Picture this ... my dirty bits ...

So, guys like to sext me pics of their dirty bits. That's a true story I wish wasn't ...

Boyfriends, just friends and even guys who are not my friends at all ... think that getting the digits is an invitation to telephonically  share the ugliest part of their anatomy with me.

Because the penis is what attracts me to a man first. Not his soulful eyes, playful smile or chiseled features.

Nope ... it's his naked package.

Like, I'm going to look at it and think, "Damn, that's a pretty penis, how did I get soooo lucky to get that ... package?"

Right.

What I'm really thinking is, "Is that the best angle he could take it at?" because I'm a photographer. Then the realist in me begs to ask, "Is this what courtship has evolved into?"

One of my exes loved to sext his dirty bits. He was (and I imagine he still is) very proud of something that performed better than it looked - and that was just most of the time. He didn't just share it with me, either, he sent his man bits to quite a few girls who pretended to be as impressed as I did. How I found out about that is another story. But I digress.

Honestly, there is nothing impressive about a penis unless it, or the person attached to it, performs exceptionally well.

However, when it's your boyfriend sending the pics, there is a certain, obligatory etiquette to be followed which includes a script of flattering replies to send after receipt that will boost the ego and ensure he will not try to overcompensate by making a lengthy 'performance' in leiu of his shortcoming(s). Pun intended - every single one that can be made from that statement.

And, I'll admit, I'd rather he send it to me and not a bunch of other women.

But, there is nothing like getting that random 'test shot' from a guy I've never even thought about sexually or in general. The one that's just accompanied by a smiley face followed by the awkward pause to see if you're gonna bite ... no pun intended. I've gotten so many of those, I could publish a coffee table book and call it "The Definitive Cockumentary." It would work because each one is so different ... ly ... ugly ...

Let's see, there was the one I thought was fake because his tool was ten shades darker than the rest of him; the banana split; shortstack; the bedazzler; and the boomerang - just to describe a few. I could make them all look like Polaroids, not unlike the ones serial killers like to take of their victims in all the movies.

Maybe once these tools see their tool from my point of view, it might dawn on them how silly they were to think it was sexy. At all.

Yes, I know it works both ways - chicks sext their girly bits all the time. Let's face it, fellas ... girls are just prettier. Unfair? Maybe. Fact of life? Absolutely.

When did people first start to think sending selfies of their dirty bits was a good idea? It's like smart technology has made the average person lose their mind and morality.  It's become sort of a phenomenon, with political figures and celebrities entangled in scandals involving the over-sharing of their naughty places accidentally on purpose. But technology has made it just as easy to call a douche out as well as to creep.

It's embarrassing, if you ask me.

So, if you are one of the many who gifted a pic of your junk to me, rest assured that I have deleted that nonsense from my phone. There won't be a 'cockumentary' or a dedicated social networking page with phone numbers attached to each photo as I so often joke to my friends.

If you're a guy contemplating sending his junk to a girl hoping to catch her attention ... let me suggest that flowers might work better. Unless it's me. I can tell  you right now, I'm not interested.  But if you insist ... be warned: I will take that as an open invitation to critique the anatomical value of your ... member - without mercy.