We're Doing Relationships Wrong

I’m not a relationship guru – far from it, in fact. As far as my own relationships, I don’t even pretend to know what I’m doing anymore. I’m a year into a relationship now and will admit that I’m kinda flying by the seat of my pants with no belt.  It’s by no means the longest relationship I’ve been in, but in today’s growing hook up culture, making it to a year with the same person is a milestone. 

But, that said, I know what might be working for us, probably won’t work for everyone else, so I don’t presume to tell anyone else how to make his or her relationship work ... anymore. Really, no one else can, either. Because we are all different and each relationship has it’s own dynamic. 

However, that doesn’t stop us from advising our friends and social media circles, does it? Whether through memes, status updates, or articles and blogs, we are always quick to offer advice. Which can go only one of two ways: it works, or they get dumped.

If they get dumped, we say their ex was an asshole anyway and a favor was done for them. But if it works, we obvs take the credit and immediately add relationship expert level 1000 to our online life-coaching resume and promptly start dispensing even more advice – solicited or not – through our social media timelines and feeds. Most likely both.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit I dig getting to advise people based on my own experience of trial and error. I don’t like to brag – actually, yes, I do like to brag, and my advice is 95 percent on point. I’m just better with your life than my own. But I’m not here to recite my resume of “I told you so” moments as proof. 

I’m only here to point out what we all probably know about modern relationships and how we are doing them wrong. So, pay attention, because I don’t like repeating myself:  

Tech and Social Media
We pretty much live each day one right swipe away from a break up. Technology and social media keeps us connected to instant opportunity and gratification – all the time. It distracts us from committing to what we have by convincing us to believe we might be missing out on something better.

So, we date with one eye on our phones and one foot propping the door just in case we need to make a quick exit.

Not only that, technology and social platforms have taken our ability to really connect with someone emotionally by allowing us to pretend to be ‘personal’ in impersonal ways. We text, message, snap and swipe. We sit next to each other, but talk to other people. We’re living together but sharing our lives with everyone else. We’re more disconnected even though this tech is designed to keep us connected. We have entire relationships – as short-lived as they are – without ever having to actually talk and get to know someone past what we know through their online profiles. 

Easy Sex
Let me start by saying I’m a little old fashioned. I don’t believe that women were created to be equal to men. I believe men and women were created to complement and complete each other. But, the modern woman is independent, doesn't need a man and has a right to satisfy needs without having to justify her actions. Saying that, there is a double standard when it comes to sex. 

Women are so proud to call themselves sexually liberated these days, being DTF with NSA and open to FWB. But the consequence of that is since men can get sex without any type of emotional investment or time, they don’t have to worry about committing to a relationship of any length or even marriage. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” 

By no means am I advocating celibacy for anyone – except my daughter who is no doubt reading this right now. I am saying women today sling their lady business around like it’s a freakin free meal, call it being sexually liberated, then complain about men who take what they are offered and leave when they are done.

Free Porn
I once dated a guy who was addicted to porn. Maybe I should’ve realized it when I saw his phone lock screen showcased three asses stacked on top of each other but I honestly mistook them for those yummy yeast rolls at the Golden Corral. What’s more – each of those asses had a name and he knew which was which – get this – by the shape and texture. THE TEXTURE. I can’t make this up if I tried. 

For the record, porn is not a sexual aid, nor is it a healthy past-time for couples or even single people. Porn tries to teach us that cheating is okay, that women like to be used for someone else’s pleasure and also love to watch their man giving another woman the business. Porn has desensitized men and women to healthy sex by corrupting their views on what it means to be emotionally intimate with another person by promoting unrealistic sexual situations and body types. It affects the pleasure center in the brain and skews what it takes for a person to get aroused, preventing men and women from being able to make that emotionally intimate connection.

That’s just the Cliff’s notes.

“Look Ma, No Hands”
I recently had a convo with a married friend who said that if her hubs cheated, it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. Her reason? Sex doesn’t mean a betrayal of the heart, it could just be they need to find something that is missing from the relationship.

Like what? An STD? Um, GTFO with that nonsense. If my man puts his penis in another vagina, he not only becomes a health hazard, he becomes a single man. But I know what she’s saying – sex can just be sex, but carrying on something more can become a relationship.

Again, technology and social applications keep doors to instantly gratifying opportunity open, allowing people to foster pseudo-relationships on the down-low – or in plain view. People think flirting, sharing sex jokes, offering compliments and confiding in someone other than their partner - and calling them a friend – is not cheating because there is no physical intimacy.

But there’s only so many times you can hear “omg, they’re friends, like family” before you gotta ask, “is it normal for family to send nudes to each other?” #askingforafriend.

The point is, doing this takes away attention, emotional confidence, communication, trust, loyalty and closeness – essentially starving the relationship - because those needs are being met elsewhere.

Baggage
People use their past experiences to validate how they treat their current relationship. Some place restrictions on the level of commitment hoping to mitigate future disaster or even karma from finding them. Others use their past to justify treating someone as bad as they were by someone else - like it’s an entitlement.

So, not only are they setting it up to fail from the beginning, they are essentially punishing someone who hasn’t done anything wrong for the bullshit someone else did. And then they actually explain it just like this to whomever they are dating because sadism.

No experience gives anyone the right to be an asshole to someone that doesn’t deserve it and the best way to make up for being an asshole is to not be a future asshole. Duh. Common Sense 101.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Everyone says absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that’s a bunch of bull and crap, especially in today’s hook up/break up relationship culture. It’s more like out of sight, out of mind. When couples are apart, it’s like the relationship is no longer a priority above a closer Tinder match.They basically act like they are single – hanging out in bars or clubs with the girls or guys and justifying it as living their life, they aren’t doing anything wrong, it’s just fun. But doing those things fosters insecurity in the relationship, which leads to jealousy and petty arguments until someone leaves the toilet seat up and that’s the last straw.

Too Much Too Soon
Then there are ‘couples’who hit the ground running: they try to turn a hook up into a long-term relationship. They want all the maturity and emotional connection in a relationship that’s usually built up over time to happen within a few weeks. So, in the effort to make that happen, they suffocate the relationship until it fails because no one likes to have someone living in their butthole 24/7/365.

Expectation versus Reality
I met a guy after my first divorce. We dated for a few months and I expected we were destined for long-term. But, alas, the reality was he’d only been looking for a good time and accidentally let it go too far. I didn’t even have a clue otherwise until he replaced me in his top 8 on MySpace with his ex-girlfriend. 

It didn’t occur to me to say anything about my expectations in the beginning. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with me forever, right? Except for both my ex-husbands and all the guys that dumped me … nevermind. 

The point is, everyone wants that epic relationship – you know, the one advertised by people we don't know on social media. And they play this game where they hide their true intentions so that the other person will give it a chance. When that doesn't work, they try to change someone else to be who they want or change themselves to be who they think the other person wants. 


Guilty on that last one. For the record, I am not into bodybuilding or sports and my fave movie is not Point Break. 

Lack of Communication
We don’t talk anymore. We text. And even then, we casually skirt the issues we don’t want to address because it’s easier to pretend they don’t exist. You know, just in case they work themselves out over time. But what ends up happening is that they fester like an open wound until all it takes is one dumbass argument about a toilet seat being left up and it all implodes. Poof.

Minimum Effort
Relationships aren’t self-maintaining. They take work. But when the going gets rough, old or hits a bump, it’s easier to cut and run or use those issues to justify looking for a distraction or even a replacement as an easier solution than actually resolving problems and growing as a couple. 

Most people nowadays like the idea of being in a relationship, but not the reality. Everyone wants to be free to do what he or she wants to do all the time without obligation or consequence and also be with someone who will put up with that shit. Relationships are built on communication, trust, respect, commitment and love, and the ability of both partners to actively work towards building a future together. But no one wants to put in the work because “life is too short to waste time because maybe there is someone more perfect for me out there who won't be as much work.”


Take it from me, someone who basically has a Master’s in Being Single, Dating and in Relationships from the School of Hard Knocks after 12 years. I am basically telling everyone what they already know.