Confession: I'll miss you NEVER

"... I still miss you more then words can express ... I am serious about moving to be with you ... I just wish I did all these things sooner and maybe I wouldn't have lost you. I will always love you and miss you ... " ~ the ex

After a few weeks of not even remembering I have a LinkedIn account, I logged into it because I had notifications saying updates were waiting for me. It was several notifications.

It was for one message. Several times. And it was from my ex.

Sometimes, the almost four years I spent with him still affects me in a way only the other girls he cheated on me with would understand.

I don’t have any love, or like, left for the ex. When I left him and moved back home, it was a huge relief … that didn’t last long. Within a month, the texts and emails started, professing his true love, regret at having let me go and that he misses and can’t get over me.

Boo. F******. Hoo.

 I think if he could have figured out how to attach images to a Linkedin message, he would have included a pic of his junk since he thinks it’s made of dickmatizing magic. 

It isn’t.

Plus – not a fan of baby carrots – which is what all selfies of a man’s junk tend to look like because no one understands why angle and composition are important.

I digress. 

Not that I would feel bad for him if any of what he said was true. Actually, if it were true, I’d probably be doing some well-deserved gloating. As a matter of fact, I’d be gloating so much, it would overflow right onto all my social networking feeds. You know all those annoyingly vague status updates we all hate, make fun of, but find ways to use anyway? The ones about getting dumped by a douche who is now pining for what he lost? Those.

And I wouldn’t be vague.

Like, seriously, my Twitter would be a quoted play by play of his life sucking balls while I’m living la vida loca. I’d post pics of me with a suitable upgrade so even if he thinks he’s the hottest dude in his hometown (if he is, that’s pretty sad), he’ll def know he’s not the hottest guy I’ll ever be with. Instagram will be saturated with selfies of happiness stitched together with popular Internet break-up sayings. I’d even tag his two exes and his BFF in all that business.

So … that’s not really my style, but I would def be doing wine and gloating night with my BFFs.

But he won’t even let me have that because he’s a selfish prick. He was feeding me a bunch of bulls*** trying to get a reaction that would massage his ego. And to be fair, the first time he came at me, I listened to what he had to say before finding out he was playing me and a few other chicks … at the same time. I called him out (pretty funny story), but that didn’t stop him. It became a cycle:

Him: Message

Me: Reply to STOP/Ignore

Him: Disappear for a few weeks

Cycle: Repeat

He is like an antibiotic-resistant STD that keeps flaring up – can I say that? I feel like it applies.

I know replying is inviting, but ignoring was not working and the only other option is to delete the only place I can’t block him from, which is a great professional networking tool. That’s unfair.

He’s not so bright though, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would get an opportunity to drive my point home.

And I got it.

He must have forgotten his sister is on my Facebook. While he has been busy telling me how much he still loves me and that he’s a changed man and wants to be a better person, I’m watching him pretend to be that better person to someone else through the photos posted from the holidays on his sister’s page – and his new vict- I mean girlfriend’s Twitter and Instagram - which I found through shameless Google research.

(Look, don’t act like y’all have not Google-stalked a liar or an ex or his/her new squeeze to get to the truth or find out if they upgraded or downgraded. We ALL do it, I’m just admitting to it.)

Flowers? Jewelry? The ‘L’ word? Mention of marriage? All in less than six months? 

Dude stepped up his game.

How could I not see that as anything but a slap in the face? Granted, I found that s*** on my own, but I was (and still am) tired of him contacting me once every few weeks like I’m going to forget that I don’t wanna talk to him.

So, I did what any other drama queen would do: I called him out. Then I offered, ever so sweetly, to forward all his emails and text messages to his new girlfriend – which, incidentally, seems to overlap the time period of his current relationship. Maybe I’m a little curious to know how his new girlfriend would take it if she knew he was still offering to move out here while they were planning Christmas together – or that he was trying to contact me at all.

I haven’t heard from him since because he knows I’m good for it. I don’t make threats, just promises. And if I had to be honest, I really, really want him to test me on this … if for no other reason than so I can blog about how it goes down. However, I’m thinking he’s not going to be dumb enough to f*** up a good thing twice …

Point is I was ready to let it go when I left him because according to the way he treated me during our relationship, I felt he was ready, too. If he had felt any of those things in his messages, he would have been a better person and kept all his promises to me instead of waiting for me to leave before telling me he’s ready to finally do it.

(But I'm glad he didn't, because I decided size matters ... size of the heart and his is very small and fake.)

I know he didn’t think we were getting back together. Pretty sure I made that fact known when I said, “We are never ever getting back together.” (Then I hashtagged Taylor Swift to his face because sometimes it’s like that.)

Or did he think we were going to be friends after everything? Because I am sure I was 

pretty clear that also wasn’t happening when I said, “we aren’t going to be friends. Ever.” 

So what is he getting out of creeping me?

Actually, I really don’t give two sh**s why, I just want him to stop. He’s taking all the joy out of this break-up and making it super hard to enjoy the perks of being the dumper instead of the dumpee. Like gloating and getting to bask in the glow of his misery because he’s NOT really miserable.

Neither am I, though.

Despite not getting to gloat, I’ve been fantabulous.

If I had to be completely honest, the only time I actually think about him is when he reminds me that he’s still there. Otherwise, he doesn’t exist for me anymore. Maybe the end result is for him to be immortalized in my blog – and maybe I’m just looking for a reason and opportunity to tell that story.

Not even as a cautionary tale, but just for entertainment.

 Because after almost four years of dealing with his addiction to hermaphrodite porn, 47” butts, cheating with other girls, his sense of entitlement and superiority stemming from his glory days of pop warner athletics and the ability to ace the Army PT test, and probably being the least intellectually interesting personality on the planet – well, let’s just say I earned that story. At least he was cute ... 

As well as the story of how all that had to happen so the good things happening now could be possible. Because sometimes you can't appreciate the good stuff until you've been through the worst stuff.