"Behind every crazy chick … is a guy that made her that way," ~ true statement
Before we started dating, my boyfriend asked me what my 'crazy' was … assuming that I would be completely honest and tell him right then and there that I am not as chill as I said in my online dating profile. Bless his heart.
Juuuust kidding.
I never said that in my profile. And for the record, girls do not have the capacity to truly be chill, because hormones. But I digress.
Honestly, crazy is relative to what you're willing to put up with for what you think you're going to get out of being in that relationship. There's a guy who explains it well in a video called the Hot Crazy Matrix. Basically, is that person hot enough to put up with any amount of crazy? How desperate and lonely are you at that moment? Can the crazy be tamed? Maybe there's a happy medium ... although, there's no medium crazy. At all.
And everyone is a little crazy.
Most girls don’t like the word crazy when it’s applied to them and I’m no different. I prefer to call it being 'quirky.' Because crazy makes you think of Lizzie Borden or Britney Spears – two very scary chicks. Quirky is more like Punky Brewster and that's kind of cute. Right? It's also less threatening to people who are always waiting for that crazy shoe to drop.
However, all that said, I gave the boyfriend my answer only after gauging his level of tolerance which I judged by his star sign: Scorpio (more on that later).
My 'thing' or my 'quirk' (okay fine, my crazy) is that I over-analyze everything until it drives me insane. In the past, I'd be able to keep it to myself or vent to my brother or best friend, both of whom would talk me down before words were said or actions taken that would tarnish my 'chill' image.
See, in the grand scheme of the Hot/Crazy Matrix scale, I’m not attractive or rich enough to bring crazy to the relationship table. But weird and awkward - I got that shit covered.
My mind is always working, computing some weird behavioral science equation, trying to figure out what people mean. Sometimes there's no trigger, other times it's a word or situation that reminds me of the past but most times it's a gut feeling. Every word someone speaks, action they take, or silence is either exactly what it is or maybe it's really something else.
And that's probably why I'm more than a little obsessed with astrology – which is the tool that contributes to my … quirkiness.
I might believe in the general definition of human behavior as outlined by a person's star sign. It's as if knowing to what degree people can be dishonest will help me make better excuses for them. Maybe it's astrologically impossible for some people to be decent – like, they're just celestially predestined for douchebaggery.
It beats thinking that I might be the one inspiring someone to be a total tool. I used to say that someone will be an asshole until they find someone they don't want to be an asshole to; but, every guy I've met and thought I was dating turned out to be an asshole. I can't possibly be batting 100 on the asshole scale ... can I? I mean, what are the odds?
So, within the first few minutes of meeting someone, I try to gauge their sign, approaching it as if I were a pseudo-scientific detective; because you never know when just asking will be weird. I listen to and analyze words, body language, mannerisms and speech patterns, plugging the 'data' into some made up astro-behavioral, zodiac equation in my head that mostly uses process of elimination by cross-referencing what I think I know about every sign in the zodiac until I find one that matches.
That has about a one in 12 chance of being right and a 100 percent chance of being weird and awkward – which is when I play it up as being quirky. It's kind of a hit or miss with guys and the chances of them not writing me off and walking away depends on how hot they think I am, how drunk they are and what kind of success they feel they might have trying to get into my fancy pants (that would be a big fat zero, btw) by feigning interest and playing along.
But if I had to be completely honest, I don't deal with a person any better knowing their sign as when I was clueless. People are a product of their environment, so even though they may exhibit 'textbook' characteristics of their star sign, those are also influenced by experience.
I used to favor my 'matches' – Cancer, Capricorn and Pisces – because I felt like there was a higher success rate guaranteed by the stars. But even those relationships went to shit when those guys turned into just as much of a toolbag as those who came at me from the other side of the wheel.
Basically, everyone from my astrologically ideal matches to the complete opposite, has the potential to be a dick. Really ... Is the universe trying to tell me that the ideal match for a Scorpio is an asshole? I suppose it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I mean, we can also be assholes.
It's true. We mean what we say, say what we mean and do what we say we are going to do – it's that simple. We also expect everyone else to do the same and we are assholes when that doesn't happen. In a society of flaky people who like being vague so as to leave their options open, we’re not afraid to commit - to a chore, an adventure or even a relationship.
It also applies to friendships. Just FYI.
I don't know when I became so neurotic about using astrology as a means to understand people. It never worked. Obviously, there's a rotten side to every sign (person). We all have a Jekyll and Hyde personality that manifests according to our experience and how we let it define us. I try to focus on the best- it helps me make excuses for the worst. And we all know how that ends: in a dramatic blog post about the most heart breaking break-ups in the history of my life.
Every single time.
Check it:
Pisces – first everything. He racked up a $2,000 phone bill calling 1-900 numbers because this was before free porn on the internet.
Capricorn – that guy that cheats on his girlfriend and doesn’t see anything wrong with it because he's not married to her.
Cancer – married and cheating because he didn't feel married in his heart – he just wanted to connect fun places because his wife's fun place was too far away.
And those were my compatibles. The non compats were not any better:
Taurus – cheated on me with his wife and another girl, plus he had convinced himself that he was a bad person who didn't deserve good things. Well, no shit.
Leo – they love attention and will get it from anywhere even calling a 'bed-warmer' over to have a 'cuddle'.
Gemini – dumped me for not granting access to my back door and then tried to jump me at a bar some months later. For realz. Like wtf?
Virgo – showered immediately after a heavy make-out session that included some aggressive petting - over the clothes. Never called after, but he was married a few weeks later.
I'm a Scorpio, supposedly the most magnetic, extreme and intimidating sign in the zodiac. We have seven symbols each representing the evolution of different traits. One of those symbols is the phoenix, which is supposedly the ultimate goal as a Scorpio.
Through destruction we are reborn and rise from our own ashes. Like Jean Grey of the X-Men. So, I'm basically just waiting to become a mutant. I'm kidding. All it means is that we hit that point in our lives when we achieve maturity, stability and comfort because we know we can survive anything.
Including our exes and frenemies.
I've been around the zodiac wheel in friendships and relationships. In all that experience, the common denominator is me. Truth is, when someone meets you, they've already decided how they want you in their life – as a temp or a permanent fixture – and will make the appropriate effort.
Regardless of your sign or your crazy.
Or if your sign is crazy.
But, I'm not totally ready to give up on my obsession. I feel like it helps me see people differently and figure out where it all went wrong - you know, in the end when I'm over-analyzing everything.
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