Single mom dating … the truth about modern dating

See that face? It's the face of intimidation. 

I’m girlfriend material.

It’s what I’ve been told by guys I thought I was dating who I later found out were emotionally unavailable. They were either hung up on someone else or married. I’d like to think if any of them were legit single at the time we were together, I wouldn’t be single right now. 

Kidding.

My ex of almost four years proved that theory wrong anyway, because he was actually single when we met – no wife or girlfriend in another state. Yet, he cheated all the time. It’s amazing his penis wasn’t chafed. But I digress.

I’m not desperate, but I am picky. Within the first few sentences of a message or minutes of a meeting, I’ll know if I like someone enough to date him or just have a little fun*. It’s nothing personal on their end, it’s just me. I know what I like and don’t like … and apparently, some inner part of me is drawn to emotionally unavailable guys.

*For the record, I did not initially want to date my ex.

While I can be happy single, I like being in a relationship. However, I’ve been mostly single for almost two years. There was a short period of time I fell off the future cat lady wagon and was reminded – even though it didn’t end well – that I’d like a boyfriend. But the game has changed so much since I was 18 – which is when I started dating. And it keeps changing and I don’t know where to find the rulebook. So, everything I’ve learned, I had to learn on my own or make up as I went along.

Check it:

Everyone wants to play the “let me pretend I don’t like you as much as you like me” game – including taking hours or even days to text or call. This usually backfires because if I feel you don’t like me, I will lose interest. Some even pretend to like you while weighing all their options.

Good luck figuring that one out. I don’t have time for that.

I was told guys will go the extra mile to show you how much they do like you. I’ve had a guy drive 14 hours to visit me … that seems like a lot of like. At least, it’s a lot of miles to go and not get laid. Which may have been why it didn’t work out. Or maybe it was because he had a baby with his buddy’s wife?

Sex is as integral part of the courting process now as holding hands was back in the 30s. There’s a definite time limit to when you’re expected to put out, and you can’t do it a moment sooner or later. However, no one has given out the actual time frame of what’s whore-early, acceptable, or too late. It’s literally hit or miss. You’re either a slut or a prude until you meet the right guy who could give two f***s because he’s just into you.

Right? Right.

Phone calls are almost non-existent, so I’ve had most of my relationships in the past eight years play out through text. It is the single most detached form of personal communication, but the convenience fits everyone’s schedules – admittedly, even mine sometimes. When I get a call, it’s like Christmas and I’m so damn excited I can’t even bring myself to speak coherently or intelligently.

 “I’ll let you know” is a text I see often when trying to make plans to do anything within the parameters of my limited schedule with someone whose schedule is almost always open when mine is not – and never open until the last minute just in case there’s a better option.  

* By the way, your texts are going through. If they didn’t text back it’s because they didn’t text back. Not because they didn’t get it. I employed that trick, too.

I learned the hard way that “wanna hang out?” really means “let’s hook up;” Especially if it comes via text and between the hours of 11 p.m. and 5 a.m.  It explains why guys were unnecessarily upset when the answer was, “no, thank you.”

Let’s talk about sexting. Tell me why I want to waste eight hours of my day either recapping the previous night or sexting a hypothetical plan of action to a night in the future? Mild, sexual flirting = okay. Blatantly pornographic scripting sessions = exhausting … and you will owe me a lot of dollars for that effort.

Ain’t nobody got time for that ... unless you have the money to pay for it. #bitchbetterhavemymoney

Everyone is always shouting they don’t like labels and papers because making things “official” ruins a good thing or puts their personal life at risk on the social network. 

There’s only so long you can blur that line before you have to make a decision that’s (let’s be honest) really based on whether you think you can do better. Sure, you can do better, but how long will it take you?

Oh, and all you hot ladies who date down because you think your guy won’t cheat on a hot chick: check yourself. You just gave him the confidence to creep. Learned that the hard way, too.

And no, karma doesn’t come after them when they brutally dump you over text (because it’s inconsiderately convenient).Your ex will move on faster than you, with an upgrade (even the ugly ones), and will probably do well in life, and don’t we want to be an instrument of karma to speed up the payback? But we can’t, because karma will definitely come after US faster than a painful bowel movement after a night in Mexico.

Social media plays a huge part in relationships nowadays and it’s unfortunate. It’s an enabler. Private messaging and options for flirting under the cover of seemingly innocent comments and status updates create an environment perfect for douchebags - that would cheat anyway. Not saying everyone in a relationship that has a social media account does or will cheat, but it’s like a menu of options for a lot of guys and girls who may get bored with monogamy. Oh, and I can’t leave out how many times I’ve found out, via Facebook, guys I’ve been seeing were married or attached.

It also offers more drama than Lifetime Television Network.

How many times are fights started over who liked which b****es pictures and comments on whose page and why an ex is a ‘friend’ or is that status update about me, can you please delete these people and …#omgicanteven.

So much drama on the FB Newsfeed, it’s kinda hard being normal in relationships, but somehow, everyday, people come up with stupid ass s*** with every update.

Oh, and guy/girl code? It doesn’t exist. Yes, I learned that firsthand. Your best friend is only as loyal as his/her non-attraction to your ex who may or may not be looking at revenge sex for getting dumped or for not being welcomed back with open arms once he/she realized how badly they f***ed up and came crawling back.

There are people who will not hesitate to overstep boundaries.

But probably the biggest lesson I learned was that the person who cares the least in any relationship has the most power. Maybe that’s why everyone pretends to not be as interested – because #reversepsychology.

I’m a single mom and really don’t want to waste time on anyone who can’t be honest and know what they want – and that what they want is me. The time and/or money I spend on a date or with someone pushing for a one night hook up is money and time taken away from my kid. That’s how I look at it.   

So if anyone has that rulebook I can’t seem to find, can you shoot me a copy? I feel like it would help me decipher the cryptic world of modern dating.