“I’m going to attempt a CrossFit event this weekend, Fight Gone Bad, with my friends Rachel and Master Phil.” ~ Me
“Hehe. Hehehehe. Hahe. Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahehehe!” ~ the Daughter
“Really. What’s so funny?” ~ Me
“Nothing, mom, I just didn’t think you were that athletic, but it’s cool,” ~ the Daughter
She’s right. I’m not athletic. And CrossFit is no joke. Everything about it is intimidating from the intense WODS (acronym: workout of the day) to the close-knit community. But the results are real and motivate me to keep it up. After just one week, I decided to take part in Fight Gone Bad, a charity CrossFit event, at the urging of my trainer, Master Phil. I drafted his fiancé Rachel as my suicide buddy. Because I was definitely not ready to take on CrossFit newbie death – at least not by myself.
The WOD was not that difficult on paper: (3 rounds)
· Wall-ball, 20 pound ball, 10 ft target (Reps)
· Sumo deadlift high-pull, 75 pounds (Reps)
· Box Jump, 20" box (Reps)
· Push-press, 75 pounds (Reps)
· Row (Calories)
I was concerned about the wall-ball, dead lifts and push-presses because of the weight, but during the set-up, they made a lane especially for counter-CrossFitters like me: the weaksauce lane. That meant the wall-ball medicine ball would only be 10 pounds and there would just be a bar for the DLs and PPs. Once I sampled each station and was convinced I’d be able to do the WOD without dropping dead, quitting or puking, I relaxed. Until the event started.
I got my ass handed to me. Turns out, there is no such thing as a ‘weaksauce’ lane in CrossFit.You would think someone would have told me that at some point.
Maybe I should have started with something further from the wall-balls so that would have been last on my set-list. Because someone switched out the 10 lb. ball for a 20 lb. one and it nearly destroyed my arms.
Destroyed.
Going from that to the sumo dead lifts on the first round only served to punish my arms some more for not embarrassing me on the wall-balls. See, I pushed through the entire WOD on pride alone. Pride is a powerful force in someone like me, much like a Jedi, I was not about to quit and I was not about to puke. But I fantasized about both. I could only imagine how my buddy Rachel was doing.
Apparently, better than me by a whole 20 points. I’m glad I’m not competitive, which is another reason I powered through this WOD with my pride intact. My goal was to finish without dying, and I did that. Kudos to Master Phil for a good call in getting me involved in this event because not only did I have a good time, I learned valuable points:
· I know better than to say, “that looks easy.” As a matter of fact, those are famous last
words
- Pain is a relative term
- Puking, dying and crying are honorable ends to all workouts
- Wounds are like badges of honor: If you’re not sporting callouses, cuts and bruises,you didn’t work out hard enough
- Most events are for charity, so you almost HAVE to complete it or you feel as if you’ve failed more than just yourself. Good tactic.
- All WODS seem to be named for chicks, Mr. Glassman must have had some seriousfemale issues.
The gym is called a box and the workouts typically involve a timer and a large group. So, if you share my phobia of working out in front of people … recruit a best buddy who is also at your level so there are at least two of you who look clueless and awkward. I like the workouts because routine bores me. Pretty sure plowing through CrossFit without my muscles imploding or exploding will never get boring.
However, I don’t have a hive mentality and just because I like something, doesn’t mean I will immediately become all about it, own all the gear and speak the language. Not sure if that’s cause I’m just too old to get it or if my independence is rebelling against what I see as conformity – the exact reason I was not popular in school growing up.
(Well, that and some of my hobbies which included being a half-elven, warrior mage in Dungeons & Dragons, dressing up for the Heroes Convention every year, art, reading, being smart and euro-pop music - just enough to hit nerd status. Which would all still be happening except that I quite like having a boyfriend and a moderately popular existence playing it all down. But I digress … )
CrossFit is an intimidating community. It’s all about the WODs, the gear, the physique and the lifestyle – and proving that you live, breathe and sleep it. It really is a lifestyle choice and it’s about making choices – the right ones – although it can seem a little extreme to outsiders looking in:
Diet: Paleo – the caveman diet. Eating like our ancestors to be healthy. I am neither for nor against any kind of diet, but have you seen a Paleo muffin? As my friend Rachel pointed out, the key ingredient in one of those is sadness (note: never tried one, so if they are yummier than they look, apologies). I’d rather eat guaranteed happiness in the form of a yummy, calorie-laden, cellulite-fertilizing brownie – then work it off with a good work out. (Actually, in research, those on the Paleo diet were found to have more energy and better recovery time during and after workouts.) And you can modify to include important stuff like dairy so you don’t cut out certain nutrients. Eating is important when doing CrossFit, so if you’re a fad dieter and into cutting food completely from your daily ritual to try and lose weight – don’t do this, you will die.
Fashion: CrossFit is like the special operations of the fitness world. As such, there’s gear sponsored accordingly. If you’re a dude, you probably own board shorts and shirts with bad-ass logos and sayings. Shoes are optional, barefoot is preferred, and if you don’t want to go barefoot, you can invest two whole paychecks and get a pair of Vibram 5 fingers. Contradictory to the name, these are like gloves for your feet. Get the feel of going shoeless but with the security of knowing your piggies are covered and hugged … ? They are unattractive, make you look like you have frog feet and I will never own a pair (another set of famous last words) unless they come with heels.
CrossFit-ography: Because if there are no photos to prove it, that awesome, torturous WOD never actually happened. At every CrossFit event I’ve been to, there have been at least 10 cameras, that do both still and video, recording at all times and all of it ends up on Facebook. I guess it’s a sign of pride in accomplishment, but currently, I’m not into posting photos of each near death experience I have with CrossFit. One day, when I look and can perform like a bad-ass, I will partake in some social network, CrossFit narcissism – My muscles in their own album.
Acronyms: Because after a hellacious workout, you don’t have the breath to speak in entire sentences – or at least that’s been my experience so far. It’s like another language. I had to Google WOD, AMRAP, CFT, DL, FS and BS, among others, so that I could read and understand the workouts – it was like reading a military brief. There should be required reading as a pre-req; Google-to-go has been an amazing fingertip cheat sheet.
Enthusiasts of any kind bring me great joy in pointing out the hilarity in extreme behaviors – this includes me. I make fun of myself a lot because I don’t understand a lot of what I get myself into and boredom, curiosity and dislike of repetition/routine has motivated me to try a lot of things – most of them not as productive as working out. I like CrossFit for the workouts, but I don’t see myself immersing into the lifestyle. If that makes me an outsider – as long as I can still workout, I’ll be okay with that. Besides, I own a camera and I’m pretty darn good with it: will trade WOD for pics.
Yes, Master Phil and Rachel, I will be there 5am Monday.
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