I don’t
think about my ex so much these days. But every so often, I see something that
reminds me of him. Like this:
 |
| Internet meme about the iPhone 6 Plus posted on Facebook by a friend. |
It seems
like a cheap shot to the size of my ex’s junk; but it only reminded me of the
time he lied about his size to try and get work with a film company.
An adult
film company.
People, I
can’t make this stuff up. How I found out about it was a complete accident. It
was one of the few occasions when I wasn’t looking for anything and it just
popped up – figuratively speaking, of course.
Maybe it
shouldn’t have been such a surprise since he loved porn. He loved it enough
that he thought sending me a box of naughty porny things was an appropriate
representation of his love for me. I digress.
So, there we
were during Super Bowl 2013 at a small restaurant with some friends. I had
already broken things off with my ex and made plans to move back to North
Carolina and start over. He was in full, “I want you back” mode, which meant he
not only let me hold his iPhone for him, but when my phone died, mid-game, I
was also allowed to use it to text my friends back home and browse the web.
Like I said,
we were already broken up, so I didn’t feel the need to snoop or look for
closure. This was his way of proving he’d changed by allowing me the
opportunity to pick apart his pictures and messages; because I wouldn’t find
anything except programmed bicep workouts, texts from his bros and photos of me and
him.
I wasn’t
interested, though, so I kept to the web, Facebooking and Tweeting randomly.
Until his phone shut the Internet down and I accidentally clicked his email
icon instead of Safari.
From producer@adultfilmco.com
To idiotwithacellphone@gmail.com
To idiotwithacellphone@gmail.com
Subject: RE:
Casting
Thank you
for applying to our casting. We received your photos and are very interested in
your look and think you have potential. Can you provide some information as to
when you will return to (name of state) so that we can schedule an in person
audition?
We look
forward to hearing from you.
(No need for
names)
___________________________________________________________________
From idiotwithacellphone@gmail.com
To producer@adultfilmco.com
To producer@adultfilmco.com
Subject: Casting
Hi, my name
is (no need for names here) an I’m very interested in tryng out to do films for
youre company. Im getting ready to mov back to (name of state) and curious to
see what I can do in films.
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 190
lbs
Tattoos: yes
Build:
muscular and athletic
Penis size:
6.5”
I have
included two pictures including an early morning junk shot selfie so you can
get an idea of what it looks like. I think I bring a lot to the table for this industry. I'm curious.
Thank you
for your time.
(no need for
names)
I fought the
urge to laugh out loud.
 |
| How I felt on the inside even though I maintained a calm outer demeanor. |
And why didn’t
they ask him to grade his performance in such naughty time activities? Or ask
for references? I wanted to be a reference. I’m no size queen, and I wouldn’t
have taken the opportunity to degrade his size or performance, but how much
funnier would this blog entry have been if I could say I gave my ex a reference
for his career in porn?
Seriously,
HOW MUCH FUNNIER?
I never said a word to him about it. However, during one of our last conversations as he was moving his stuff out of my apartment, he brought up his future job opportunities. I couldn’t help but offer that porn could be an option for him, since he liked that and women so much.
I never said a word to him about it. However, during one of our last conversations as he was moving his stuff out of my apartment, he brought up his future job opportunities. I couldn’t help but offer that porn could be an option for him, since he liked that and women so much.
He said he
just might …
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