A note to my cellular phone company

Dear Cellular Phone Company

I wanted to write to thank you for your continuing excellence in customer relations over the time I’ve been with your company. After dealing with dropped calls, inconsistent charges to my bill and outdated cellular phone choices for upgrade options, it’s nice to know that you haven’t changed at all and that I can continue to expect the same shitty service and loyalty that I’ve experienced over the last 10 years I’ve been with your company. Being a part of the largest cellular network, or so you say, afforded me experiences I may have missed out on, had I only went with a go-phone, no phone or land line.

Let’s start with how you connected me internationally to representatives in other countries so that I could experience what it’s like to not be able to understand technical support. Dealing with an international sales/technical support team who can barely speak the English language and doesn’t know f*** about the issue I’m calling about except what one, two or five of any number of multiple choice screens are telling them about key words in my question made me realize that maybe I should learn another language. Except, I’m not sure which one, since I never seem to get the same country or person, and I live in a country where the primary language is English and the only other language that would make sense to learn is Spanish but my calls never seem to get routed to Spain or Mexico.

How about your thank you for my 10 years of continuing patronage by offering me an upgrade on my phone at a low or no cost? When I received the emails, texts and phone calls about my eligibility and took the time out of my life to visit a store to see what my options were, I found they were not the same options as, say, a new customer. While a new customer had the option to get the latest high-speed, 3G or 4G smart phones, as a repeat client, I had an array of outdated flip phones to choose from – at a nominal fee. No iPhone or Windows phone for me.

But I see where you were going with that: I didn’t have enough phones with two on my plan. I needed to upgrade to three phones because then I would be able to get an iPhone to replace a phone I had sent in twice to have fixed, only to have it keep breaking. Now I have an extra line on my bill that I am not using right now, but maybe I will someday. It’s good to know that if I need a stalker line, I have one because your your company foresaw the maybe on that possible future need. Foresight is a good quality in company projections.

Did you perhaps foresee the multitude of insane charges that I would appear on first bill after adding the new phone? Of course you did, because you knew it was time for another phone call to an international representative for a dose of cultural/language confusion as India tried to explain the bill detail to me as I pointed out what I thought were inaccuracies due to what I remembered my initial purchase to be and what was being added with the new phone line. You let me know that I was incorrect; however you would fix my plan to the way I had initially wanted but clearly failed to communicate to the sales clerk at the time of purchase.

Although my bill is still significantly higher than the estimate I was given at the time of sale and then again after three hours of negotiating with the international rep and final adjustment, I will continue to remain loyal to your company. Why? Because I’m still under an f***ing contract which pretty much says I can’t cancel out unless I pay more than what the phone and commitment is worth. Even though that cost amounts to what my last month’s bill came to, I’m not a quitter. But you can bet your sweet, greedy, corporate ass that the minute my contract is up, I’m opting for a simpler plan that fits my bank account better.  Until then, f*** you very much and don’t mention your appreciation for my loyalty and continuing patronage.

Sincerely,
D