Brazilian Butt Lift jeans - all the results without the work

My boyfriend likes big butts. 

I’m talking luscious, Brazilian, porn star booty. God didn’t see fit to give me one of those or boobs any bigger than AA batteries (except when I was pregnant and then I had major ass and watermelon tits). He (or She) gave me everything else that adds up to “girl with a great personality” which, lucky for me, the boyfriend appreciates. But what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t at least try to non-surgically augment my assets for the boyfriend’s viewing pleasure? (Rhetorical question, folks.)

You don’t get a great ass by sitting on it, so I knew that I’d have to step-up my workout (okay fine - start a workout). According to Gilad’s Total Body Sculpt, I learned that lunges, squats and running in place help to sculpt the rear to a more desirable shape. So, I majored in the 30 minute workout program with a focus on glutes. After a few weeks of lunging and squatting and running, I noticed that I was losing mass in my ass but it was not perking up at all. I needed a Plan B which came in the form of an infomercial.

So, there I was in my living room, with the Brazilian Butt Lift workout CDs. Leandro Carvalho not only speaks with an unintelligible accent, making it hard to understand his running commentary, but his swiveling hips, stretchy shorts, bright colors and fanny pack only distracted and confused me. Plus, no one told me I had to have a pre-requisite in South American dance to follow the routines. It’s like that one time I bought MTV’s The Grind Workout video in an attempt to make working out less boring (Eric Nies in a tank top = hot). That ended with a broken coffee table and a twisted ankle due to choreography that was obviously for the experienced dancer.

Then, I was in a store in Austin two weeks ago and I found a magical pair of jeans. The Brazilian Butt Lift jean gives anyone the appearance of having a juicy booty without actually having been born with one – or work for one. Of course, I had to try on a pair for myself. So, I did.

Wow …

My booty popped in them. They lifted and sculpted (without padding, BTW) my butt into ass-clapping, Brazilian fabulousness – and without surgery! I wanted them – bad. But, with a $90 price tag, I had to walk away, much like I walked away from breast implant surgery and a nose job. Because, even though the price for the jeans would be worth it, I’d have to buy shirts and shoes to go with it adding to the price of my purchase. It’s like buying boobs - $4,000 ends up being almost $5,000 when you consider new bras and shirts to fit the chest expansion. But … how could I compare a few thousand to a little over a hundred? Right?

Sadly, I didn’t buy those magical, butt-lifting jeans that day and when I got home, I tried on my existing inventory of jeans. What I found was if I stood with my back slightly arched, I could give the appearance of having a phat booty – from the side. Painful and it required some work, but it was less expensive than the alternative.

Sigh. I think I’ll just stick to my personality. It takes almost no effort whatsoever to be this awesome. Besides, I’m absolutely positive that the bigger the ass, the more it will sag as it ages. So, mine will look exactly the same 20 years from now while those lucky enough to have a juicy booty will watch gravity pull it to the back of their knees.