I’m not too old to dress myself, thank you

Doesn't matter the season, everyone is going to judge.
You do you, sweetheart. 

 Every once in a while, I run across an article online about what 'older' women should and should not wear. And as I read it, I’m thinking:either the person who wrote this can’t pull off these styles anymore and doesn’t want anyone else to wear them or it’s some young 20-something whose opinion about fashion sense for the “ages” is based on People of Walmart memes.

Because I wear leggings as pants and I’m not going to stop due to the opinion of a columnist backed by a celebrity stylist author.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating adults dress like they’re still teens. But I don’t lose the right to dress to express myself just because I’m out of my 20s. Granted, there are things I don’t wear, but that’s mostly because I never did in the first place or … well, common sense prevailed.

However, almost every item on this list … is in my closet. In multiples.

Message t-shirts:

You know it's clever. 

So, I workout. If you’re familiar with anyone who works out, we all wear message t-shirts. Sometimes, I wear those shirts outside of the gym with my favorite pair of destroyed jeans. Because it’s my prerogative to let everyone know that I’m a “Dorothy in the streets and Blanche in the sheets.” It’s not desperate, it’s funny and expresses my sense of humor. It’s not an indication of how mature or immature I am.

I’m supposed to wear plain, regular t-shirts only now? Plain t-shirts never started a conversation.

Too-trendy denim:

What’s too trendy? You mean jeans that fit and look fab?!

No … After the age of 35, I should have retired any jeans that have Mickey Mouse embroidered on them. That was their example.

Seriously?! Is this a thing?! Where can I see this? That’s not “trendy” denim. That’s called 0-4T in the kid’s department at Sears.

But, that said, if this is your thing … you do you. I rock me some destroyed denim on occasion in the summer time. It’s like having air conditioned jeans … since I’m not a fan of shorts.

Costume shoes:

When I think of ‘costume’ shoes, I automatically envision Wonder Woman’s red and white boots. Which, if I could have and wear those, I totally would – although only to the gym. They would go super with my blue and white star leggings.

As a vertically challenged person of 5’1”, I like to wear anything with heels. They range from 2” to 4” and I wear them with everything. I’m not getting rid of them. These are not ‘costume’ shoes, they are LIFE.

I get to choose how tall I want to be on the daily and that’s pretty awesome.

Micro-mini skirts:

Apparently, unless I am a celebrity performance artist like Tina Turner, I shouldn’t wear micro mini skirts.

Trust me, the reason I don’t wear them is because no one needs to see my business. But, I’ve been known to pair a regular mini with leggings and boots for a super-cute outfit. And I’m short, so I can pull that shit off - because from far away I still look like a tiny teenager.

Boom.

But no one needs to be a private dancer to work a mini into an outfit at any age.

Besides, they suggested I sub pencil skirts. Don’t they know those don’t go with my message tees?!

Anything showing excessive cleavage

Well, I don’t have that problem. However, I’ve been known to take advantage of the increase in my boob size from bloating. You have no idea how much cleavage you can get from using two bras and cutlet inserts.

But I would never wear a tweed vest and blouse to show it off, as is suggested in a book I’m sure is titled, “What to Wear If You Want to Stay Single - Forever.”

I usually just wear a white, ribbed cotton tank top.

White, ribbed cotton tank top:

It's kind of a good look, no? 

Wait … What?!

Seriously, that with a pair of jeans and heels equals my go-to. It’s a guarantee that no one else will be wearing the same outfit when I’m out.

Sometimes I even wear costume jewelry and a jean jacket to dress it up even more. It’s the best thing to come out of the 80s.

Costume jewelry:

Okay, stop. Some of that stuff is pretty cute and it’s not like I’m wearing jelly bracelets. Those are so 1980s and they went out with Madonna’s first album.

GALAXIES. 

But get rid of my glitter nail polish? No way! They make my toenails look like small galaxies on my feet.

I’ll admit to not really wearing much of any jewelry at all most days, but I like to keep my options open. We’re not in the ninth grade anymore, there’s no worry that any of us will look like Claire’s threw up on us … right?

Scrunchies:

Yeah … I don’t. But I found a few in a box in my closet recently.

Hobo handbag:

I mean, it's not like anyone
is carrying one of these,
right? 

I don’t care how old you are … do you really need a purse that big? What are you carrying in there? I prefer a smaller bag or clutch. But I suppose if you’re going to the beach and need a bigger bag for things like sunscreen, lunch, drinks, towels and chairs … you would need a hobo bag. 

As a single mom, though, I can honestly say that even I appreciated the flexibility hobo bags gave me when my daughter was little. I could have a stylish bag big enough to carry juice boxes, snacks, an extra pair of clothes, wipes, wallet, lipstick, powder and body spray, but still look chic. 

Now she’s 18 and wants me to fit everything she wants to take with her in my clutch. But, I digress.

Unflattering underwear:

Apparently, once I passed age 30, I should have been wearing supportive underwear. There’s a reason I CrossFit – so my butt can support itself.

What they should have said is – don’t wear underwear that doesn’t fit. Too tight and you create unnecessary bulges which can be unflattering under close fitting clothing. 

Because ladies, I don’t know about you, but I have a stash of ‘special,’ unflattering panties for that time of the month. No one feels right wearing sexy panties when they are bleeding out for a week. Plus, they are no doubt expensive and who wants to run the risk of ruining a $25 pair of panties from VS?

 

But seriously worth it. 

But, since we are here, I recommend anyone who doesn’t have at least one pair of spanx in their closet to go remedy that – stat. They make the difference between having a smooth bodyline or seeing your cheap, ill-fitted underwear create a topographic map out of your muffintop through your clothes.

  

All that said, why do I need to dress like someone else’s idea of an adult? If everyone else wants to live by a dress code standard set by people you don’t even know, go right ahead. But I’m keeping my message tees, destroyed jeans and high heels. We’re all adults and able to make our own decisions on what to wear.

It's part of the privilege of being a grown up. 

My advice to anyone who likes to dress for themselves is to exercise discretion and caution. Just because you can wear something, doesn’t’ mean you should. With great power comes great responsibility.

Remember, the whole world is watching thru the Internet and you don’t want to end up as a social media meme or on People of Walmart dot com. People are mean and now they have a forum to express that at your expense.