Wonder Woman Wednesday

In honor of Wonder Woman Wednesday: 

Taken right after I realized that I was experiencing a wardrobe malfunction.
You can see my arms trying to keep a grip on my armor. Good times. 

So, this past Saturday, I did a thing.

I took my daughter to Animazement in Raleigh and cosplayed Wonder Woman.  

That’s right. I wore a costume to an event outside of Halloween.

Even though I wasn’t the only adult in costume, I would wager that I was the only one who had no f*king clue what I was doing. I felt like a noob. I mean, technically I was a noob, but I also LOOKED like a noob. And after a few hours of the cosplay life, I definitely gained a newfound appreciation for the art. Yes, it’s an art. Not just because most cosplayers make their own costumes, but they also get into their ‘character’ on demand.

You’d think I would already know this from my kid doing this every year, but I’m usually the one standing off to the side like a ‘dance mom’ miming poses for her to do while I’m holding my bag, her phone, drinks and any swag we pick up or purchase. But I digress ...

For me, showing up and walking around in costume was the easy part. But I wasn’t ready for people to ask to take photos of and with me. For some reason I thought that I’d still just be bodyguarding my kid – who was dressed up as Sailor Pluto – as people asked to photograph her like every other year. Except this year I’d be in costume.

Carrying around a plastic sword and shield.

Getting flagged down on the way out.
My daughter took this pic of me while
I was 'posing' carefully for someone else.

However, that was not the case. We weren’t there a few minutes before the photo requests started. At first, they just wanted pictures of my daughter. But then, I got my first one. Like a deer in headlights, I stood there for what seemed like the longest minute while the person taking the photo just waited.

What were they waiting fo - oh.

They wanted me to pose … as if I WAS actually Wonder Woman.  Put on a show. Look bad ass. In my bad ass costume.

I wasn’t ready for all of that …

Before I continue, let me tell you about my bad ass costume. It was/is spectacular. I had it custom made to fit my measurements by a guy I found on Instagram who does amazingly detailed work. It looks exactly like the new movie costume – except with a lace up corset back. Putting it on, I thought it would be smart to wear spanx and support hose to slim my curves and to perhaps even help the costume go on more smoothly. I literally packed myself in like a sausage. From the boobs down, nothing was jiggling or moving. I didn't need to wear Spanx, it just made me feel more secure in the costume.

With that in mind, I felt like I could strike almost any pose and I would not have to worry about any part of my body poking out. And I did! With each photo op, I got more and more brave - pulling my arm back, reaching for my sword, standing like a boss warrior babe. People seemed to dig it.

In my mind, I was straight FIRE. But reality caught up with me a little late into the day and boy was that ever so humbling … and humiliating.

See, I wanted photos of me and my daughter together before she took her costume off, so we went to one of the photo stations. We took a few together and then I had her take some individuals. As I was getting into my first ‘hero’ pose, the photographer stopped me immediately and rearranged my body, explaining, “To keep your side boob from showing.”

Um, first of all, I didn’t have side-boob showing when I initially put the costume on.

Y’all, my costume had slipped down a bit sometime during the day and all the curves I had shoehorned into my shapewear started to squeeze out the top like a push pop. And it wasn’t side boob - it was my curves slowly expanding out like a busted can of biscuits under my arms and around my back.

#dead

I was (and still am) slightly mortified, wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, and I’ve been

The only photo I found of me on IG. 

frantically checking Instagram to see if any of those photos have been posted (I’ve found only one and thankfully it shows nothing). I couldn’t even pull it back up without undoing the corset back because it was so hot in the convention center and I had sweat a small river inside the armour causing it to suction to my body.

So, I just clamped my arms down on the sides hoping that would help. But at that point, I just gave up - whatever was going to happen could not be worse than what had already happened.

Through that, I still had a great time at the con with my daughter. She was – like always – my biggest cheerleader. I also love my costume and plan on wearing it again – without the spanx and maybe do a little research on posing.

Wonder Woman has been my favorite since I was a kid. I loved the TV show, comics and I enjoyed the new movie(s). But I never wanted to be either version of Wonder Woman. I just wanted to be a Wonder Woman. It only took me 40 years but I actually got to be me - Dawn Elizabeth - as Wonder Woman.

And my daughter finally got me to cosplay to one of her conventions.

#winwin

Until next time - ciao!

Costume by @JEFX - check out his page on IG or visit his website: www.jasonevansfx.com.

To abort or not to abort – is it a human right?

The better question is, isn't it a human right to be allowed to LIVE?

Before I continue, I should say that I am pro-life for me and pro-choice for everyone who feels they need that option. But I'm not dumb and I realize the contradiction in values and the moral implications of abortion.

Recently, Alabama’s abortion bill has set fire to my timeline on social media. As a woman, I should be upset. This violates my right to choose what I do with my body, right? I should be able to terminate a pregnancy that I do not want to carry to term. It’s my prerogative and no man – or woman – should be able to control what I do with my body.

Right? Maybe. But, I’m not really upset because I think in my heart, I know it's wrong to fight to be able to kill an unborn child who didn't ask to be conceived and who doesn't get to make the choice to live or die because it is a body living inside my body.

However, something else is happening that is cause for outrage and I will get to that later.

I don’t talk much about it, but I’ve had two abortions in my life – both around 5 weeks gestation. I remember both vividly and while I do not regret either one, I am not proud of them. Because those were selfish choices I made on behalf of a baby that did not ask to be conceived. I was irresponsible and that fetus paid the price for my actions. During my second one, I was in my 30s and chose not to get anesthesia – I wanted to feel the consequences of my action. I don’t recommend it.

But, still, I am pro-choice.

I may not choose abortion for myself again, but it is still a choice. And now there are some states taking that choice away from girls/women (even in instances of rape/incest which I do not agree with at all), but I can understand that as I am pro-life as well. When I talk to my daughter, I let her know that if that’s an option she feels is necessary, I won’t judge her for it, but that I would hope she would choose life. Because a fetus is a human and a human has a right to life, right? Even in the case of rape/incest, a fetus is still a life. But since it wouldn’t be her choice to get pregnant in that circumstance, why should it not be her choice on whether to have the baby or not?

But regardless of circumstance, it should still be HER choice.

Abortion, morally, is wrong. I can agree and accept that. As a society, we’ve dehumanized infants at the point of conception until birth because that makes choosing death for them an easier choice, one without guilt. I’m proof. I do not feel guilt or regret over my decisions and I’m not proud of that fact. What kind of person doesn’t feel anything over exterminating a life before it has a chance to be born? There's no justification except selfishness (except in cases of rape/incest).

The same kind of person who is more concerned with baby animal rights and the rights of every living creature on earth except baby humans who have not been allowed to grow and be brought into the world - regardless of the reason of pregnancy. I see a lot of posts and articles about the horrific crimes done to animals who can’t protect themselves but, in my mind, wouldn’t a fetus also be in the same category of not being able to defend itself? Or is it intent of the mother to keep or abort that dictates how we feel about baby humans versus baby animals?

Yes. And no. Or maybe …

It’s because we don’t consider a fetus a human at all until after birth. And that, folks, is social engineering and conditioning at its finest. That is a contradiction in morals and values that has been indoctrinated over decades through all forms of media and institution to desensitize us to things that we should have strong moral objections about. My own experience is proof of that as well as the evolution on what we now tolerate as acceptable actions and behavior in comparison to 30-40 years ago. But I digress.

If people can champion the ‘rights’ of unborn and baby animals – basically all animals - because they can’t protect themselves, but not the ‘rights’ of unborn and baby humans who also can’t protect themselves, what does that say about humanity?

Nothing really good. And yet, even knowing this, I am still pro-choice for those who feel that is the only option.

What people should really be concerned about – what I feel is a real ‘right’ or necessary ‘privilege’ that may be taken away (if it’s true) – is now there are politicians targeting to regulate or even limit  access to affordable birth control pills under the reason that it is ‘pre-abortion.’

Which is utter bullshit and outrageous.

There is no better way to prevent an abortion than to prevent a pregnancy. That, folks, is where your outrage should be. Men – and women – are trying to limit a woman’s choice to prevent unwanted pregnancy by taking away the option for birth control – according to the latest headlines. I’ve yet to fact check it, but if this is even remotely true, it's wrong.

THAT is waging war on women’s reproductive rights or privileges -however you want to classify it.

Think this is a 24 week old 'fetus' born
premature. I struggled with including
this as an illustration, but I feel like
people should be aware of what they
are choosing and for whom.

Taking away a woman’s privilege to terminate her pregnancy is not a war on women’s bodies. It’s a movement to ‘save the babies.’ I might not agree with it, but I can understand the morals behind it. But taking away a woman’s privilege to use any means necessary to prevent a pregnancy – and then limiting or banning the privilege to abortion in the event of an unwanted pregnancy because she was not allowed to prevent it in the first place – is controlling women’s reproductive choices when it isn’t necessary.

You won’t change my mind.

Forcing women to give birth to unwanted children, thinking they might choose to adopt them out or take one look at that sweet face and fall in love … is a fairy tale. Forcing women to give birth to a child they don’t want fosters resentment and it’s often taken out on the child if they choose to keep him/her rather than adopt out. So when that politician said, “kill ‘em now or kill ‘em later” – he wasn’t lying. It was cruel, blunt truth and not because that child will become a criminal as he tried to say. It’s because there’s a chance that child will be mistreated, abused and even killed before he or she reaches adulthood.

And at least he’s admitting that abortion is, indeed, killing a child. THAT was an unintentional step in the right direction.

If we want to reduce the abortion rate, we need to educate. And not in the “if you don't want to get knocked up, don't have unprotected sex” sense. Start teaching young girls and women to make smarter choices for themselves and their bodies. Explain to them that they become mothers from the point of conception - they are not expecting a child, they HAVE a child. They are not getting ready to ‘be a mom,’ they are already a mom.

To change the way people think about abortion, you need to change the way they think of conception and pregnancy.

Teach them the consequences of being irresponsible with their bodies. Make them respect their bodies and not be so frivolous with them. Show them the fetus at every milestone of gestation so that they understand when they make the decision to abort, that it is a life they are exterminating, not just a ‘clump of cells.’

And if they get pregnant, let them make their own decisions – because when you properly raise and educate your kids, you will be surprised to know they don’t make these decisions lightly - for either choice they make.

As a mother, if my daughter didn’t know any of this, I would say that I’ve failed her as a mom. It is not the government’s or the education system’s job to teach my kid about life, sex and babies. I don’t feel that it should be a government decision to regulate a service like abortion or birth control, much like I opposed the ACA for the same reasons – keep the government out of my healthcare decisions. Although, as a side note, I also do not think the government should subsidize abortions with tax-payer dollars.

And anyone who feels that regulating abortion and birth control is okay, but oppose the ACA needs to admit that they are contradicting themselves. Because you can’t tell everyone that it’s wrong for the government to control healthcare for everyone because we should all have a choice in our own healthcare decisions, but that it’s okay for the government (local or federal) to control the access to birth control - which in my opinion is a healthcare decision that could potentially eliminate the need/want for abortions. One form of government control is not better than another even if you disguise it as a moral issue.

Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, you’re both right as long as you understand that – morally – abortion is exterminating a HUMAN life. But also know that we have been conditioned to gradually tolerate the unthinkable until we eventually celebrate it.

Killing an unborn child is nothing to celebrate, remember that; but neither is forcing a woman to bring an unwanted child into the world to potentially be mistreated and abused because she didn’t choose to give the child up for adoption (another system that is flawed). It’s a Catch 22.

And even still, I am pro-choice for all the women who feel they need to have that as a backup plan.

My vote is to keep the government and everyone else out of our personal decisions – including healthcare, abortion and birth control.

PS: I can see everyone frantically Googling to Fact Check anything I am saying right now, so let me stop you from making the unnecessary expenditure of energy by clarifying that this is MY OPINION and nothing more. You are free to feel and think as you wish. If I'm wrong about the birth control issue, I'm sure that I'll see it in the news or scrolling across my newsfeed one day.

I don't feel that they do most abortions like this nowadays,
but for context, this is a D&E just after the 1st trimester
and you can clearly see that is a baby & not a clump
of cells. 

That's right, I'm turning 45 next month, bitches

I’m going to be 45 this year.

And by no means am I ‘aging gracefully’ – whatever that means.  

It’s not like I’m fighting getting older (anymore), but I think I’ve given the thought of aging a lot less importance in my life.

I’m a not as neurotic about the fact that I’m one year closer to 50 … and several years further from the wrinkle-free years (I wasted on dating guys who were not Gerard Butler). I guess I’ve come to terms with my age (and not dating Gerard Butler), along with the changes it brought (like pre-menopause & readers); and now I just exist in this zen-like, ‘awake’ place floating above it all. It’s like I can tow the lines of maturity, experience and youth at the same time now.

It’s quite liberating and a little surreal …

Juuuuuuuust kidding.

I’m crashing into 45 this year like a bull in a China shop. Full speed ahead. Literally.

Because although I’ve always said I lived life by the seat of my pants and every day was a bit of a surprise, 44 was really the year I kind of just said, “f*ck it, this is what’s happening right now.” 

Obviously, I wouldn’t let go of the wheel until I was for sure that Jesus had my back with that emergency break. But my life isn’t together, my grays are out of control, spot-shaving has become an art and I’ve discovered pastel florals and a taste for sugarless coffee.

However, I don’t fixate on those things while trying to navigate that “line between maturity and youth” - which is a phrase I didn’t make up. I either heard or read it somewhere.  It sounds so poetically profound, though, right? But it basically just means I’m immature until I need to step up and be a grown up.

To be honest, I’m just amazed that I’ve raised a 20 year-old human and also still have the same boyfriend I met on Tinder a few years ago.  It’s the important things, right?

Every birthday after 40 used to be a time of self-reflection for me. What have I learned? What don’t I care about anymore? What are my goals and is blogging about them going to make me any more accountable and successful in achieving them? (The answer to that is no, by the way.) Are people really interested in stories about my ex? (Turns out, yes, they are, but I digress.) Does anyone even really care about my gut issues and love/hate relationship with fitness?

Am I really self-reflecting about self-reflecting right now?

Honestly, I don’t really spend much time reflecting on the past anymore. If there’s something I set out to do and I didn’t do it, it wasn’t that important. And as long as the important things get done, that’s all that matters.

Looking back at shoulda-, woulda-, coulda-beens is counter-productive. Actually, I have identified a LOT of things that are counter-productive - the main one being social media.

One of my favorite quotes from Warren Buffet is:

“It can be far too easy to get side-tracked from your own vision when you consume yourself with everyone else’s.”

On social media, it’s super easy to watch and get sucked into what everyone else is doing. There’s no getting online for just a few minutes - before I knew it, I’ve wasted  too many of my own minutes living other people’s lives through my newsfeed.

Or I’d get sucked into browsing special interest pages and groups and it would discourage me from my own creativity and suck my confidence dry.

Then there are the political post debates that I get trapped into trolling because sometimes a girl’s just gotta have fun, ya know? And I’m not online to try and change anyone’s minds as much as I’m there to blow minds.

I don’t know with what yet, it just sounded bad ass to type that out, so I rolled with it.

Anyway, it’s a time-thief and even though I’m still on social media I don’t waste the amount of time I used to anymore.

I just stopped. I’ve unfollowed or left groups that kept me glued to my social media feeds and

only joined or followed ones that served a purpose to me. It’s not personal to anyone or any group in particular, but it is personal to me that I get rid of the distractions that keep me from living my best life and doing the best I can at what I do. It’s no one’s fault - social media is addictive.

It’s not an apology.

I have a beautiful, smart kid, a hot Alpha boyfriend who adores me, parents who love seeing me everyday, brothers that keep me grounded and great friends (and client friends) who support and encourage me everyday. Life may not really be short, but if you spend it talking at things instead of to your people, before you know it, that time is gone and so are your people.

If you want to know what’s both liberating and empowering, it’s logging off technology and being present in your own life. Something I feel like I haven’t been as much of until this last year … I mean, if I were to self-reflect.  

What do I have more time for now? Well, for starters, I have more time to write. I’ve delved into personal projects like prop-making, creative photography, art and even having real life conversations with real people.

Still don’t have the time to start working out again, though, now that I work 7-days a week for the busiest time of my year, but I’m sure I will get there. But I’m not sorry about that nor do I feel like I’ve fallen off a wagon of any kind.

And if social media has driven anything as hard, it has to be the fitness and body-shaming posts. It’s not healthy for anyone regardless of gender or age to feel like they are worthless or not living their best life if they don’t look, eat and workout a certain way and by anyone else’s standards.

Even as I say that, I’m looking at the 15 pounds I’ve gained since I stopped going to the gym and have been semi-self-conscious about for a few months. Like, my boobs look amazing right now and the fat smoothed out the wrinkles in my face, but I’m living in jeggings, leggings and anything stretch right now like a basic bitch with my Spanx shapers.  

I just need Ugg boots and a Starbucks coffee to complete my look.

But, I digress.

I guess 45 is going to be the start of my  “I don’t give a s**t” years.

And I’m okay with that.

Get Your Own: Learn to Let Go of Your Past & Move On

Actual post from said Facebook friend who shall not be named
to protect her privacy, but it starts and ends with an A. 

I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say, it’s just the opposite: I have SO MUCH to say. Every time I sit down to write, I get distracted by life and never finish my thoughts. There’s always work, family, dishes, laundry … It’s like having responsible ADD.  

A few days ago, I hopped on Facebook and saw a friend had posted this status update:

“Ladies: If he is married or has a girlfriend, he is OFF LIMITS! In 2018, don’t text or flirt with a man who is already taken.”

First of all, I don’t care what year it is, don’t go after someone else’s relationship. If God had wanted you to have it, you wouldn’t have to take it from someone else.

Anyway, I agreed with the post but pointed out that it’s not just about the other girl:

The taken or married guy should probably step up and respect his relationship by telling these single ladies who contact him (or maybe they aren’t single either …) that he’s taken and then discourage future communication/conversation. Because if we have to be honest, the kind of girls that will text/call/ sext men who are married or in a relationship, generally don’t stop because a guy says no.

They just step up to the challenge.

Because then it becomes a game: How To Get Someone Else’s Guy In 10 Days (give or take).

A while back, a guy I was dating would get text messages from his ex(es). He said they would randomly text or try to call, but he never text or called them back. He didn’t hide it; it was matter of fact. But that didn’t make me any less curious about why these girls (a few of them married and in relationships themselves) felt the need to contact him or why, if my boyfriend didn’t want to hear from them, didn’t he tell them he was taken or just block their numbers?

Then I had this epiphany: I had also received texts and FB messages from exes at times. These were guys that 'did me dirty.’  Most were messages apologizing for being a douchebag, followed by feelers for a ‘re-do’ or even a booty call in case I was single and lonely. At first, I told them I was in a relationship and wasn’t interested. But they persisted to the point that I just stopped responding. But I didn’t block them right away.

Because - being totally honest - it felt good to tell these guys I once liked and wanted to be with, that I had moved on. It felt good to see (read) them persisting in the same way I kept trying to make a ‘relationship’ with them work when we were together.

And it felt fan-freakin-tastic to tell them NO and then ignore their subsequent messages - and send screens to my BFF so we can gloat (I deserve that much). I felt like they finally knew what it was like to be in my shoes – wanting to be with or talk to someone they couldn’t have and had no interest in them.   

It was a boost to my confidence to know they still thought about me - in any capacity.

Until one day, I had another epiphany: I didn’t care about those messages or what those guys thought of me as much as I cared about the guy I was dating. I blocked all the numbers and deleted every message string and voicemail … and moved on. Because in entertaining my exes, I had left a door open to the past that part of me continued to live in with every text. So those memories, feelings and emotions were always there – anger, sadness, resentment but mostly pettiness – which kept me from fully committing to the relationship I was in at that time.

Letting go was liberating and scary at the same time.  Because at that point, I had truly moved on with my life and knew I no longer had the option to call on my past for anything going forward. I mean, I could still refer to it … but those feelings and emotions were no longer a crutch.

What I’m trying to say is that I can understand how it feels to get that affirmation so long after getting dumped/cheated on (even well into a new, successful relationship) that I am able to tolerate it with a significant other – for a limited amount of time, that is … When it happens repeatedly, it becomes an issue.

Because those triflin’ b****es are not texting their exes without reason or motive.

• They still have feelings
• They heard or stalked social media and see he has someone new
• They want to re-open the connection
• They can’t let go
• They are whores

Even exes who are in relationships or are married can’t let go sometimes. But unless they share kids, there’s really no reason to keep in touch with an ex.

And single girls who text guys whom they know are taken or are married?

• Because that guy shows he’s willing to commit – never mind that they are trying to get that guy who is already committed to break it off, which would only serve to prove how shallow that commitment is in the face of temptation.
• He's been vetted – someone married him, so he must be a great guy. It’s like that saying, “All the good ones are taken …” and then set out to take him.
• Because they can

Why don’t guys put a clean stop to it right away?  

• They like the attention
• Ego boost
• If it’s an ex: Residual feelings about how the relationship ended. If they were cheated on, or dumped harshly, this is like validation.

Guys like to say they just ignore it as a way to say it means nothing to them. Plus replying would only encourage conversation/communication. But ignoring it isn’t telling someone NO or I’M TAKEN or PLEASE DON’T TEXT MY LIFE ANYMORE. It’s just telling them NOT RIGHT NOW. By ignoring it from the beginning, they are encouraging it. It's keeping an option open.

Ladies, listen:

• Going after someone else’s guy is not a challenge, it reeks of desperation and wanting someone else’s sloppy seconds. He didn’t choose you first. Remember that. 
• If he will leave a committed relationship for you, that means there is potential for him to leave you for someone else.

 Dudes, check it:

• The grass is green where you water it. 
• Respect your relationship or break it off first.
• Do you really need to hear from your exes if you don’t have kids together? 
• Needing attention from more than your significant other is weak and a sign of low self-esteem and it's not attractive - to anyone. 

 Just know that I have not one shred of patience for this behavior and – in the words of my 20 year old daughter – will come for someone’s life if they try to take something important from mine.

But THAT said, I also can't make someone want to stay with me if they decide to take an ex or a single lady up on the business. I'll cut them out .... because karma says they'll be hitting me up again real soon after with their regrets.  *shrugs*

We're Doing Relationships Wrong

I’m not a relationship guru – far from it, in fact. As far as my own relationships, I don’t even pretend to know what I’m doing anymore. I’m a year into a relationship now and will admit that I’m kinda flying by the seat of my pants with no belt.  It’s by no means the longest relationship I’ve been in, but in today’s growing hook up culture, making it to a year with the same person is a milestone. 

But, that said, I know what might be working for us, probably won’t work for everyone else, so I don’t presume to tell anyone else how to make his or her relationship work ... anymore. Really, no one else can, either. Because we are all different and each relationship has it’s own dynamic. 

However, that doesn’t stop us from advising our friends and social media circles, does it? Whether through memes, status updates, or articles and blogs, we are always quick to offer advice. Which can go only one of two ways: it works, or they get dumped.

If they get dumped, we say their ex was an asshole anyway and a favor was done for them. But if it works, we obvs take the credit and immediately add relationship expert level 1000 to our online life-coaching resume and promptly start dispensing even more advice – solicited or not – through our social media timelines and feeds. Most likely both.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit I dig getting to advise people based on my own experience of trial and error. I don’t like to brag – actually, yes, I do like to brag, and my advice is 95 percent on point. I’m just better with your life than my own. But I’m not here to recite my resume of “I told you so” moments as proof. 

I’m only here to point out what we all probably know about modern relationships and how we are doing them wrong. So, pay attention, because I don’t like repeating myself:  

Tech and Social Media
We pretty much live each day one right swipe away from a break up. Technology and social media keeps us connected to instant opportunity and gratification – all the time. It distracts us from committing to what we have by convincing us to believe we might be missing out on something better.

So, we date with one eye on our phones and one foot propping the door just in case we need to make a quick exit.

Not only that, technology and social platforms have taken our ability to really connect with someone emotionally by allowing us to pretend to be ‘personal’ in impersonal ways. We text, message, snap and swipe. We sit next to each other, but talk to other people. We’re living together but sharing our lives with everyone else. We’re more disconnected even though this tech is designed to keep us connected. We have entire relationships – as short-lived as they are – without ever having to actually talk and get to know someone past what we know through their online profiles. 

Easy Sex
Let me start by saying I’m a little old fashioned. I don’t believe that women were created to be equal to men. I believe men and women were created to complement and complete each other. But, the modern woman is independent, doesn't need a man and has a right to satisfy needs without having to justify her actions. Saying that, there is a double standard when it comes to sex. 

Women are so proud to call themselves sexually liberated these days, being DTF with NSA and open to FWB. But the consequence of that is since men can get sex without any type of emotional investment or time, they don’t have to worry about committing to a relationship of any length or even marriage. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” 

By no means am I advocating celibacy for anyone – except my daughter who is no doubt reading this right now. I am saying women today sling their lady business around like it’s a freakin free meal, call it being sexually liberated, then complain about men who take what they are offered and leave when they are done.

Free Porn
I once dated a guy who was addicted to porn. Maybe I should’ve realized it when I saw his phone lock screen showcased three asses stacked on top of each other but I honestly mistook them for those yummy yeast rolls at the Golden Corral. What’s more – each of those asses had a name and he knew which was which – get this – by the shape and texture. THE TEXTURE. I can’t make this up if I tried. 

For the record, porn is not a sexual aid, nor is it a healthy past-time for couples or even single people. Porn tries to teach us that cheating is okay, that women like to be used for someone else’s pleasure and also love to watch their man giving another woman the business. Porn has desensitized men and women to healthy sex by corrupting their views on what it means to be emotionally intimate with another person by promoting unrealistic sexual situations and body types. It affects the pleasure center in the brain and skews what it takes for a person to get aroused, preventing men and women from being able to make that emotionally intimate connection.

That’s just the Cliff’s notes.

“Look Ma, No Hands”
I recently had a convo with a married friend who said that if her hubs cheated, it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. Her reason? Sex doesn’t mean a betrayal of the heart, it could just be they need to find something that is missing from the relationship.

Like what? An STD? Um, GTFO with that nonsense. If my man puts his penis in another vagina, he not only becomes a health hazard, he becomes a single man. But I know what she’s saying – sex can just be sex, but carrying on something more can become a relationship.

Again, technology and social applications keep doors to instantly gratifying opportunity open, allowing people to foster pseudo-relationships on the down-low – or in plain view. People think flirting, sharing sex jokes, offering compliments and confiding in someone other than their partner - and calling them a friend – is not cheating because there is no physical intimacy.

But there’s only so many times you can hear “omg, they’re friends, like family” before you gotta ask, “is it normal for family to send nudes to each other?” #askingforafriend.

The point is, doing this takes away attention, emotional confidence, communication, trust, loyalty and closeness – essentially starving the relationship - because those needs are being met elsewhere.

Baggage
People use their past experiences to validate how they treat their current relationship. Some place restrictions on the level of commitment hoping to mitigate future disaster or even karma from finding them. Others use their past to justify treating someone as bad as they were by someone else - like it’s an entitlement.

So, not only are they setting it up to fail from the beginning, they are essentially punishing someone who hasn’t done anything wrong for the bullshit someone else did. And then they actually explain it just like this to whomever they are dating because sadism.

No experience gives anyone the right to be an asshole to someone that doesn’t deserve it and the best way to make up for being an asshole is to not be a future asshole. Duh. Common Sense 101.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Everyone says absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that’s a bunch of bull and crap, especially in today’s hook up/break up relationship culture. It’s more like out of sight, out of mind. When couples are apart, it’s like the relationship is no longer a priority above a closer Tinder match.They basically act like they are single – hanging out in bars or clubs with the girls or guys and justifying it as living their life, they aren’t doing anything wrong, it’s just fun. But doing those things fosters insecurity in the relationship, which leads to jealousy and petty arguments until someone leaves the toilet seat up and that’s the last straw.

Too Much Too Soon
Then there are ‘couples’who hit the ground running: they try to turn a hook up into a long-term relationship. They want all the maturity and emotional connection in a relationship that’s usually built up over time to happen within a few weeks. So, in the effort to make that happen, they suffocate the relationship until it fails because no one likes to have someone living in their butthole 24/7/365.

Expectation versus Reality
I met a guy after my first divorce. We dated for a few months and I expected we were destined for long-term. But, alas, the reality was he’d only been looking for a good time and accidentally let it go too far. I didn’t even have a clue otherwise until he replaced me in his top 8 on MySpace with his ex-girlfriend. 

It didn’t occur to me to say anything about my expectations in the beginning. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with me forever, right? Except for both my ex-husbands and all the guys that dumped me … nevermind. 

The point is, everyone wants that epic relationship – you know, the one advertised by people we don't know on social media. And they play this game where they hide their true intentions so that the other person will give it a chance. When that doesn't work, they try to change someone else to be who they want or change themselves to be who they think the other person wants. 


Guilty on that last one. For the record, I am not into bodybuilding or sports and my fave movie is not Point Break. 

Lack of Communication
We don’t talk anymore. We text. And even then, we casually skirt the issues we don’t want to address because it’s easier to pretend they don’t exist. You know, just in case they work themselves out over time. But what ends up happening is that they fester like an open wound until all it takes is one dumbass argument about a toilet seat being left up and it all implodes. Poof.

Minimum Effort
Relationships aren’t self-maintaining. They take work. But when the going gets rough, old or hits a bump, it’s easier to cut and run or use those issues to justify looking for a distraction or even a replacement as an easier solution than actually resolving problems and growing as a couple. 

Most people nowadays like the idea of being in a relationship, but not the reality. Everyone wants to be free to do what he or she wants to do all the time without obligation or consequence and also be with someone who will put up with that shit. Relationships are built on communication, trust, respect, commitment and love, and the ability of both partners to actively work towards building a future together. But no one wants to put in the work because “life is too short to waste time because maybe there is someone more perfect for me out there who won't be as much work.”


Take it from me, someone who basically has a Master’s in Being Single, Dating and in Relationships from the School of Hard Knocks after 12 years. I am basically telling everyone what they already know.