I might be single and other things

It's not a big secret that I'm recently single - as in it's really been just two months. Pretty sure I blogged about it as soon as I got back home from my two week, post break-up sabbatical from Washington.

Even before I got back, I had friends pushing me to try online dating. They said it would help me get over the ex - whom I was surprisingly not as upset about as I thought I would be with about the breakup. It worked for them. So, I resurrected an old account on a site from a while back that I had set up to do research for an article. Actually, I had three different accounts and reactivated two. I wasn't sure I was ready to date, but I knew I was open to meeting new people and making friends.

Unfortunately, for me, the Internet is never a good place to meet people. I found this out when I wrote the article years back and all my recent experience did was reiterate what I already knew: people are scandalous and as much as I know I shouldn't ... I call things as I see them.

In the first few days, without a single photo, bio or intro on either site, I had a thousand messages from guys on both sites wanting to meet me.

Yes. A thousand.

As I'm clicking through messages and previewing profile pages, I could feel myself become more than slightly disappointed; not because they were so desperate they would beg to meet someone they didn't have information on, but that most didn't have a basic understanding of good grammar. Example:

One guy was looking for, “Just somebody two befriends with benefits no strings attached are if you want two get serious then cool but mostly two hang with with benifitsand ready two hang when ever realy.”

Verbatim.

There were several guys who had photos up that were obviously old and a few had pictures from a wedding I was hoping wasn't their own. Then there were the early-20-somethings looking for a 'cougar' or 'MILF.'

Sorry guys, I'm not into teaching and there is nothing any one of you babies will be able to do for me - conversation-wise or sexually - to make the experience worth it. Ever.

I lasted about a week on both sites and 'met' three guys on there. I say met, but I only actually came face to face with one. And this is why I probably won't do it again.

First guy was an older dude and I liked that he spelled every word correctly in his message, used complete sentences and had a current picture not of his penis. After a few polite emails and me sharing a face photo, we exchanged IM info and did that for a little bit until I felt it was safe to give him my phone number.

Which is where I messed up.

He was a pilot and had a big ego. I don't have time for that. What started out with friendly texting and getting to know each other, but it quickly turned into him becoming super possessive. Then he became pissed that I wouldn't agree to meet him at my place. Alone. For some one on one time. I didn't know this guy from Adam (figure of speech folks, not my ex) and I'm thinking 'Safety First.' He's thinking I'm married. At some point, I put my phone up for a while.

What finally broke that deal for me was finding 37 text messages - each one more angry than the next - and a few nasty emails - when I finally picked up my phone at the end of that night. All that after just one day equals no bueno. I wrote him a nicer-than-he-deserved email saying it wasn't going to work out. I do not like psycho-stalkers with trust issues. He called me a lying c*** and a cheating w****, but if I changed my mind, I had his number.

Oh, did I ... I will be calling him never.

Second guy was way older than the first. But I was okay with that because, again, he could spell and write like a champ. I like smart guys, it's one of my weaknesses. So, there I was, IMing with this guy for all of about 20 minutes and two phrases get red flagged: he kept saying he needed to be discreet and asked if I could ever meet during the daytime. He asked about my morals and had I ever done anything I considered 'bad.'

Well, I stole a bathing suit from JCPenney's once when I was, like, 16 years old. I also made out with a guy I was not actively looking to date - by the third time we hung out - and I liked it. Which, technically, wasn't bad. It was just not my style. A few Hail Marys and Our Fathers after confession took care of those transgressions.

But I had never, ever, ever, ever been with a married man - knowingly. And this guy was super married. I didn't even bother writing him an email saying thanks but no thanks. He knows what he's doing is wrong. His wife will catch him or he will catch herpes. He deserved both.

At this point, I should have quit. But you know what they say? Third time's a charm ...

It's not.

He was really good looking though - enough that I forgave his overuse of the acroynm LOL. This guy said he was 30, which is a little younger, but I could dig it. And I was kind of digging him. At this point, I had written a brief bio and he obviously read it as he mentioned it in his message to me. After a few emails, he suggested we skip the IM and just meet for coffee. So we did.

After a few minutes of chatting I got this feeling that while I was enjoying talking to him, we weren't on the same page - on any level. He wasn't picking up what I was putting down at all. He was into zombies and Dub step. And his car. He had a video game tattoo on his body piece. And he seemed really nervous around me. I asked him how old he really was.

22.

That's a far cry from 30, my friend. He denied lying about his age, so I pulled up his profile and showed him. Then asked him if he knew I was more than a few years older than him and he said yes. He looked a little scared, I'm sure it was the look on my face. I was slightly annoyed but mostly amused. It lasted about five more minutes and I called it, careful not to hurt his feelings because he looked like he was a crier. And I dislike it when men cry.

Both profiles are down. It might work for some people, but right now, I would rather take my chances off the net. It's not even like I'm meeting better people online - they are the same caliber of lying assholes who waste my time that I'm meeting offline.