Getting dumped sucks

All the motivational, positive and supposedly uplifting FB status updates don't change the fact that getting dumped sucks. You won't catch me posting bitter break-up quotes or sad messages on my wall inviting people to my self-pity party. As a matter of fact, the only thing anyone will notice is that most of the 'happy couple' photos are gone. Also, for anyone wondering why I don't 'like' their good couples news, I usually unsubscribe from happy couples who like to over share on my newsfeed for an undisclosed period of time.

I'm probably the biggest drama queen the first few days after having my heart ripped out of my chest piece, flattened and stomped on. Most of my relationships didn't last more than a few months, so if I had to be honest, there was no need to make such a big deal. But I would still call my friends and vent for hours like I'm the only one who's ever been douchebagged by a guy.

I can admit that. 

Most of the time, my first reaction is to move. It's not a reasonable solution to a broken heart, but it made me feel better to plan my fantasy move to a better place with a castle and a prince and a happily ever after.  No one wants to stay in the same town as their ex - how awkward and even more hearbreaking to see them move on and having fun without you (unless you move on first). You want them to be miserable and miss you so you know your time together meant something. But I guess four or five months doesn't really add up to much emotional investment - not when it was seemingly one sided. 

Three years, though ... with seven months of that waiting and being the support unit during a deployment (not to mention keeping the legs closed) ...  and giving up a house and relocating to another crap-hole-a of a town for a relationship just to get dumped four days into R&R and three days before V-day ... that equals total devastation - at least for this drama queen. That actually grants me extra venting privileges to include an extra two days of sobbing pathetically to all my friends - and possibly his, I don't remember I was drunk - via text, not wanting to get out of bed or shower and even writing a long-winded, self-deprecating  blog entry that I'll never post about how it was probably all my fault, all guys are douchebags and that I will NEVER get involved in another relationship again.

Which is just silly. It wasn't my fault and of course I'll date again.

Okay, okay ... not all guys are d-bags. The ones that are - they're only that way until they meet someone whom they don't want to be a douche to - if you're the one getting dumped, then it's not you.
The ex is not a bad guy - not totally. At least he wasn't when I met him and won't be when I'm done feeling hurt (which should be any day now, okay, God? Thanks, for the roller skates when I was, like,11).  As a matter of fact, the first year was kind of great. Then, not long after putting a picture of us on Facebook, all six degrees of separation between him and every girl he ever sent a 'dick pic' to, got so much smaller - and my trust issues got so much bigger. I'm not even mad that he broke up with me, because you can't make someone want to be with you. It was just the timing and the way he did it that hurt. It's having to deal with all the emotional shit you feel afterwards that sucks.
But I also feel relieved.

In truth, I felt like I was the only one who wanted things to work, if I had to be honest with myself. It was a lot of hard work to deal with recurring trust and fidelity issues. Hindsight isn't 20/20 and none of us are as stupid as we pretend to be. We just hope that by turning a blind eye and a deaf ear, things will work themselves out in our favor. They won't, even if we are willing to live deaf and blind forever. Unless you have access to a huge bankroll to buy all the pain away. I can see why a lot of celebrity athletes who cheat and treat their chicks like crap don't get left by them. I know that a boob job and shopping spree would probably make me forget a transgression or two  - if I could only be that shallow - and if I only had the dollar bills.

In the past, I've humiliated myself by looking for 'closure' as well as trying to convince someone why they shouldn't break up with me. There is no closure except what you give yourself and once you realize that it didn't work because it wasn't supposed to, then you will find it easier to work on getting yourself back together. There is nothing anyone is going to tell you that will make getting dumped make sense or feel better. You can't make someone feel something they don't or make them want to be with you. If it was meant to be, 'this'  wouldn't be happening.

I learn something from every ending - usually about  myself. I know that there wasn't anything I could do better or different. I'm kind of the perfect girlfriend.  It's a true statement. But  I've learned that I can be the perfect ex-girlfriend, too. The kind that doesn't try to win someone back, who doesn't techno-stalk the ex - even when a strong memory reminds her of him. The kind of ex who isn't going to try and be friends after it's over because she knows it's just adding insult to injury and the only girls that do that are the ones hoping for a reconciliation that almost NEVER happens. When it's over, it's over.
I will also never again spend my boob job fund supporting a guy without a bigger commitment than a domestic partnership. Kidding - I didn't have a boob job fund.

A good friend of mine who is going through a similar situation asked me how I can have hope after getting my heart pounded into the pavement. I just know the person he ended up being didn't deserve me ... even if I wanted him to - so you move on and hope the next person you may meet won't be the same.

Plus, bitter doesn't look good on me (or anyone) and I won't let myself regret time wasted. Because at one point and time, I had what I wanted, regardless of whether it was perfect or not.