Forging Elite Phatness: The story of how I made a Crossfit date and he wasn’t totally turned off

“What’s W-O-D?” ~ Him

“SHHHHHHH! Oh my God, not so loud, you’ll be crucified!” ~ Me

“???” ~ His face

“It means Workout of the Day in the crossfit community,” ~ Me

There are a few things someone who is not an elite athlete should not do under any circumstances. Actually, there is really only one thing and it’s so glaringly obvious that I’m beside myself at having missed it.

Never, ever, under any circumstances make crossfit a date activity unless you are really, really good at crossfit and being athletic. Especially if the prospect is hot, athletic and has never seen you workout.

Unless you have the ability to suck at working out and still look hot and graceful. 

I’m not either and I'm definitely not athletic or good at crossfit. I go, do my best and I’m excited to still be moderately mobile and alive when class is over. So why I suggested to this hot, athletic-looking guy that the way to score a date was to make it through a WOD is beyond me. But I did and he accepted the challenge.

And it was the most embarrassingly painful experience I never actually expected would happen. What guy works that hard for a date? With me, no less!

Most guys who talk to me visibly fake an interest in what I do and like in a supreme effort to drop my panties. If they are cute enough, sometimes I fall for it, date for almost four years and then I get dumped in another state while he ends up with all the girls he’s never had the chance to be with (and hopefully a nasty STD) when he goes back home.

But I digress.

This guy, though, took the “crossfit for a date” challenge. I prayed for an easy WOD with no lifting because watching me clean and jerk is like watching someone get electrocuted.  But mainly because this guy was hot and I didn’t want to look like an amateur on this ‘pre-date’ date.

Hot guy is very fit, but admitted to never having the crossfit experience. I thought this would give me the advantage. Especially since the WOD looked relatively easy: 15 min AMRAP of 250 meter row and 25 push-ups. I mean, it was so easy there wasn’t a weaksauce scale for it.

I thought I was good.

I wasn’t.

As a matter of fact, by the time the warm-up was over, I was ready to call ‘time.’ But I looked at my 'almost date' and he hadn’t broken a sweat. So I faked bad-assery and was like, BRING IT ON, COACH (but in my head, not out loud, lest my shaky voice betray my insecurities) and took a superhero stance.

I look good and a little thinner when I stand that way, FYI. It's about posture and angle. 

So, the WOD starts and I get thru the first row and head down for my first push-up and that’s when I realize I am going to have issues. After one push-up, my arms decided they were too wrecked from the row, buckled under my weight with each rep and I smacked down on my chest 24 more times before making it to the second round.

As I started the second row, I peeked over at ‘almost date’s’ progress on our shared whiteboard and he had already completed an extra round while I was fighting thru my first round push-ups.

At that moment, I wished I had bothered to wear make-up because if I was going to suck, I wanted to look good doing it. But I didn’t and I was looking rough and weak.

I immediately regretted making this a condition and wondered why the hell he would agree to such nonsense – wait, why would I come up with such nonsense to start? Then my prayers turned to hoping neither coach would critique me so I could at least use my dedication to technique and form as my reason for not making it through more than two rounds in 5 minutes.

Let me also say that 15 minutes is a long time when you’re crossfitting. It’s like a WOD has the ability to slow time. Science fiction you say? Try it and see if by the second round of anything you're not wondering why only one complete minute has passed.

Again, I digress.

When it was over, I could feel my boobs starting to hurt because the last 50 pushups were just me body slamming the mat. My arms were numb. I was raining sweat from every single pore on my body and I was resigned to the fact that ‘almost date’ was 

going to probably turn into a ‘non-date.’

But, I had completed 5+ rounds and was feeling accomplished. Until he said he’d done seven. I looked at him and in that moment, he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen. And he wasn’t sweating.

Because when you complete a WOD like that without prior experience, you don’t sweat. You glisten. He was glistening like the pictures of those pro-athletes you see on posters for workout supplements and gear. And he was beautiful.

And I looked like a sweat-drenched, hot mess.

However, mentally, I high-fived myself for not quitting and being able to walk out on two feet instead of on all fours dragging my sweat and pride behind me.

And hot guy is still looking to collect on that date. Which will never happen at a crossfit gym ever again.

Ever.

Next time, it will be Wine & Paint. I'm good at art.