An open letter to the ladies

Dear Ladies (and all the men who are jumping on this bandwagon),

I'm trying desperately to retain some pride in my gender, but you guys are making it super difficult by arguing over something that you help perpetuate every day. And your defense is the Trump tapes of him being a douche. Now you're outraged, like, how can he speak like that about women?

You're telling me that until this point, you were ignorant of the fact that this happens all the time? And that you don't know how you contribute to this issue?

I just can not anymore.

To be sure, what I'm about to say in no way condones the sexist, rapey behavior by men - to include Trump and Bill Clinton; the latter who, in case we've all forgotten, put his penis in another woman's mouth who was not his wife and then tried to LIE ABOUT IT. I mean, that wasn't a loving, respectable act. But people still love and respect him ... and his wife - who let's not forget dismissed and shunned all the women who made allegations of sexual assault/harassment against her husband.

Anyways ...

A couple of photo memes are making their way around the Internet and social media in what is being interpreted as support for Trump's comments regarding how he has talked about and treated women. I'll post them here for you to see. And pay close attention to the Michelle Obama one. I'll get to that later.

Those memes aren't standing up for sexist comments made towards women. They're merely illustrating a very real and valid point.

Women sexually objectify themselves to get attention and then get butthurt when they are judged, attract the wrong kind of attention from what they intended or hear about someone making rapey comments on the internet. Wearing sexy outfits that show a lot of skin, posting half naked photos on your social media pages, dancing provocatively (with the intent to get attention) at a club/bar - that's sending a clear message to men that you want to be noticed for those things and not for the many qualities that make you an exceptional person.

I knew when I posted my Facebook profile photo, no guy was going to look at it and be like, "daaaaaaaayum, she looks smart." And if anyone had bothered to leave a sexist comment, rather than rant on about men being douchebags, I would have just deleted it and moved on.

The comment, not the picture - it's a pretty fantastic image.

Because I know that by putting myself out there in a certain way, I'm going to attract a certain kind of attention. It's really that simple. And there's plenty of other reasons men can be douchebags, why choose to be pissed about the one I'm contributing to?

What's not so simple is how women want to dress this behavior up in a neat little package called "owning your sexuality" as a way to excuse blasting it all over the internet to get attention and hope for an Instagram modeling contract. And also the attention of super hot guys who will validate their vanity with likes, shares and private message invitations.

And then screen shot and complain about how that's not the kind of attention girls like. Our boobs might be out, but those were just a beacon to get your attention, now get to know me. Hey, my eyes are up here ...

It's not owning your sexuality so much as it's flaunting it ...

Oh, and let's not leave out the part where we call each other bitches, whores and hookers like those are terms of endearment. It's not. Those are derogatory terms that men use when they are saying/doing all those rapey, douchebag things we're currently outraged about and which are are staples in pornographic scripts.

Porn, by the way, is not a sexual aid. If anything, it teaches men that women like to be treated like objects to be used and brutalized. There's more, but that's another blog post.

So, when you see the pictures of female celebrities like Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Rihanna and Katy Perry grabbing themselves by the pussy, they aren't owning their sexuality. They're flaunting it - blatantly. Whether it's to make money by selling albums or get enough attention to stay interesting and relevant after their 15 minutes of fame has passed, they are the ones teaching our girls - who look up to them - that this behavior is okay. As a parent, I have to turn around and tell my daughter that, no, this is not okay, you don't act like that or dress like that because it's not becoming of a lady who respects herself.

That's why when Michelle Obama says Beyonce is a good role model for her girls, but is outraged by Trump's sexual objectification of women, I have to point out that Beyonce is teaching her girls how to behave so that men feel they have the right to make those comments. And with the Internet and social media and dating apps, it's that much easier for girls to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation by showing off their goods the same way these celebrities put on a show - and possibly the same way they are seeing their adult parents acting on social media or out in public.

We can't put all the blame solely on men for these situations if we are advertising our goods and taking Beyonce's advice:

Ooh boy you looking
Like you like what you see
Won't you come over and check up on it?
I'mma let you work up on it

Ladies let him check up on it
Watch it while he check up on it
Dip it pop it twerk it stop
Check on me tonight

Not to pick on Beyonce ... but that's the song that popped into my head when I saw the meme. 

Almost everything in society is sexually charged. From what we watch on TV, in movies and listen to on the radio ... to all the magazines we like to browse at the grocery store check out. It's not just men's magazines promoting sex - it's Glamour, Cosmo and other periodicals aimed at women who are desperate for ways to win the affection of their crush or just find ways to stay marketable. 

It just gets passed off as dating, relationship and marital advice. 

I'm in no way saying women deserve anything less than respect regardless of how they are dressed. I'm also not condoning violence against women who flaunt their goodies in public. But I am saying that, just like men, women also need to take personal responsibility in all this. If it isn't okay when guys do it, then it's not okay when we do it either - even if we're doing it to ourselves.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will think they have to respect you.

Men should also understand that just because a chick's boobs are popping out the top of her turtleneck, it doesn't mean she wants to be groped. And ladies - turtlenecks aren't supposed to work that way.

No doubt, this has been an issue since women were created (or evolved into being, whichever your belief), and it likely won't go away fully. But, ladies, this kind of behavior begins and ends with us - apparently. When we stop telling guys it's okay to speak to us and treat us as objects put on this earth for their enjoyment, when our actions and how we present ourselves reflect that desire, then it will lessen.

When we stop quoting and idolizing self-sexualizing lyrics
When we stop sending nudes to guys we just met
When we stop meeting men on sites designed for hook ups
When we stop posting sexy pictures on the Internet
When we start covering our goods
When we start respecting ourselves and each other
When we start standing up for ourselves
When we start taking responsibility for our own actions
When we start to teach our girls to value themselves outside of what they see online, on TV and in music videos - and then take our own advice

Change starts with us in all things. Don't expect someone else to change if we aren't also willing to change.

As a realist, I can guarantee that nothing will change. And after this election is over, we will all go back to our regularly scheduled, self-objectified narcissism and resulting disappointed status updates in the form of silly memes, screenshots and misquoted celebrity quotes just to get even more attention in our cry for justice of being objectified by men because of our gender.

We don't have to be apologetic for who we are or what we have or even how we choose to present ourselves. Just know that perception IS reality for people who don't know you. We are all being judged just like we all judge. If you're putting it out there, you can't really be too mad when someone tries to pick it up or take it ... And while it's nice to have attention, ultimately it means nothing if it's not from someone who likes all of you - not just the parts that are fun to play with occasionally.

Let's make taking personal responsibility a thing again.

Sincerely,
A reasonable chick

PS: Disclaimer: I'm in no way saying that it's okay to be treated as an object or that women are asking to be raped by the way they dress or act. I'm merely saying that we encourage those situations by flaunting our sexuality. Rape is never okay in any circumstance.

Obligatory Political Blog Post

So, I’ve tried not to weigh in on the political BS on FB. Not because I don’t have an opinion, but thanks to the mainstream media, I end up arguing semantics which makes me realize that no one is focusing on the real issues.

It’s become a lot of drama – but other people’s drama, not mine, and that’s an issue for me. I really only like to talk about my own drama publicly. That’s why I have a blog, duh.

Social issues like racism and sexism are very important but can and should be solved by you and me – we can’t really look to the president to micromanage our everyday lives making sure no one is being racist or sexist. The government has more important issues to focus on that affect the nation as a whole. However, the media has done a great job making this election about those social issues. Yes, what Trump said 11 years ago (and quite possibly has continued to say over the years) is wrong and not okay. But if there was never a recording, we’d probably never hear about it and then we’d be looking for something else that will disqualify him from the presidency.

But to be clear, I don’t think his words should disqualify him from being the president considering we’ve had more than one president in the White House who has put his penis where it shouldn’t be. But I digress.

The best thing about the Trump tape is the discussion that’s been opened up and how everyone is all of a sudden seeing what’s so wrong about those words (like, before, no guy ever thought about it…). The hard wake-up call is going to be the fact that no one is going to do much about it other than use it to determine who they vote into the White House. And then once the election is over, it gets relocated to the rounds on social media where all important social issue discussions are retired. Just ask the feminists.

Thanks mainstream media.

But I’m getting off topic: It’s not about Trump saying mean things or not (legally) paying taxes; and – to be honest – it’s not about Bill Clinton “not having sexual relations with that woman” and his wife allegedly shutting down sexual harassment accusers. It’s not about a blouse, a fly or being fed information and favored in debates. We’re kind of way past voting for someone based on their moral character at this point because none of us are perfect.

We have to look at the bigger picture. (cue photo of the United States.)

This is about the future of the United States. One of these two people will be president. And at this rate, thanks to the main stream media, our choice is going to be based on who said the meanest things instead of who might be able to help America – even make America great again.

What we should be focused on as it nears November 8 are the real issues that affect all of us – and hear me out - because it took me a long time to put my thoughts into words that made a little bit of sense:

1. National Security

2. A Stable Economy

I mean, there are a few other issues, but these are the two I think are most important and obvs will affect our country’s future as far as safety and ability to sustain itself.

What do I think of Nat’l Security? Well, I don’t want the Mexicans gone. I don’t want to deny anyone access to legally live here. The wall idea is kind of stupid (and will never happen, so calm down). But right now, a lot of our immigrants are coming from places where there are known terrorists who hate our country and are targeting us in planned attacks. We kind of need a president who understands that and puts Americans and our safety first. I’m not saying let’s not let anyone else in, I am saying that a tougher screening process is needed. Because while most immigrants just want to be here and enjoy the freedoms we offer, there are many more who are coming through who can possibly build the Trojan Horse that brings us down. I’m not a doom and gloom person, but that’s a reality, people. And as a military strategy, it’s genius because no one believes that can happen. Even though it’s already happened once. How many times do we need it to happen before it’s too late?

Because I think once is enough.

Our economy is kind of shitty. Politicians are good at politics. Business people are good at business. Can the

two mix? I don’t know. Can Trump bring jobs to the people? I believe that he’s a shrewd business person. Hillary likely could do the same, but she’ll  raise taxes on the rich (her words, not mine) which I'm not even sure how that will create jobs ... And even though that sounds fair, it won't work because the rich kids and business owners (employers) will find ways to get out of paying that high tax.  So, people will have jobs, but businesses will do what they have to in order to get around paying a lot of that higher tax, including not employing more people, or cutting hours and distributing them in a way that's more monetarily advantageous. I really don’t know how to explain that, but as someone who has owned her own business (and failed at that), I can understand how targeting business owners and the wealthy won't help the poor or middle class. Just like raising the minimum wage isn’t helping anyone because it could put people in a higher tax bracket to pay more taxes and then eventually the cost of living goes up so that $15/hr won’t seem like enough.

All the politics give me a headache and anxiety. I try to avoid it as much as possible. But every time I open my Facebook it’s about Trump’s sexist tape or Hillary’s scandals (and how Biden should run or what about Johnson). I’m not going to say that either person doesn’t have the capacity to be a good good person, I can’t even say that one would be a better president than the other.

I do know that we need a real change in America and I think that only one of the two can bring it. Either way, it will be a gamble ... just like every election year. 

You don’t have to vote on November 8 (which is a day before my birthday, btw). It’s not your duty, regardless of what Robert Downey Jr and the Avengers tells you through a social media video. You can sit back and whine about how Biden was a missed opportunity or how it came between two people that no one seems to like and that if one or the other makes it you’re moving to Canada (you won't), or that you’re choosing the lesser of two evils (that's a cop out).

You know what? If that last one is why you’re voting, then stay home. No one needs that vote, it's stupid. Even if you think the problem is the government, it's not going to fix itself. Supposedly we - the American citizens - are here to be able to do something about it by voting for the person we think will do the most for us as a nation. 

Right? Or did I miss something? 

Anyway, you should vote for someone you can believe in, not someone you will vote into office and continue to tear down during his/her presidency like everyone has done since Obama, Bush and Clinton (and others, I’m sure, because it’s our right per freedom of speech and expression) were elected. And then re-elect them four years later because they did such a 'terrible' job. Whether we like who is in office or not, we should believe in and support them, because from the outside, not having people support the government is a sign of weakness. And if our government fails, we all fail. 

I’m voting to ignore the mainstream media focus on all the drama in favor of the real issues facing our nation. 

But first, I need an aspirin.

Disclaimer: I'm so ready for my friend's list to cull itself, so if this offends anyone, just know that I don't give two s***s and good riddance. 

You say crazy, I say quirky

"Behind every crazy chick … is a guy that made her that way," ~ true statement

Before we started dating, my boyfriend asked me what my 'crazy' was … assuming that I would be completely honest and tell him right then and there that I am not as chill as I said in my online dating profile. Bless his heart.

Juuuust kidding.

I never said that in my profile. And for the record, girls do not have the capacity to truly be chill, because hormones. But I digress.

Honestly, crazy is relative to what you're willing to put up with for what you think you're going to get out of being in that relationship. There's a guy who explains it well in a video called the Hot Crazy Matrix. Basically, is that person hot enough to put up with any amount of crazy? How desperate and lonely are you at that moment? Can the crazy be tamed? Maybe there's a happy medium ... although, there's no medium crazy. At all.

And everyone is a little crazy.

Most girls don’t like the word crazy when it’s applied to them and I’m no different. I prefer to call it being 'quirky.' Because crazy makes you think of Lizzie Borden or Britney Spears – two very scary chicks. Quirky is more like Punky Brewster and that's kind of cute. Right? It's also less threatening to people who are always waiting for that crazy shoe to drop.

However, all that said, I gave the boyfriend my answer only after gauging his level of tolerance which I judged by his star sign: Scorpio (more on that later).

 

My 'thing' or my 'quirk' (okay fine, my crazy) is that I over-analyze everything until it drives me insane. In the past, I'd be able to keep it to myself or vent to my brother or best friend, both of whom would talk me down before words were said or actions taken that would tarnish my 'chill' image.

See, in the grand scheme of the Hot/Crazy Matrix scale, I’m not attractive or rich enough to bring crazy to the relationship table. But weird and awkward - I got that shit covered. 

My mind is always working, computing some weird behavioral science equation, trying to figure out what people mean. Sometimes there's no trigger, other times it's a word or situation that reminds me of the past but most times it's a gut feeling. Every word someone speaks, action they take, or silence is either exactly what it is or maybe it's really something else. 

And that's probably why I'm more than a little obsessed with astrology – which is the tool that contributes to my … quirkiness.

I might believe in the general definition of human behavior as outlined by a person's star sign. It's as if knowing to what degree people can be dishonest will help me make better excuses for them. Maybe it's astrologically impossible for some people to be decent – like, they're just celestially predestined for douchebaggery.

It beats thinking that I might be the one inspiring someone to be a total tool. I used to say that someone will be an asshole until they find someone they don't want to be an asshole to; but, every guy I've met and thought I was dating turned out to be an asshole. I can't possibly be batting 100 on the asshole scale ... can I? I mean, what are the odds? 

So, within the first few minutes of meeting someone, I try to gauge their sign, approaching it as if I were a pseudo-scientific detective; because you never know when just asking will be weird. I listen to and analyze words, body language, mannerisms and speech patterns, plugging the 'data' into some made up astro-behavioral, zodiac equation in my head that mostly uses process of elimination by cross-referencing what I think I know about every sign in the zodiac until I find one that matches.

That has about a one in 12 chance of being right and a 100 percent chance of being weird and awkward – which is when I play it up as being quirky. It's kind of a hit or miss with guys and the chances of them not writing me off and walking away depends on how hot they think I am, how drunk they are and what kind of success they feel they might have trying to get into my fancy pants (that would be a big fat zero, btw) by feigning interest and playing along.

But if I had to be completely honest, I don't deal with a person any better knowing their sign as when I was clueless. People are a product of their environment, so even though they may exhibit 'textbook' characteristics of their star sign, those are also influenced by experience.

I used to favor my 'matches' – Cancer, Capricorn and Pisces – because I felt like there was a higher success rate guaranteed by the stars. But even those relationships went to shit when those guys turned into just as much of a toolbag as those who came at me from the other side of the wheel.

Basically, everyone from my astrologically ideal matches to the complete opposite, has the potential to be a dick. Really ... Is the universe trying to tell me that the ideal match for a Scorpio is an asshole? I suppose it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I mean, we can also be assholes.

It's true. We mean what we say, say what we mean and do what we say we are going to do – it's that simple. We also expect everyone else to do the same and we are assholes when that doesn't happen. In a society of flaky people who like being vague so as to leave their options open, we’re not afraid to commit - to a chore, an adventure or even a relationship. 

It also applies to friendships. Just FYI.

I don't know when I became so neurotic about using astrology as a means to understand people. It never worked. Obviously, there's a rotten side to every sign (person). We all have a Jekyll and Hyde personality that manifests according to our experience and how we let it define us. I try to focus on the best- it helps me make excuses for the worst. And we all know how that ends: in a dramatic blog post about the most heart breaking break-ups in the history of my life.

Every single time.

Check it:

Pisces – first everything. He racked up a $2,000 phone bill calling 1-900 numbers because this was before free porn on the internet.

Capricorn – that guy that cheats on his girlfriend and doesn’t see anything wrong with it because he's not married to her.

Cancer – married and cheating because he didn't feel married in his heart – he just wanted to connect fun places because his wife's fun place was too far away.

And those were my compatibles. The non compats were not any better:

Taurus – cheated on me with his wife and another girl, plus he had convinced himself that he was a bad person who didn't deserve good things. Well, no shit.

Leo – they love attention and will get it from anywhere even calling a 'bed-warmer' over to have a 'cuddle'.

Gemini – dumped me for not granting access to my back door and then tried to jump me at a bar some months later. For realz. Like wtf?

Virgo – showered immediately after a heavy make-out session that included some aggressive petting - over the clothes. Never called after, but he was married a few weeks later.

I'm a Scorpio, supposedly the most magnetic, extreme and intimidating sign in the zodiac. We have seven symbols each representing the evolution of different traits. One of those symbols is the phoenix, which is supposedly the ultimate goal as a Scorpio.

Through destruction we are reborn and rise from our own ashes. Like Jean Grey of the X-Men. So, I'm basically just waiting to become a mutant. I'm kidding. All it means is that we hit that point in our lives when we achieve maturity, stability and comfort because we know we can survive anything. 

Including our exes and frenemies.

I've been around the zodiac wheel in friendships and relationships. In all that experience, the common denominator is me. Truth is, when someone meets you, they've already decided how they want you in their life – as a temp or a permanent fixture – and will make the appropriate effort.

Regardless of your sign or your crazy.

Or if your sign is crazy.

  

But,  I'm not totally ready to give up on my obsession. I feel like it helps me see people differently and figure out where it all went wrong - you know, in the end when I'm over-analyzing everything.