Tan lines are an unnecessary and avoidable failure in skin grooming that man has convinced the more impressionable female population into thinking are sexy based what they’ve grown accustomed to from watching porn. I’ve never liked tan lines; all they do is call attention to the problem areas of my body (read, tits and ass) that I dress up with clothes and lingerie. I’m a lot less impressionable. Nothing is less sexy to me than being in an intimate situation with dimmed lights and noticing my less than perfect, been through pregnancy, boobs and butt are glowing neon-white in the dark. So, if I’m going to tan, I’m going to tan all-over. That’s why man invented tanning beds. Skin cancer warnings aside, if I’m going to get the disease, it’s not going to be from tanning in patches – I’m going out with a bang-up, awesome, all-over tan that rivals that of any professional adult model, actor or dancer.
On a whole, though, I don’t care to be tan. Since the birth of The Daughter, 13 years ago, I sustained a massive amount of stretch marks from “eating for two” which have since turned white. Stretch marks do not tan. Tanning only magnifies the white lines that have made my lower abdomen their home (forever, unless the day someone comes up with a tummy tuck procedure that doesn’t leave a scar). When I’m white, it all blends. So, when you see me at the beach, covered head to toe with a floppy hat, long skirt and linen shirt, looking like a walking ad for a feminine hygiene product, it’s not because I’m worried about prematurely shriveling like a raisin. I’m just making sure my body is a consistent, pasty olive tone to camouflage my stretch marks so the lights can be on during intimate moments.
Saying that, sometimes when you’re dating someone, you do things that you normally wouldn’t do just to impress or prove you’re flexible on what you’re willing to do to remain a sexy chick in their eyes. It’s like when you all of a sudden stock up on the hottest thongs, even though you don’t like the feel of floss chafing your crack. Do not even pretend for a minute any one of you hasn’t reinvented your wardrobe to include items that you know your “crush” specifically likes. It’s all part of the ‘mating’ game. I’ve been guilty of taken taking it one step further – I don’t do anything halfway.
My boyfriend, like most men, digs a good, pornstar-style tanline. It was one of the first things I learned about him in the beginning months of dating.
“It’s like being able to see something I am not supposed to be seeing and that’s sexy,” he said. Like invisible lingerie. Note that if I’m showing my goodies to you, you’re definitely supposed to be seeing them. And sporting tan lines aren’t an attempt by me to hide any of that – real panties and a bra would be.
That was in the same conversation where I learned about his fascination with big, juicy, Brazilian booty and his infatuation with Flower Tucci, an adult film star who possessed an ass (and just her ass) that measured in at a magnificent 47 inches – that was intimidating. If my ass ever got that big, the rest of me would be just as big, and I guarantee my boyfriend would not like that as much as what he has now, because with strategic wardrobe choices, I have made him believe that I have a phat ass and decent cleavage.
But getting back to the tan lines …
The Boyfriend is in the military and he goes away for a few weeks at a time, camping with his co-workers. One summer, when he was going to be camping for longer than two weeks, I decided I would surprise him with tan lines. But, I didn’t want to pay for the daily visits to the salon d’tan because a) at $7 a pop, it gets expensive and I had bills to pay that contributed to keeping a roof over my head and my utilities on and b) the teenage girls that work there always make me feel like I’m not young enough to be in an establishment they clearly attributed to others their own age and hot men (who may or may not be gay or men dating older women like me). Spray tanning was not an option, I didn’t like smelling like a bag of chips. So, I donned my trusty bikini and started laying out at my friend’s apartment pool every day. After a week, I noticed I had a definite tan line around the bikini I had chosen to wear, which had full butt coverage. What anyone would find sexy about a big, white butt is beyond me. Which got me thinking, am I doing this right? Who cares, my boyfriend likes it and that’s all that matters.
Later that week, friends had a pool party and I went – this time wearing a boy short two-piece. I was skeptical at first, because I didn’t want mismatching tan lines. But I did it anyway because there were going to be a lot of people there who probably didn’t want to see my stretch marks. By the end of the day, even though I was purposely avoiding the sun, I noticed that I still caught enough sun to bake another set of tan lines over the ones I already had. Now, the coverage area of my bottoms had spread and, I imagine, only made my butt look bigger. This called for some corrective tanning techniques. That meant I was going to have to pay for tanning sessions to try and even out the color.
Don’t ever do this. It’s not like the rest of you will automatically not tan because it knows what you’re doing. The dark gets darker and the light doesn’t catch up that fast. At the end of the first week and a half, I had two different tan lines and enough color on my tummy to magnify the legion of stretch marks I didn’t want attention called to. To make matters worse, I decided to join friends at the beach the following weekend and chose to wear a one-piece suit. By the time my boyfriend came back from his camping trip, I had almost impressively collected three separate tan lines – including a line from the tag on one of my bottoms that I didn’t tuck in, that reached a little ways up my lower back. Sexy.
“I wasn’t sure which set of tan lines you would like, so I got all three,” I remember telling him.
He appreciated the effort, but was quick to point out that the tan lines he was referring to weren’t real bikini lines. Most models and porn-stars sport the lines of thong bottoms and tiny triangle cups on their boobs that let you know they either live in Brazil or have access to a rooftop/private beach that allows them to tan in lingerie. He also said that the half moon area that sometimes doesn’t tan under the butt was sexy, too – it means the owner of that particular tan line has a juicy booty. I always thought it was tacky. Seriously.
I don’t regret doing it. I feel I made an honest effort in showing an interest in something The Boyfriend likes, which is important in relationships. If I ever did it again, I would probably choose the tanning salon and the correct porn-star wardrobe so that I could get it right. Because just like I don’t do anything halfway, I try not to do anything half-assed either.
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