Sex/Life: Not Real Life

Photo by @Fenix_Images (IG)

So, there I was, a few Sundays ago, sitting in front of my computer, expressly typing out my thoughts and feelings concerning a new series I had just binge-watched on Smutflix. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings, apparently, because here I am - several weeks later - still writing. 

Or, rather, re-writing. 

It’s not the first time that I’ve wasted hours of my life on a series that glamorizes dysfunctional, emotionally manipulative, codependent relationships. It’s literally what all Kdrama serials seem to be about - and I “sarang” (사랑/love) the hell out of those. 

Sex/Life was different, though. It left a pretty sour taste in my mouth. (Don’t be gross.)

It's about a married woman who decides she is not satisfied with her sex life with her husband and resorts to fantasizing and journaling about her past “relationsex” with a toxic ex-boyfriend - for whom she still has some unresolved feelings - mostly between her legs. Things get complicated when her husband reads the journal, and then escalate when her ex shows up.

The lead actress said the show was about: “Being a mom and still wanting to be the sexual goddess at the same time. You don’t have to lose one for the other.” 

Yeah, I definitely did NOT get that vibe. Not at all. Because you don’t have to fantasize about another man to be a wife, mom & sexual goddess, either. You just have to love your husband and communicate your needs honestly. This show really took things to an extreme.  

Really, I didn’t go into this with any expectations. I was actually drawing and put the show on for background noise. Next thing I know, I’ve abandoned my sketchpad and I’m sitting on the couch, yelling and swearing at the people inside the magic picture box like men who couch-coach during a televised sporting event. 

The message I got was about a woman who was “never happy, never satisfied.” 

It’s a quote my husband likes to throw at me when I ask him to move something and then ask him to move it again - “but this time can you move it a little more to the left?” Just kidding. Usually, it’s about how much of his attention I want - it’s never enough. But I digress. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is truth in still wanting to feel desired as a woman, whether you are married with or without kids. I get that, I agree with it. But not to the point that you look outside your marriage or other committed relationship to find that feeling. It’s not fair to your person. 

Why was I so invested in this colossal shit show?

And then it hits me: I was triggered because I’ve been that woman’s husband. I know what it feels like to find out you’re not enough and then try so hard to become enough.

 

It’s like when songs take you back to certain memories, this show took me back to my own experiences and what it felt like to be in the shoes of the husband in that show. And no one was addressing that more than they were concerned with who the wife was going to choose … Her successful, hot, family man husband or her equally as hot, ridiculously hung, toxic ex-boyfriend and a fantasy life of “the total package” she dreamed in her head. 

(Well, except her best friend … but there is a reason for that … )

So, she drags her husband by her tampon strings, weighing her options. He flops around trying to do everything and anything to win back his wife, ultimately leading to what I would consider irreparable damage to the foundations of their marriage. Or, as he so perfectly puts it,  a “stain” on their marriage. 

Having been in relationships where I’ve been cheated on or strung along until someone decided what or who it is they wanted (spoiler alert: it wasn’t me) does a number on your self-esteem and confidence level. I’ve never strung anyone along because I always felt that if I was questioning my feelings for someone, I already knew the answer. 

I’ve also never fantasized about any of my exes - even when I was single. 

Okay, so, wishing a swift karmic payback does not count as fantasizing. And it’s brief.

 

Usually by the time a relationship got to the point of toxicity, I’d already exhausted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to be all the things I thought I needed to be to keep that person. Even though my feelings and pride are hurt, I’m literally just relieved to breathe and focus on getting my self-esteem back. 

Also, what would I fantasize about? Sex? That’s only great when there is more than just physical intimacy. It doesn’t negate the issues in a relationship that caused it to end. It also doesn’t make me forget how I was treated and ultimately dumped, so if anyone asks, the sex was subpar, and the penis was micro. 

 

Call me petty, because I am. 

Let me tell you a story: I did take back an ex after he dumped me - once. Not because it was a great relationship or even that the sex was good. It was because I am dumb, and I made a stupid decision. But all the problems that were there before I got dumped, were still there when we got back together … and I was dumped again. 

Actually, it may have been twice. Same guy. Like I said, I am dumb. 

When I was working as a journalist, I attended a marriage and relationship workshop for an assignment. The first question asked was, “What is the number one cause for divorce?” Hands shot up and some of the answers were the usual: cheating and finances. Someone even shouted, “irreconcilable differences!” - which got a lot of laughs. 

It turns out the number one cause of divorce is that couples stop taking care of their relationship with each other. It can lead to feeling unfulfilled, worthless, and open to fantasizing about someone old or anyone new. Which is the train wreck that the writers of Sex/Life were selling.

Never mind that the wife didn’t communicate this to her husband. Instead, she chose to write her (very detailed) fantasies about her ex-boyfriend out in her laptop journal every time she made a failed, half-hearted attempt to initiate sex with her husband. Then conveniently left it open on the kitchen counter where he would read it.

Very passive aggressive of her … 

She let her husband think everything was fine. Until he found out that it wasn’t fine and that he had to compete with another man to keep his wife and family together. 

A man who cruelly and unceremoniously dumped the wife years earlier, but now has second thoughts (probably after seeing her happy status updates on social media) and thinks he is entitled to come after what another man already earned - “because I knew her first.”

Oh, if I can count all the times I’ve heard girls tell me that about a guy I thought I was dating … 

No, I don’t have unresolved feelings or issues from the past. As a Scorpio, when I am done, I am done. I’ve moved on. 

However, I never forget. Obviously. Because I write about them in my very open, public blog. If there was any useful compensation that I could take from those ‘relationships,’ it is the blog material. Again, I digress. 

Yes, Sex/Life is just a show. I get it. Lately, though, it’s been all shows that depict some manner of adultery and justification - literally degrading marriage and commitment in favor of the idea that it’s okay to give up on your promises and vows for selfish desires, and that men and women were not meant to be monogamous or that God will send you another woman’s man as your soulmate (or vice versa). Which is complete bullshit and a copout for anyone that needs to believe that to justify living outside a moral compass.  

People say that relationships are hard, and they take work. I used to believe that, too. But now, I think that relationships or marriages that have been neglected and mistreated beyond repair are the ones that are hard and take work. 

Life gets busy. Couples get distracted, create excuses not to be intimate, affectionate or go on dates. A new opportunity presents itself and they are convinced that maybe they married or committed to the wrong person, not realizing it was their own neglect that led to failure.

And, now, we have Hollywood glamorizing that - and horny housewives and bitter, heartbroken women are idolizing these ideas as either normal or something to aspire to in reality. 

You know, I slammed Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey for featuring codependent, emotionally draining, dysfunctional relationship dynamics as romance. Maybe I didn’t give either enough credit. Because in both of those series, we have brooding men doting on their women and trying to figure out how to work through their issues together - monogamously. 

Speaking of, I don’t believe in marriage counseling because inviting someone else into your life to solve your issues doesn’t make your marriage stronger, but rather handicaps your ability to grow and evolve together by learning how to communicate and work with each other instead of through another person. Not a popular opinion, I’m sure therapists would disagree, saying sometimes people need a mediator to help them ‘find their words and feelings.’ Personally, I think it is a weakness and does not create strength in each other, just a temporary band-aid until a new issue presents itself and then all the others come out of remission. Yet again, I digress. 

If there is anything to take away from that show at all - if you are watching it or decide to watch it later - it’s that if your ex facetimes you while he is shagging your best friend … he has no respect for you and does not actually love you. And your best friend is a whore who doesn’t care about your friendship more than having sex with the one ex who broke you beyond pieces - it’s a huge betrayal. Also, no one is entitled to someone else’s girl/boyfriend, fiance, wife or husband because they were there first. 

But most importantly, if your person asks for time to sort out their feelings concerning an ex in comparison to the love and life they shared with you for years, then they (& you) already know the answer. 

It’s not you. 

Confessions of a Middle-Aged Diet Queen: A 72-Hour Fast

Guys. 

I just broke a three-day fast and let me tell you - it hurt a few feelings. Most of them were in my stomach, but I might be a little traumatized. 

This didn’t come out of nowhere - I’d been reading about the benefits of intermittent and prolonged fasting as well as ‘time restricted eating’ and decided to adopt that as a lifestyle. You know, to save money on groceries since inflation hit all the grocery stores. 

Kidding. 

It’s for health reasons. 

At the risk of over-sharing (and a possible HIPAA violation?), I will briefly explain: I’d been

Candida overgrowth is a SYMPTOM.

dealing with severe inflammation, sudden weight gain and inability to lose it, chronic fatigue, headaches - literally a buffet of symptoms since my early forties. Off and on. Doctor after doctor treated my symptoms and they would get better, but always come back. Several months ago, I had a ‘flare up,’ saw three doctors, and since all labs came up normal, they assumed I was not making the effort I said I was making. 

Listen, I am the queen of dieting. I know how to lose weight. 

This wasn’t about the weight as much as it was a real concern for my own health - all the
weight was centered around my belly and back - I literally looked like a walking lollypop. Belly fat is dangerous - according to medical science, and I had gained a lot of it. It wasn’t until the leg pains, numbness, film over my eyes and heart palpitations that I panicked and forced my current medical team (no, I don’t have a team, just two doctors) to examine the cause. But, again, labs were “within range” so I was dismissed. 

I even went to a Functional Medical Clinic and was told I probably had mold toxicity - just by looking at me! Still waiting on the verdict of that blood test and MRI - this was the first medical professional to NOT brush off my concerns, try to treat symptoms and actually wanted to find the root cause. 

Then, one late night on YouTube (it truly is a lottery of equal parts bullshit and actual, helpful stuff), I met Dr. Eric Berg. And after watching a few of his videos, I wondered if I had been misdiagnosed all those years. 

It was the first time I’d heard of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, mycotoxins and how your entire digestive system works to make sure your body gets the nutrients it needs, produces hormones, and your gut is working right.  I spent hours watching his videos - and then I met Dr. Ken Berry and Dr. Jason Fung. 

These are not endorsements. More like references. 

All of these doctors are proponents of the health benefits of intermittent fasting, prolonged fasting, time restricted eating … AND the Carnivore and KETO ‘diets.’  

I don’t believe in diets, but I’ve done fasting since I was in high school. But back then we just called it anorexia. 

JUST KIDDING. Anorexia is a mental disorder. I know this because it (and it’s fraternal twin, Bulimia) was my preferred method to lose weight up until my mid 30s. Some people deal with issues/trauma using humor and I’m some people. Get over it. Honestly, if I had known about intermittent fasting all those years ago, I might never have had an eating disorder. I digress. 

When the KETO diet first came to my attention, I didn’t think it was sustainable. How will people get their nutrients? Doesn’t eating a high fat diet cause high cholesterol and heart issues? Doesn’t your body need carbs and SOME sugar for energy? The short answer is no to all of that, but if you are interested in the science behind it, check out the three doctors I mentioned above.  

The few takeaways from studying the research: eating fat does not make you fat. Sugar is broken down into glucose and fructose. The glucose gets dispersed to where it needs to go … and the fructose is just made into fat. So there is no moderation and balance as you get older, especially if you’ve had a bad diet your whole life. And as far as calories in and calories out … for me, it ended up slowing down my metabolism, because my body went into storage mode. 

So, I didn’t start KETO, but instead started eating for fatty liver disease. No sugars, super low carbs, and a few supplements to help with digestion. I did implement time restricted eating - basically, I just made sure I wasn’t snacking during the day, and I was only eating within a certain window of time. In the first week, I lost 2 pounds. It’s not a lot, but after months of not being able to lose ANY weight at all, it felt like I had won a battle. Even more surprising: the inflammation in my body was completely gone. 

After that week, I wondered what intermittent fasting would do, so I started a 16:8 schedule the following week. The pain in my legs started to subside and the heart palpitations were gone. So, I upped the fasting period to 20:4 and my brain fog lifted, eyes cleared up, had more energy and felt like a person again. I also lost more weight. 

Then, as I was reading Dr. Fung’s book ‘The Complete Guide to Fasting,’ I came upon the myriad health benefits to PROLONGED fasting - which is anything from 48 hours and longer - and the unpopular medical science that backs it all up. Science also seems to back up the Ketogenic lifestyle, btw. It’s crazy how much I’ve relied on the food pyramid, calories in/calories out, balance and “everything in moderation” paradigm to find out that it’s pretty much the lie to keep me buying the foods that weren’t helping to heal my body and are designed to keep me sick and depressed. But I digress. 

So, there I was, last Thursday, in my kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for my meal when it occurred to me that I was not hungry. “Should I start a 3-day fast?” I thought to myself … “I should.” I totally ignored my inner reason telling me that perhaps I was not ready and that I needed to store more vitamins and minerals by packing nutrition stores in my body. However, after speaking with my physician and being armed with a multivitamin, electrolyte powder, water and green tea, I committed myself to my first prolonged fast since my mid 30s. Should be a piece of cake. 

DAY 1A: Since my last meal was Wednesday, Thursday should have been day one, but I didn’t remember that until the fast was over. Honestly, it wasn’t terrible. Probably because I didn’t CrossFit that day, choosing to do a low impact HIIT workout and two one mile ‘brisque’ walks. I made a low carb, no sugar cheesecake, froze it for later. I slept great. 

DAY 1B: It’s Friday. Woke up, took a multi-vitamin, drank a glass of water, went to CrossFit. I had a little more energy during my workout and overall, my mood was almost euphoric. I got a lot of work done, cleaned, looked up KETO recipes to see which ones didn’t require obscure and expensive ingredients. Prepped a bunch of food to freeze for easy meals the following week. Started reading a new book. My stomach was asking for food, but I just drank more water and tea. All the Drs said this would help the hunger subside, but either I’m different or they are lying. I went to bed hungry, did not sleep really well. 

DAY 2: Saturday. I woke up because my stomach made a noise it had never made before. It sounded like Audrey Junior from ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ (film). The hunger ‘pains’ started immediately as the rest of my body woke up. I was dizzy and a little nauseated. At this point, I probably should have stopped, but I’m not a quitter. I texted my physician, he suggested bone broth or coffee with full fat butter (and if that didn’t work, I would need to go ahead and eat). Dr. Fung - in his book - also suggested the same. So, I bought beef & chicken bones to make broth and coffee (I don’t usually drink coffee anymore). I went through my kitchen and tossed all the food in my house that had ANY sugar or sugar alcohols. Watched YT videos of other fasters. Tried to keep busy, but ended up in bed, curled up in the fetal position waiting for God to take me, because the food withdrawal was real. Don’t remember when I fell asleep. 

Day 3: Sunday. I actually slept well and woke up refreshed. My hunger pains were gone. Until I remembered that this was the day I could break my fast, and then Audrey Junior woke up to try and coerce me into eating sooner than my normal time. I eat later in the afternoon, so I decided to cook a fresh but small meal. Homemade pasta sauce with no sugar added (they add sugar to the bottled sauces, plus preservatives to extend shelf life), vegetable noodles, and garlic ‘bread’ - no flour, no sugar. I paced the house, cleaned things that weren’t dirty, did my laundry for the second time in three days, sat down, stood up, tried to watch a movie … and then it was time to eat. I was so excited as I plated my food (foodie terminology). It smelled so good. And then I remembered the ‘refeeding’ guidelines outlined in Dr. Fung’s book - basically, you can’t go H.A.M. your first meal out after not eating for 3-days (or, in my case, more). It took me 4 hours to ‘refeed’ myself on broth, an egg, nut butter … up to the meal. And when I finally ate the entire (small) plate of pasta and garlic bread - which was soooo yummy … I didn’t feel so great. I couldn’t move comfortably. I started rethinking my latest life choices. It seemed like the food stayed in my stomach forever, probably because Audrey Junior was trying to save it just in case I was going to fast again. 

MONDAY: Let me tell you how I felt during CrossFit. It was their annual Christmas in July - 12

days of Christmas workout. It took me 41 minutes and I had to shed weight on the last two rounds. However, I never felt like I wouldn’t be able to finish, my body kept going. Six weeks ago, I would not have made it past the ninth round. I also would never have been able to sit down and write a blog post in a single sitting. Haven’t been able to do that in years. Yet, here I am.

 

Hurt feelings and all, I regret nothing.

Challenge accepted and executed. 

Now, during the ‘darkest times’ of my struggle, I watched YouTube videos of others who have done prolonged fasting to see if it was relatable to my own experience. It was not. Their experiences seemed easy - everything you want to see and hear to be motivated to try it out or to keep going. Most said they weren’t hungry, didn’t miss food (except the social aspect of it) and never hit ‘starvation mode.’ 

I wanted to call bullshit, because they all looked at their first meal after three days with tears in their eyes, salivating over their plate like a dog waiting for leftovers. It reminded me of the time my girl friend gave me a spoon of her homemade icing after a year of no sugar. I literally cried in her living room as I ate it. No shame. 

As an aside, there is a chapter in Dr. Fung’s book called “How to Beat Starvation Mode.” I hadn’t gotten to that part yet, so … yeah. Unprepared. 

All that said, I am glad this experiment is over. There are some actual health benefits for your body in fasting for 72 hours (and even up to a week and more) - so I will probably attempt to do this again next month and will continue to do intermittent fasting and follow a modified ketogenic ‘diet.’ It works for me currently. And it feels great to finally see RESULTS!  

Speaking of, I lost 7 lbs in four days to add onto the weight I had already lost. Maybe I'm being prematurely excited, but slow progress is better than no progress. 

A word on the keto diet. I have noticed the headlines demonizing this diet as well as
intermittent, short-term and prolonged fasting. But if you listen to Dr. Pradip Jamnadas, a cardiologist & Dr. Robert Lustig, endocrinologist (lectures are on YouTube), - they all say the same thing - less carbs, no sugar, fasting can be beneficial- for your health. It requires you to ditch the processed foods in favor of more whole foods - which hurts the pockets of the food industry but saves your health. 

I certainly didn’t want to believe THAT science,  until a few months ago when I had my ‘come to Jesus’ moment. There is no weight loss pill or vitamin/mineral supplement that will take care of the underlying condition that is preventing you from being healthy. And no supplement that is better for you than eating your vitamins and minerals. I wanted to believe in carbs and cupcakes, but  I guess I will have to learn to make my own cupcakes without carbs or sugar and hope they will taste as good as the garlic ‘bread’ I made the other day.  

This is not an endorsement or dietary advice. This is based on my own experience due to medical and health necessity.  If anyone reading this is interested in the Keto and intermittent fasting, Dr. Berg, Dr. Jason Fung and Dr. Ken Berry have YouTube channels. Dr. Fung also has a few books out - including ‘The Obesity Code’ which is also a great read. Do not try to medically diagnose yourself. As always, if you are on any medications or have underlying conditions, consult your physician before going on any diet and exercise plan. 

Life: "Post-parting"

I turned 47 last year. 

 

No one heard about it, because I was not motivated to remind everyone of how witty, cool and relevant I still am with my yearly “birthday blog.” Then, I got married this year - something I had been looking forward to for such a long time. And if I was feeling my normal, obnoxiously petty self, I would have posted dozens of photos and blogged about that, too - just for my haters and his exes. 

 

(I see you, still peeping our socials to make sure we’re not happier than you - SPOILER ALERT: we are.) 

But again, there was no motivation. There hasn’t been in a while. 

Even though I’ve been living in Mississippi for almost a full year, and I was excited to start a life here with my husband, to be honest it’s been kind of a struggle. Personally, professionally, mentally and emotionally ... 

And parentally. 

This isn’t a self-pity party, although my current mood and playlist says otherwise. However, I figured out the reason behind my “writer’s block:” what I wanted to write was not what I needed to write. 

So, here I am, sitting in my dining room office, drinking an herbal tea (necessary lifestyle changes) and trying to work through my thoughts and feelings so that I will be able to move forward - mentally and creatively. 

I want to go home. Back to our house in North Carolina. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mississippi and I’m still optimistic about our life here. Even if I’ve spent the last year in a professional slump. Trying to start up my photography here hasn’t worked out so far. So, I’ve been reluctantly filling the role of ‘trophy wife’ (in every way except aesthetically). 

 

And I know I married the right guy, because he has been extremely supportive of having a stay-at-home wife while encouraging me to create my own opportunities in all my endeavors. He’s put up with so much in exchange for homecooked meals: portrait test requests, craft project explosions in the kitchen, Amazon impulse buys, herbal teas, potions, vitamins and … frequent trips back home to work with clients … and to see my daughter. 

Because he knows the biggest struggle for me is being so far away from her. She didn’t want to move with us, and I (reluctantly) respect that - she’s an adult now. And I know she wouldn’t be living at home forever. However, hours long phone calls and virtual hugs are not the same. No one prepared me for remote parenting. 

The Internet defines this new transitional period in my life as ‘empty nest syndrome,’ which coincidentally, overlaps the other transitional period in my life - ‘post menopause.’

And it has been emotionally overwhelming.  

One of my favorite quotes is by Margaret Stone: “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

It is profoundly accurate. 

 

And absolutely antithetical to the ideas published in upbeat web articles aimed at “Empty Nesters.” They all acknowledge that it can be hard for parents to deal with an empty house in the beginning, but ‘oh, look at all the exciting things you will be able to do now’ that your kids are gone. 

Some of which include sleeping in, walking around in various stages of undress and “sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere.” 

Because that is every parent’s dream - to be a lazy, naked, nympho. WHEN THEY ARE OLD. 

I mean, first of all, I’m pretty sure I have not walked around naked on purpose since I was a toddler. And it wasn’t my kid stopping me from doing that as an adult … although it was a good cover when I needed it and dammit, now I won’t have an excuse. 

Juuust kidding. She wasn’t my only excuse. I just wish I could remember the other ones … 

However, I did join a gym this year, hoping to help bring a moderate amount of sexy back … and prepare me physically for the “sex anytime, anyplace part” - you know, in case that turns out to be a thing. 

And if our parents or kids are reading this: obviously, we do everything with our clothes on, nothing touches. There will be no nakedness or nymphomaniacal behavior here - only ocassional laziness.

But, I digress. 

 

Some of the other “things I will love” about being an empty nester were laughable - and subjective. Like, who even is writing these articles? I’m a certain percentage sure it isn’t another ‘empy nester.’ 

Because I don’t know about other parents ‘post-parting,’ but aside from my daughter not living at home, nothing else really changed for me. All the extra free time comes from only working part-time. I still have the same responsibilities as before, but now I just … have more time to do them. 

Speaking of, let me give a quick shout out to the real MVP - my husband - for keeping me busy in my free time by making sure there is always a butt load of laundry, dishes and cleaning. I don’t know what I’d do without him and the trail of socks he leaves from the door to the living room. Every day. 

 

But I bet it wouldn’t be picking up socks.  Kidding. Maybe.

I contribute to the dishes, too! 

 

So, what is the ‘empty nest’ life like for me? Well, you could say it’s been … a learning experiment … I mean, I had all these plans on writing more, traveling, photographing and ... stuff. But what am I actually doing? Well, not that. 

 

Check it: 

I’m holding pop-up concerts in my kitchen using a karaoke app … and adding dance moves I learned from various social media challenges. It’s quite the spectacle. No, I won’t be posting footage to the interwebz - I haven’t hit peak mid-life crisis yet. 

Thanks to YouTube, I was inspired to learn acrylic paint pouring. Now I have a garage wall gallery of abstract art, more coaster sets than I know what to do with, and all the art supplies. I am single-handedly keeping the craft stores here in business.  

Probably the best investment in my physical, mental and social health was joining a CrossFit gym. Initially, it was because my husband suggested I lose a few pounds - and no, I didn’t kill him. Mostly because he wasn’t wrong. But it’s been worth it - each class comes with workout buddies! It’s hard enough to make friends in a new place, much less drag them to the gym so I don’t have to suffer alone. 

It helped to keep me from ambushing my husband as soon as he came home from work every day, like “tell me what the outside world is like? Did you converse with people? Actual people? Tell me everything! WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES … do they smell nice?”

Humor aside, I realize now that I’ve been in a depression. But not the kind mixed with bitterness and petty betchiness I used to experience after getting dumped by some guy I thought I was dating, which would, in turn, motivate me to write a blog or do something creatively destructive with my hair. Some of my better blog posts - and worst bangs - have come from that kind of depression. 

This was a subtle build, so I didn’t really notice at first. Subconsciously, I guess I recognized this transition as one of the last big milestones of parenting and my brain acted accordingly. I didn’t want to acknowledge it; like, if I ignored or denied it, maybe it wouldn’t be true. Post-parting has to be one of the hardest chapters in a parent’s story. Maybe it’s because I only have one kid. Or maybe I’m just being overly dramatic ... because I only have one kid.  

Either way, this is where I am at right now. Alone in my feelings and procrastinating on the inevitable - letting go and embracing a new chapter in my life. Even if I don’t really know what that means. 

 

The husband would say it means being the best trophy wife I can be - JUST KIDDING … 

 

During her junior year of university, my daughter sent me a text (out of the blue) that brought me to tears. She said that I was her role model, an inspiration and the best mom, and thanked me for loving, believing in and encouraging her (paraphrasing). I think that whatever I do from here, I hope she can still say that, and be as proud of me as I am of her.  

I can’t say that this post-parting depression has completely lifted, but maybe I can harness what’s left of it into a mid-life crisis novel. That seemed to work for the authors of Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. Although I’m not quite sure how to turn a semi-autobiography into a fan-fiction trilogy - much less a single novel. 

Considering none of those novels were literary masterpieces, how hard can it be, though … right?  

In the meantime, I’ll just be over here, shaking my ass around the house, serenading the dishes and laundry, writing, painting and pretending I didn’t just turn 47, reach post-menopause and become an empty nester at the same time. 

And that I don’t want my daughter to come back home to stay for just a little while longer.