Breaking up is hard no matter what end you are on

Don't look for a reason that isn't there. Sometimes
The simple one is the only one.

So, I had every intention of blogging about that one time I accidentally wore my thong backwards to the gym. Never mind how it happened. But every time I sat down to write, my mind wandered off to a conversation I had with a friend of mine about relationships – mostly mine.

Specifically, the break-up of the first relationship I've been in since the last one ended two years ago. Well, the first one I knew had a chance to go anywhere.

I often wonder why I turned to blogging about the end of a relationship when the more lucrative route would be to write songs like Taylor Swift. But I digress.

My previous ex boyfriend and I were together for a few years that were peppered with temporary breakups. Those were almost always initiated by him to facilitate his wandering penis, and suffered by me venting through blogging, crying and an embarrassing amount of Keith Urban.

Yes, Keith Urban, don’t judge me.

Every time we got back together, a little bit of the wonder and excitement of who we once were was gone, until the end, when I made the final break. I didn’t cry or wallow in a self-pity party singing Keith Urban songs into a gallon bucket of Hagen Daas. Emotionally (and financially) I was ready to be done with that chapter of my life.

I didn't think I’d ever meet anyone I wanted to date seriously after that, because the roller coaster of that relationship left me feeling jaded and unsure that I'd be able to trust anyone again.

However, I have to concede the one thing that was great about that particular ex was the space he gave me when I wanted it; never mind that he needed that space to cheat.  If I could have that, but without the infidelity … But, again, I digress.

So, two years and a few casual encounters later, I finally met a GREAT guy. Like, so great. He’s caring, funny, good looking and has tunnel vision when it comes to me – faults, phat and all.

And I broke up with him.

No, I don’t regret it. When I made the decision, I knew it was the right one – for both of us. And the only reason was that I didn't feel as much for him as he felt for me after the few months we had spent together and I don't know why I didn't. It wasn't fair to him – or me – to keep going and hope something changed. He deserves more and so do I.

Don't try to make a reason
that's not there.

But, he needed a reason that made sense to him. How does one fall out of like/love with someone for no reason? And as we talked, I found myself trying to find things he could accept. He was looking for faults he can change to make things right. But it wasn't that simple.

When someone is done with a relationship on an intimate level, just the act of having to go through the motions is irritating. All the things you once thought were cute or able to deal with suddenly become points that grind on your nerves and you become someone you won’t like to a person who doesn't deserve it. It's your subconscious telling you something is up.

  

And maybe those factors contributed to losing that loving feeling, but ultimately, not having reciprocal feelings is the bottom line. We all want tangible causes we can understand, but all that does is bring someone down for being themselves.  I mean, those quirks probably attracted us to them in the beginning. But when things are ending, they can become the catalyst for a break-up.

I've been on both sides of the break-up, although it’s been a long time since I've been on this side. I have hurt and have been hurt (blogs upon blogs upon status updates of those, btw), and it never gets easier. It doesn't matter the length of time you are together, in the end, there is no obligation for anyone to stay with you forever. THAT was a hard lesson and pill to for me to swallow all those times I was being dumped on the side of the proverbial highway of love.

Like, it’s really hard to deal with someone not wanting you anymore. You DO look for reasons so you can not only have closure, but also have something to blame other than someone fell out of love with you just because you are you - never mind that it has nothing to do with you ... But then you open up a whole other can of worms that effect your self-esteem and worth. So, the only closure you need is what you make for yourself when you finally realize it’s NOT you, it IS them. 

And if they suggest staying friends, just know that it won't work at first, if ever, because of your feelings. It's like having your dog that you love so much die and trying to keep it. 

In the end, you want that person who broke your heart to suffer as much as you – like, somehow, that would be a fit homage to the time you spent together. I get it, no one wants to see the other move on first. And we do suffer, because – and allow me to be a little dramatic here – the agony of breaking someone’s heart is real for those of us who genuinely care, and it stays with us for a while.

Yes, I second-guessed what I was feeling in the weeks leading up to my decision and sometimes even now. What reasons could I give for staying if I didn’t share the same feelings? Only selfish ones like:

1)   What if I’m just not ready right now, but later on I could be but someone else might snatch him right up?

2)   What if this is my last shot at a relationship with a great guy? I’m not getting any younger, right?  

3)   How many cats will be my penance? Is it, like, one per every year of my life? Is a lifetime supply of Benadryl covered by my insurance?

Ultimately, those are petty reasons to delay the inevitable and we all will move past it to either newer and better or, if the stars align and Cupid is generous, a second chance if and when the time and circumstance is right. Although, in my experience, the second chance is always friendship and never anything more because once you break someone's heart, you don't forget it and neither do they. It kinda hangs over everything like a storm waiting to happen.

If you’re the one getting dumped, and someone did it the right way, instead of the fade away, you are fortunate. It shows they not only genuinely care about you and the relationship, but they respect you as a person. Anyone who sends a text or an email, or just disappears, is not worth the heartache, remember that. You might think things will never get better after a broken heart, but they will. I promise, because I've been there.

Several times. 

By the way, if you need a song to help release the heartbreak or the agony, “Tonight I Wanna Cry” by Keith Urban is the business. Listen, sob, repeat  - until you feel nothing when it comes on but the unmistakable urge to puke.

You’re welcome.