Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

"Don't mess with the pretty things, they'll make you do stupid things," ~ me

Here I am on the eve of yet another birthday – in five days, I will be 42. I haven’t really given it much thought except to silently hope that no one remembers. Because the barrage of birthday wishes through text, phone calls and social media posts (although appreciated) just serve as a reminder that I’m getting older.

Like everyone’s concerned I’ll forget my own birthday.  

I won’t. Promise.

Every year, I get a new wrinkle and although my daughter assures me I don’t look my age, I know that one day, I will. It’s just a matter of time before I tumble out of what the kids are calling MILF status  - and land on Golden Girl status.

That’s the age at which you’re funny and likeable, but not considered sexy and desirable. So, if I’m still single by that time, I’ll probably be single forever. Because while it’s funny to have a shirt that says Dorothy in the Streets, Blanche in the Sheets, no one actually wants to have sex with a ‘Blanche.’ 

#thisIs42

However, I did happen across an article from 2014 called “In Praise of the 42-year Old Woman”

written by Tom Junod for Esquire Magazine. In it, he declares women of this certain age (not younger, not older) to be the sexiest of any women, although we have to work harder to achieve that status.

His points of reference for his article are mostly actresses of a certain age – those who are 42 or younger who are still being cast as younger women because they won the genetic lottery. He then assures all of us that this will be our last year of being desirable. 

So, he gives us older women a compliment, but with the back of his hand.

Ouch.

Well, not surprisingly, his article caused a defensive uproar with women. They declared the article sexist – as if women needed a man to validate and extend their shelf life. He made a few valid points regarding how much harder women seem to work to retain or regain their youth as they get older. Botox, joining fitness groups, expensive wrinkle creams … and to keep our appeal, we need to be funny and in shape.

I mean, round IS a shape … right? See what I did there? I also CrossFit, so …  I have the “funny and in shape” part down.  I digress.

Being sexy doesn’t peak at 42 and stop at 43. As a matter of fact, although it’s nice to feel sexy, at this point, I just want to be the best version of myself. Not because I want to snag a man, but because “you really can’t love someone else until you love yourself.”  I do love myself, who I am, everything I’ve done, including the stupid things, and who I am becoming. It’s kind of an exciting time for me – a far cry from my anxiety over turning 40 and the years up until then trying to figure out which version of me was the most likeable and popular.

Because who the f*** cares what someone else thinks? They aren’t living my life. I found my

confidence in being myself.

And at the core of Junod’s article, I think what he was trying to say is women of a certain age have a wisdom and confidence you only get with experience and that is very attractive.  

If he would have stopped there, I don’t think anyone would have been offended. Because then he went on to say that after 42, you just get old and all the efforts of a single, older woman to better or preserve herself just look like desperation. But that as the median age “keeps advancing, we have no choice but to keep redefining youth.” 

So maybe the age of 'the new sexy' will be 50 one day?

That’s a load of bull and crap. No one has the right to define anything other than what pertains to his or herself. I’ve always known that, but I don’t think I have always believed or lived by that truth. If I knew then how my life would turn out, maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be someone else for everyone else for as long as I did.

Aside from time wasted, I don’t have many regrets. But if I could go back in time to give my younger self a few pointers, I would. What would I say? Nothing I didn't already know, but maybe just remind me of my own self worth.

• Get off the social media. Life is what’s happening when you are watching everyone else’s scrolling through your newsfeed. Besides, no one needs to know everything you are doing when you are doing it.

• Leggings - get some. You’re welcome.

• Fitness - do it. Also, you’re welcome.

• Wrinkle creams – save your money. Thank you.

• Mom and dad are right. About everything.

• Don’t get a credit card until you are responsible and mature enough to know how to use one.

• Stop with the anorexia and bulimia – guys like a big butt and a smile. Or they will in the year 2015. Plus, it will put hair on your ass – literally. And yellow your teeth and you will lose muscle.

• When you’re preggers, your baby isn’t absorbing the extra food you’re eating.  Your ass is, though. So, eat healthy and responsibly. Trust me on this one.

• Take a second look at the less obvious guy, but don’t lower your standards – those two guys turned out to be MARRIED.

• Do not take professional photos of any guy you are dating – those will end up on their dating profiles - while they are dating you.  Or show up on their new girlfriend’s Twitter feed with the hashtag #MCM.

• Don’t be defined by a relationship. It’s okay to be single.

• Sometimes it’s okay not to give second chances – and thirds and fourths. Just say no.

• As long as you have a working vagina, you will always be sexy at any age – to someone just looking for some ass. But if you are true to yourself, have core morals and values, and respect yourself – then you will be happy with yourself and that will attract not only assholes, but also some great guys who can appreciate a good girl. 

• But if being sexy is a thing for you … you’re a Scorpio. You’re always going to be sexy … at least online anyway.

• You’re going to spend so much time with your daughter, but remember – try to take time for yourself. It’s the only way to get any attention out of her when she’s a teenager.

• Popularity is over-rated. Too many people knowing your business leads to drama.

• With the invention of the Internet, once it’s online, it’s always online. And those ‘modeling’ photos are not attractive – they can be social deal breakers.  

• Take care of the true friends you have because you won’t have many of them.

• Not everyone is meant to be in your life, so cut your losses, but don’t burn those bridges.

• Don’t settle just because you think it’s the only or last chance you are going to get in life, work or love. Trust me on this one, too.

• You’re a writer. Write. Say what you mean and mean what you say because someone will always be offended and you can’t please everyone.

• Don’t beat yourself up over choices and regrets. Everything turned out fine. You did fine.

Actually, I think things turned out better than just ‘fine.’

I’d have to say it’s been pretty real.

And I’m looking forward to the glutinous, iced cupcakes with a side of Ben & Jerry’s Caramel Core ice cream, bringing in my new year with my fave person on the planet: my daughter.