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| Photo collage by Serdar Gulmez/Photographer/Greensboro, NC Wonder Woman armor crafted by www.jasonevansfx.com |
Just to clarify: by flash, I mean hot flash, not camera flash.
And while I'm on the subject of menopause, ladies ... it's not as bad as I'd been led to believe it would be. Yet, at the same time, it's no joke, either.
I've been in menopause since my early 40s. The first thing to go was my menstrual cycle and truly that was a celebration of freedom. Nothing else seemed to happen after that, so I fell into a false sense of security - until this year.
That's when my body decided it would just go ahead and release all the menopausal symptoms at one time.
And why the hell not?
Going into the last half of my 40s, it would only seem fitting to battle it all out at once. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia ... challenge accepted.
Just kidding. I opted for hormone therapy like a little bitch until it brought back my periods and so I quit HRT and am now coasting into 46 au naturale.
Did I mention I'm coming up on my 46th birthday?
Speaking of my birthday, this year’s Scorpio season saw me downgrade my birthday month to just a birthday weekend. It’s a lot of work to pretend to be excited about two things that aren’t really that exciting – my birthday and star sign – just for the sake of social media appearances. Realistically, I can probably keep it up for about a week on social media and by the time my birthday actually gets here, I’m over it.
My star sign is not a crown and my birthday is just another day.
But each year, I write a celebratory birthday blog. Sometimes it’s early, sometimes late and sometimes – like this one - it skids into my birthday at the last minute like some of my daughter’s college papers. I mean, what’s the rush? I have until midnight after which I’m going to be 46 for a whole year. It was a little harder to write this year because I didn't do much other than work. But here I am … with no direction and a lot of self-reflection.
You have been warned.
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| Photo by my daughter. She said I look bored, but this is my happy face. |
But each year, I write a celebratory birthday blog. Sometimes it’s early, sometimes late and sometimes – like this one - it skids into my birthday at the last minute like some of my daughter’s college papers. I mean, what’s the rush? I have until midnight after which I’m going to be 46 for a whole year. It was a little harder to write this year because I didn't do much other than work. But here I am … with no direction and a lot of self-reflection.
You have been warned.
46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46 46
When I see or say the number, I feel like I should be in a panic because I’m that much closer to the big 5-0. I never believed that age is just a number. I've always said it’s more than that. It’s how long I’ve been on this earth, how much life I have experienced, and the knowledge and wisdom I may (or may not) have gained in that time.
So, I’m 46. It’s not “the new” anything. It’s just 46 - and that's okay. I don’t feel my age, but then, what does it actually mean to “feel” an age?
I’ve never "felt" my age. That’s a true story.
I’ve never “acted” my age either. Another true story - you can ask my parents.
Every year after 35, as I inched closer to 40, I would experience mild anxiety and panic at nearing an age I considered ‘old.’ Listening to everyone who made it there before I did, I expected my body to fall apart, my face to show excessive signs of wear and – being single at the time – turning into a spinster because no man would want to be with a woman past her prime and child-bearing years.
Even men my own age, which was a hard pill to swallow when that started back in my mid-30s.
No, ladies, being a puma or a cougar is not something to celebrate or aspire to regardless of what porn, mainstream media and feminist social activists would like to push into relevant acceptability.
No, ladies, being a puma or a cougar is not something to celebrate or aspire to regardless of what porn, mainstream media and feminist social activists would like to push into relevant acceptability.
The only guys interested in older women are older men looking for a placeholder and young men looking to punch their (sexual) experience card. I’ve had my fair share of dating younger men because men my age want women my daughter’s age (20s). I can tell you that it’s a lonely and depressing place to be when you realize there is nothing those boys can give you but a good time. And there is nothing you can give them but experience.
Great for a good time, not for a long time.
And remember, posting self-affirmation memes and quotes online doesn't help the cause - it's just an attempt to prove viability by seeking validation from everyone else through likes and shares online.
My pride never let me do that. I'm not begging anyone to see me.But, I digress.
So, while I have a few more wrinkles, one less tooth and dealt with a 5 years long intestinal infection from my career in crash fad diets and eating disorders that stemmed from a poor relationship with my body, I don’t feel old. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty damn good for being 46 years into my life. Which makes me wonder:
Why do we talk about the downsides of getting older like they are negative side-effects of prescription medication?
“Once you hit 46, you may experience menopause, intermittent constipation that may last weeks, popping joints, failing eye sight, gray hair, saggy body parts, unexpected weight gain, memory failure, sudden onset diet restrictions and allergies … if any of this lasts more than 4 years, you may wish to check into an assisted living facility now.”
But what about the benefits?
What no one tells you is that the older you get, the more you start to accept yourself – and I’m not just talking about the muffintop or thunder thighs. After wasting years of my life trying to be someone else’s idea of who I should be, I'm not afraid to be who I am, say what I mean and do what I want. It’s not a movement – because there is no social media hashtag that can inspire me to take stock of myself and learn to be okay with who I am without a filter.
Being present, engaged and connecting with myself offline – accepting, facing and somewhat defeating my past – not only changed the way I see myself, but also who and what I was attracting into my life. We’re all magnets and are constantly pulling the same energy we put out towards us.
Not a Zen moment, just a real moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have insecurities that stem from a less than positive body image and – as much as I try not to – past relationship experiences. I’d love to say that I never use those things to pick fights with my boyfriend but I’d be lying. I’m still a girl.
Basically, what I’m saying is that I am now way more secure in myself and my insecurities. I know my crazy and I'm honest about it. No apologies.
Not a Zen moment, just a real moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have insecurities that stem from a less than positive body image and – as much as I try not to – past relationship experiences. I’d love to say that I never use those things to pick fights with my boyfriend but I’d be lying. I’m still a girl.
Basically, what I’m saying is that I am now way more secure in myself and my insecurities. I know my crazy and I'm honest about it. No apologies.
And yes, I am still with the same boyfriend. It’s been almost four years and I’m sure he’s just as happy as I have been since the day we met, if not more. I never blog about him or our relationship, but it is so imperfectly perfect that I might start – he’s already been notified.
Again,I digress.
So, before I sat down to write, I went back and read a few of my past blogs. Reading through my inner and outer journey - from chasing meaning in meaningless things and relationships to finding the real meaning in my so far, well-lived life - was kind of an emotional experience.
So, before I sat down to write, I went back and read a few of my past blogs. Reading through my inner and outer journey - from chasing meaning in meaningless things and relationships to finding the real meaning in my so far, well-lived life - was kind of an emotional experience.
It felt like I was reading the script treatment to a KDrama.
“It’s the story of a girl, raising a girl, being the girl that everyone wanted her to be for them until she finds the boy that just wants her to be the best girl she can be while raising her girl together in life with him.”
“It’s the story of a girl, raising a girl, being the girl that everyone wanted her to be for them until she finds the boy that just wants her to be the best girl she can be while raising her girl together in life with him.”
And of course, as in all KDramas, it’s filled with emotional roller coasters, highs, lows, calms and a happy ending (no pun or offense intended) after 50 episodes.
Unlike Chinese dramas that take you through 75 - 100 episodes and end on cliffhangers because they’re f*cking communists and don’t want anyone to be happy and have closure.
(Just kidding China, if you’re reading this.)
On further thought, it’s probably more accurate to say that my life up until now has been a series of cliffhangers – always ‘to be continued’ based on the consequential outcome of my own poor decisions. Admittedly, I know how things will turn out since I tend to make many of the same mistakes more than a few hundred times. But since I don’t make them consecutively, there’s always that brief moment of initial surprise before recognition sets in.
Unlike Chinese dramas that take you through 75 - 100 episodes and end on cliffhangers because they’re f*cking communists and don’t want anyone to be happy and have closure.
(Just kidding China, if you’re reading this.)
On further thought, it’s probably more accurate to say that my life up until now has been a series of cliffhangers – always ‘to be continued’ based on the consequential outcome of my own poor decisions. Admittedly, I know how things will turn out since I tend to make many of the same mistakes more than a few hundred times. But since I don’t make them consecutively, there’s always that brief moment of initial surprise before recognition sets in.
Hey, at least I can admit my life is my fault. I feel like that’s being somewhat mature.
But even through all of that, I don't have many regrets.
But even through all of that, I don't have many regrets.
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| https://imgur. com/gallery /0Ioet/ comment/ 354139533 |
The ones I do have are because I chose to prioritize over my family. I missed time with my guy, my daughter, brothers and parents in favor of filling up my free time with more work. It sucked to miss my daughter’s prom and my niece’s graduation. I worked on my daughter's and parents' birthdays. Every second of free time I had, I gave away to everyone except my family and friends.
It wasn’t until recently that I made the abrupt decision to re-focus my life around my family. No, it wasn't some kind of spiritual awakening. I just had the epiphany that I didn't really like working 7-days a week and missing out on life.
So, I did something about it.
Because time is something I will never get back, the worst feeling to carry around is regret over wasting it on things that don't matter. I'm not getting any younger, so there really is no time to waste anymore.
Forty-six is going to be full of changes that will bring big things – according to my divination chart. As a Scorpio, I've entered the third and final transformation - the Phoenix. I mean, if I believed in all of that.
Still flying by the seat of my pants with no real plan. But I’m looking forward to seeing what I’ll be doing this year.
It wasn’t until recently that I made the abrupt decision to re-focus my life around my family. No, it wasn't some kind of spiritual awakening. I just had the epiphany that I didn't really like working 7-days a week and missing out on life.
So, I did something about it.
Because time is something I will never get back, the worst feeling to carry around is regret over wasting it on things that don't matter. I'm not getting any younger, so there really is no time to waste anymore.
Forty-six is going to be full of changes that will bring big things – according to my divination chart. As a Scorpio, I've entered the third and final transformation - the Phoenix. I mean, if I believed in all of that.
Still flying by the seat of my pants with no real plan. But I’m looking forward to seeing what I’ll be doing this year.
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