. What guy wouldn't want a chick who is basically a human lie-detector? A domesticated AF goddess who knows how to fake the chill when needed, have a good time but is also low-key CIA, FBI and NSA skilled enough to be able to find Waldo and Carmen San Diego without a single clue?

Apparently ... every guy I've ever dated up until I met my boyfriend. Who I can now call my fiancé.

That’s right, bitches – I’m ENGAGED. #1092dayfiancé

… finally … right?? 

And to say that I am excited would be an understatement.

I’m sure my fiancé thought it was cute in the beginning but I am quite sure that reminding him of my (our) new relationship status by randomly thrusting my engagement-ringed hand in his direct line of sight is going to get old – if it hasn’t already.

I. Don’t. Care.

And when we are married, I’m going to probably annoy TF out of him by changing my name in his phone to "Dawn 'The Wife' Harbin" and randomly talking in third person.

“Mrs. Harbin will be leaving for work now.”
“Mrs. Harbin is waiting for her good morning hug.”

“Mrs. Harbin wants to know why you are on the other couch instead of on the loveseat next to her.”

Which will undoubtedly lead to:

“Mr. Harbin thinks Mrs. Harbin is going to need to chill TF out now.”

Juuuuust kidding.

He would definitely say that, but I would not … um … over-reference myself in third person.

Look, I worked hard to get here. It took me THREE WHOLE F*ing YEARS to grow on him. Because while I can look great online and clean up nice, I’m not a hotty by nature, so I had to rely on my personality, domestic skillset and patience to put with his shit.

Just kidding. I had him at that RIGHT SWIPE … #RealLifeTinderella

Don't get me wrong, he's awesome and I know I'm equally lucky. In a time when it's become trendy to denegrate men, I'm not feminist that way. I am proud to have found one who accepts and puts up with my crazy shit, too. And you guys really have NO idea ... 

Speaking of (not really, but let’s go here), it’s a lot of extra work being engaged. Now that I have a ring, I can’t walk out of the house looking busted anymore. Some effort needs to be made with my appearance so that I look like I match the ring. Not only do I need to do basic hair and make-up, but my wardrobe has transitioned to be more in line with Instagram influencer than Walmart shopper now.

BTW, when I say ‘Instagram influencer,’ it just means I’m not wearing sweats or yoga pants. 

I digress. #feyoncé

And like every newly engaged girl, I wanted to roll out my announcement with super awesome, bougie, engagement pix on my social media feeds so all my friends can join in my excitement that someone finally “put a ring on it.” After 13 years of me blogging about douchebags and my own stupidity and bad decisions, I can now start a new chapter sharing my newfound relationship expertise and the 12-steps to finding and keeping your soulmate ...

Not really. My blog is based on a steady flow of pettiness and sarcasm and the only reason for my engagement photos to be on social media is so that my past can see my future and hate on it even more.

Because I’m petty. #pettyassbitch

Anyway, I really wanted photos to happen sooner, but as it turns out, it wasn’t easy to just book a photographer. Especially last minute – which is how I’m rolling these days with my schedule.

Side note: I don’t think I really appreciated me as a photographer until I started looking for a photographer.

Scrolling through portfolios and comparing investment information made me realize something profound about my time and talent that was completely unexpected: I photograph people the way I want to be photographed and I give people what I want to be given at a price that I would be able to afford.

So, I’ve basically been looking for MYSELF and wasted so much time doing it, that I missed my opportunity to book within our availability since my fiancé will be leaving in a week. And I am not sure how much longer I can maintain myself to be able to look good in the dress I will be wearing. There’s, like, such a small window of allowance in weight fluctuation with my dress in the size and style I chose that was deliverable via Amazon Prime because I have no patience or chill or self-control when it comes to food.

It’s a struggle. For real.

I know yawl can relate and I appreciate that so much. Maybe you guys can also relate to your man not understanding why we don’t take selfies for engagement announcements. 

Really. #thathappened

My fiancé said AND I QUOTE to set the self-timer on the camera and take them myself - LIKE WHO IS THIS MAN AND DOES HE EVEN KNOW ME?!

Turns out, he does know me because it’s not like I haven’t done that in the past - for holiday photos. But this is different - I wanted the engagement experience without the pressure of trying to take my own photos. The same happy ever after looking experience I have had the privilege to give other engaged couples. 

Besides, Pinterest told me that none of the shots I want can be self-timed.

Don’t get me wrong, I was not and am not looking for ‘cheap' – I believe that you get what you pay for and I don’t believe in settling for less even if I have to pay more. But at this point I was looking for "available within my now limited schedule" and with it being the holiday portrait season and the weather being a dick for no reason randomly, I missed out by taking so long.

So, I turned to my daughter and my little brother.

I can’t put into words how much it meant to me that when I asked, they didn’t hesitate to say yes. I don’t even care what these pictures look like, just that they’re the ones taking them will be awesome … even though I sent them both screenshots from my Pinterest board …

All. Of. Them. 

And with my brother being a better photographer than me and the simple fact that I trained my daughter over the years … there’s a lot of pressure to make these look magical.

Just kidding.

Honestly, this couldn’t be more perfect. I get to share an important day in my life with my family documenting it. My daughter who has only ever wanted me to be happy along with wanting every new Pokémon game ever for the past almost 22 years; and my baby brother who used to let me take him out every Sunday to a movie, McDonald’s and then to pick out comic books. 

And my parents won’t be left out – I have an idea to include them. And my dog.

At this point, we can describe me as possibly gearing up to be on a ‘hide her from my timeline already’ level of ‘extra.’

My fiancé is NOT ready for this.

And. I. Don’t. Care. 

Because I’m ENGAGED. 

Bitches. #engaged

S**t ... I'm probably not even ready for this ... 

(PS: Don't ask about the marriage date, we didn't get that far yet. Baby steps, it's number 3 for both of us.)

Watch Out 46! I’m Coming In Hot … One Flash at a Time …

Photo collage by Serdar Gulmez/Photographer/Greensboro, NC
Wonder Woman armor crafted by www.jasonevansfx.com

Just to clarify: by flash, I mean hot flash, not camera flash.

And while I'm on the subject of menopause, ladies ... it's not as bad as I'd been led to believe it would be. Yet, at the same time, it's no joke, either.

I've been in menopause since my early 40s. The first thing to go was my menstrual cycle and truly that was a celebration of freedom. Nothing else seemed to happen after that, so I fell into a false sense of security - until this year.

That's when my body decided it would just go ahead and release all the menopausal symptoms at one time.

And why the hell not?

Going into the last half of my 40s, it would only seem fitting to battle it all out at once. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia ... challenge accepted.

Just kidding. I opted for hormone therapy like a little bitch until it brought back my periods and so I quit HRT and am now coasting into 46 au naturale.

Did I mention I'm coming up on my 46th birthday?

Speaking of my birthday, this year’s Scorpio season saw me downgrade my birthday month to just a birthday weekend. It’s a lot of work to pretend to be excited about two things that aren’t really that exciting – my birthday and star sign – just for the sake of social media appearances. Realistically, I can probably keep it up for about a week on social media and by the time my birthday actually gets here, I’m over it.

My star sign is not a crown and my birthday is just another day.

Photo by my daughter. She said I look
bored, but this is my happy face. 

But each year, I write a celebratory birthday blog. Sometimes it’s early, sometimes late and sometimes – like this one - it skids into my birthday at the last minute like some of my daughter’s college papers. I mean, what’s the rush? I have until midnight after which I’m going to be 46 for a whole year. It was a little harder to write this year because I didn't do much other than work. But here I am …  with no direction and a lot of self-reflection.

You have been warned.

46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46

When I see or say the number, I feel like I should be in a panic because I’m that much closer to the big 5-0. I never believed that age is just a number. I've always said it’s more than that. It’s how long I’ve been on this earth, how much life I have experienced, and the knowledge and wisdom I may (or may not) have gained in that time.

So, I’m 46. It’s not “the new” anything. It’s just 46 - and that's okay. I don’t feel my age, but then, what does it actually mean to “feel” an age?

I’ve never "felt" my age. That’s a true story.

I’ve never “acted” my age either. Another true story - you can ask my parents.

Every year after 35, as I inched closer to 40, I would experience mild anxiety and panic at nearing an age I considered ‘old.’ Listening to everyone who made it there before I did, I expected my body to fall apart, my face to show excessive signs of wear and – being single at the time – turning into a spinster because no man would want to be with a woman past her prime and child-bearing years. 

Even men my own age, which was a hard pill to swallow when that started back in my mid-30s.

No, ladies, being a puma or a cougar is not something to celebrate or aspire to regardless of what porn, mainstream media and feminist social activists would like to push into relevant acceptability. 

The only guys interested in older women are older men looking for a placeholder and young men looking to punch their (sexual) experience card. I’ve had my fair share of dating younger men because men my age want women my daughter’s age (20s). I can tell you that it’s a lonely and depressing place to be when you realize there is nothing those boys can give you but a good time. And there is nothing you can give them but experience. 

Great for a good time, not for a long time.

And remember, posting self-affirmation memes and quotes online doesn't help the cause - it's just an attempt to prove viability by seeking validation from everyone else through likes and shares online.

My pride never let me do that. I'm not begging anyone to see me.

But, I digress.

So, while I have a few more wrinkles, one less tooth and dealt with a 5 years long intestinal infection from my career in crash fad diets and eating disorders that stemmed from a poor relationship with my body, I don’t feel old. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty damn good for being 46 years into my life. Which makes me wonder:

Why do we talk about the downsides of getting older like they are negative side-effects of prescription medication?

“Once you hit 46, you may experience menopause, intermittent constipation that may last weeks, popping joints, failing eye sight, gray hair, saggy body parts, unexpected weight gain, memory failure, sudden onset diet restrictions and allergies … if any of this lasts more than 4 years, you may wish to check into an assisted living facility now.”

But what about the benefits?

What no one tells you is that the older you get, the more you start to accept yourself – and I’m not just talking about the muffintop or thunder thighs. After wasting years of my life trying to be someone else’s idea of who I should be, I'm not afraid to be who I am, say what I mean and do what I want. It’s not a movement – because there is no social media hashtag that can inspire me to take stock of myself and learn to be okay with who I am without a filter. 

Being present, engaged and connecting with myself offline – accepting, facing and somewhat defeating my past  – not only changed the way I see myself, but also who and what I was attracting into my life. We’re all magnets and are constantly pulling the same energy we put out towards us.

Not a Zen moment, just a real moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have insecurities that stem from a less than positive body image and – as much as I try not to – past relationship experiences. I’d love to say that I never use those things to pick fights with my boyfriend but I’d be lying. I’m still a girl.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I am now way more secure in myself and my insecurities. I know my crazy and I'm honest about it. No apologies. 

And yes, I am still with the same boyfriend. It’s been almost four years and I’m sure he’s just as happy as I have been since the day we met, if not more. I never blog about him or our relationship, but it is so imperfectly perfect that I might start – he’s already been notified. 

Again,I digress.

So, before I sat down to write, I went back and read a few of my past blogs. Reading through my inner and outer journey - from chasing meaning in meaningless things and relationships to finding the real meaning in my so far, well-lived life - was kind of an emotional experience. 

It felt like I was reading the script treatment to a KDrama.

“It’s the story of a girl, raising a girl, being the girl that everyone wanted her to be for them until she finds the boy that just wants her to be the best girl she can be while raising her girl together in life with him.”

And of course, as in all KDramas, it’s filled with emotional roller coasters, highs, lows, calms and a happy ending (no pun or offense intended) after 50 episodes.

Unlike Chinese dramas that take you through 75 - 100 episodes and end on cliffhangers because they’re f*cking communists and don’t want anyone to be happy and have closure.

(Just kidding China, if you’re reading this.)

On further thought, it’s probably more accurate to say that my life up until now has been a series of cliffhangers – always ‘to be continued’ based on the consequential outcome of my own poor decisions. Admittedly, I know how things will turn out since I tend to make many of the same mistakes more than a few hundred times. But since I don’t make them consecutively, there’s always that brief moment of initial surprise before recognition sets in. 

Hey, at least I can admit my life is my fault. I feel like that’s being somewhat mature.

But even through all of that, I don't have many regrets.

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The ones I do have are because I chose to prioritize over my family. I missed time with my guy, my daughter, brothers and parents in favor of filling up my free time with more work. It sucked to miss my daughter’s prom and my niece’s graduation. I worked on my daughter's and parents' birthdays. Every second of free time I had, I gave away to everyone except my family and friends.

It wasn’t until recently that I made the abrupt decision to re-focus my life around my family. No, it wasn't some kind of spiritual awakening. I just had the epiphany that I didn't really like working 7-days a week and missing out on life.

So, I did something about it.

Because time is something I will never get back, the worst feeling to carry around is regret over wasting it on things that don't matter. I'm not getting any younger, so there really is no time to waste anymore.

Forty-six is going to be full of changes that will bring big things – according to my divination chart. As a Scorpio, I've entered the third and final transformation - the Phoenix. I mean, if I believed in all of that.

Still flying by the seat of my pants with no real plan. But I’m looking forward to seeing what I’ll be doing this year.