Unlucky Valentine

“You don’t want a guy who will buy you a Valentine one day out of every year, anyway; You want a guy who will make you his Valentine every day of the year.” ~ me

Did you hear that Cupid? Make that happen!

I dislike Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those awkward ‘holidays.’ If you’re single, you become painfully aware of just how single you are when you log onto Facebook and your wall is saturated with every attached ‘friend’ posting about how happy they are in their relationships because their significant other made it to Target or Walmart in time to grab a card, flowers and chocolate.

If you’re attached, the pressure to find the perfect Valentine that will guarantee to drop a girl’s panties is tremendous. And what girl isn’t trying to put together the bro-quet that will catapult her to ‘Best Girl Ever’ status and perhaps even garner the label of ‘girlfriend?’

The stress is second only to that of trying to buy the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts – or any gift, especially when you are terrible at buying gifts for people.

Like me. The only person worse at buying gifts than me is my ex: he once bought me an animal print snuggie for my birthday. 

Lucky for me, I’ve been single for V-day for seven years, even though I had been in a relationship for the last three and a half. Don’t ask me to explain the math on that one, it’s a long story but suffice it to say it’s also a very entertaining, learning experience that I am sure to share one day soon.

One of the things I’m known for is giving advice. I’m pretty good at it where it concerns everyone else’s issues in general or in relationships. But my own personal life is not that simple.  I used to think I was a victim, until recently. I realized that I stopped being a victim when I could identify the fact that I’m being wronged, but still refuse to take myself out of a situation. Especially the times I would stand up for myself and extract from a toxic situation, then put myself back in it – choosing to stick around trying to become the exception.

There is no exception to any rule, regardless of what that book or movie told you. Things are what they are – people treat you the way you allow them to treat you and if you don’t respect yourself, why should they? Especially when you change who you are to be what you think someone else wants you to be ... don't you shake your head at me. We've ALL done it. I'm just admitting to it. 

Now, here I am, just before moving back to be with my daughter full time and make up for my poor decisions and having to pick up the pieces and start over once again. After successfully spending every major holiday, to include my birthday, for the last three years alone, going pretty much broke and suffering third degree emotional damage, I finally snapped.

Actually, it was more like I slowly woke up and smelled my own stupidity. It came after a conversation that took place in a gentlemen’s club (where all important heart-to-hearts should take place) with an unlikely source of clarity.

I owe that guy a big thank you, even if I stopped him from telling me things he thought I should know, but I knew from the look on his face those things would hurt me even deeper.

So, dude, you know who you are – and I’m sure you’re reading this because you’ve admitted to stalking my blog online – thank you.

In the unhappiness I’ve experienced over the last eight months, I’m looking forward to starting over and forgetting this experience. I know I should consider this a lesson learned, and maybe after the first time things went sour I could say that. But at this point, the things I learned about myself don’t make me feel as good as what I learned last time.

It wasn’t all that bad; But every day that I accepted less than I deserved was  another day away from my daughter who means so much to me, but whom I felt I had chosen another life over. Whatever I told myself the reason was, whether it was to build a family she could be a part of or for a job when I was unemployed, it was the wrong decision. I've always known that.

So, today, I am leaving Texas.  I have a kid that loves and needs me, friends that love and want me, and soon, my parents will be close to me.  Although this is not where I saw myself at this point in my life, I guess it’s better than some of the places I could have ended up.