Online Shopping Fail

www.Samiedress.com

My daughter has discovered the Asian wholesale market for clothes. The few items I have ordered for her have fit perfect and look cute on her –but then, she’s built like a supermodel.

Me … not so much.

Thanks to CrossFit, I’m built like a mini-linebacker. It’s not traditionally cute, but I’m solid and get to use hashtags like ‘thick thighs save lives,’ ‘gains’ and ‘baby got back;’ which make all my phat pictures #instafunny.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with looking strong. Being able to intimidate my daughter’s dude friends is life. However, the bulk in my back, legs and ass makes it difficult to find clothes that don’t make me look like a garden gnome. Shopping as a size 9 with my height and current shape is not as easy as it was when I was a size 5/6.  So, I don’t do it often, preferring to live in leggings and superhero t-shirts.

Recently, I agreed to be a friend’s date for a formal, and needed a dress. Not just any dress, but it had to be perfect, one of a kind, minimize the size of my back, traps and shoulders, add 4 inches to my height, smooth my lumps, and make me look like I walked out of the pages of a fashion magazine.

What? Don’t act like any of you don’t expect that much out of a dress – or any layered outfit. I see you, basics, and raise you two pairs of UGGs-ly boots, an over-sized infinity scarf and $12 latte. 

However, I was actually looking forward to dressing up for one night. The challenge would be to find something that flattered and flaunted my ‘curves,’ and was not all black and made of entirely of spanx. Not as easy as it sounds.

I just want to look like me, but not like me. Is that too much to ask? 

In the time leading up to the formal, I made my rounds through all the department stores at the mall and didn’t fall in love with anything. But since I had to have something to wear, I eventually settled on a red, flowy dress with crystal bling detail around a high neckline. Although, it might be a little too short for a formal.

YOLO.

You would think after buying the dress, I’d be done. But I wasn’t happy with it, so I left my options open just in case another dress decided to walk through that door.

As luck would have it, another one did.

So, there I was online, scrolling through my newsfeed when – lo and behold – the dress of my Once Upon A Time dreams appeared in an ad for SammieDress. It was lace, red and so perfect I knew I had to have it! And – bonus – it was only $12.

I clicked on the link to the site and checked the reviews – all good. My only concern on closer inspection of the photo was that I’d have trouble with the material fitting across my shoulders and gathering on either side of my traps. It did have a deep, lace V-bodice, but I don’t really have enough cleavage to offend anyone.

While looking at the size chart, making sure I ordered the correct size, I saw a similar dress with a more modest top that I knew would look amazing on my daughter. For a split few minutes, I pictured the both of us wearing our matching red dresses during a mommy-daughter photo session. It was beautiful and just as inexpensive. 

I ordered both dresses and paid for expedited shipping (roughly 7-14 days) so I would have it in time for the formal.

One month later, the dresses arrived.

I was so excited. Not only would I have an original dress for the formal, but I was already planning a photo session for me and my daughter with our matching dresses. But my excitement quickly turned into confusion ... and then disappointment once I opened the package.

These were not the dresses I ordered. And since there are no words to adequately describe what I ordered versus what I received, I'm just going to leave these photos here.

Beautiful, right? That's what I thought. I could
just imagine floating into the formal like a
princess, with a flared hem original. 

What. In. The. Actual. Frick. It looks like
they sewed a lace tablecloth into two
aprons and then attached both sides.
Don't zoom in, it's No-Shave
November. Thanks.

Boo. 

I went back to the web site to make sure there wasn't a disclaimer under the dress stating I might receive anything other than what I purchased. And although there was no small print to say anything like that, there were now photos of two other girls wearing the same dress I bought. None looked like the photo, however both girls were actually happy with the dress even though it was not pretty. 

Good for them. 

There is a money-back guarantee, but I would have to return the item. Since shipping was more than the price of the dresses, I decided not to send them back. I will say this: their customer service skills are better than any sales person I've had to deal with locally. So, I left an honest review on their site and the dress is now hanging in my closet, waiting for a craft project that will no doubt require the shredding of said dress. 

At least I have the dress from JC Penney. Now I just need to find a make-up artist who can make me look like a 20 years younger supermodel. I wonder if SammieDress has any of those ...