Dear Ladies (and all the men who are jumping on this bandwagon),
I'm trying desperately to retain some pride in my gender, but you guys are making it super difficult by arguing over something that you help perpetuate every day. And your defense is the Trump tapes of him being a douche. Now you're outraged, like, how can he speak like that about women?
You're telling me that until this point, you were ignorant of the fact that this happens all the time? And that you don't know how you contribute to this issue?
I just can not anymore.
To be sure, what I'm about to say in no way condones the sexist, rapey behavior by men - to include Trump and Bill Clinton; the latter who, in case we've all forgotten, put his penis in another woman's mouth who was not his wife and then tried to LIE ABOUT IT. I mean, that wasn't a loving, respectable act. But people still love and respect him ... and his wife - who let's not forget dismissed and shunned all the women who made allegations of sexual assault/harassment against her husband.
Anyways ...
A couple of photo memes are making their way around the Internet and social media in what is being interpreted as support for Trump's comments regarding how he has talked about and treated women. I'll post them here for you to see. And pay close attention to the Michelle Obama one. I'll get to that later.
Women sexually objectify themselves to get attention and then get butthurt when they are judged, attract the wrong kind of attention from what they intended or hear about someone making rapey comments on the internet. Wearing sexy outfits that show a lot of skin, posting half naked photos on your social media pages, dancing provocatively (with the intent to get attention) at a club/bar - that's sending a clear message to men that you want to be noticed for those things and not for the many qualities that make you an exceptional person.
I knew when I posted my Facebook profile photo, no guy was going to look at it and be like, "daaaaaaaayum, she looks smart." And if anyone had bothered to leave a sexist comment, rather than rant on about men being douchebags, I would have just deleted it and moved on.
The comment, not the picture - it's a pretty fantastic image.
Because I know that by putting myself out there in a certain way, I'm going to attract a certain kind of attention. It's really that simple. And there's plenty of other reasons men can be douchebags, why choose to be pissed about the one I'm contributing to?
What's not so simple is how women want to dress this behavior up in a neat little package called "owning your sexuality" as a way to excuse blasting it all over the internet to get attention and hope for an Instagram modeling contract. And also the attention of super hot guys who will validate their vanity with likes, shares and private message invitations.
And then screen shot and complain about how that's not the kind of attention girls like. Our boobs might be out, but those were just a beacon to get your attention, now get to know me. Hey, my eyes are up here ...
It's not owning your sexuality so much as it's flaunting it ...
Oh, and let's not leave out the part where we call each other bitches, whores and hookers like those are terms of endearment. It's not. Those are derogatory terms that men use when they are saying/doing all those rapey, douchebag things we're currently outraged about and which are are staples in pornographic scripts.
Porn, by the way, is not a sexual aid. If anything, it teaches men that women like to be treated like objects to be used and brutalized. There's more, but that's another blog post.
So, when you see the pictures of female celebrities like Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Rihanna and Katy Perry grabbing themselves by the pussy, they aren't owning their sexuality. They're flaunting it - blatantly. Whether it's to make money by selling albums or get enough attention to stay interesting and relevant after their 15 minutes of fame has passed, they are the ones teaching our girls - who look up to them - that this behavior is okay. As a parent, I have to turn around and tell my daughter that, no, this is not okay, you don't act like that or dress like that because it's not becoming of a lady who respects herself.
That's why when Michelle Obama says Beyonce is a good role model for her girls, but is outraged by Trump's sexual objectification of women, I have to point out that Beyonce is teaching her girls how to behave so that men feel they have the right to make those comments. And with the Internet and social media and dating apps, it's that much easier for girls to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation by showing off their goods the same way these celebrities put on a show - and possibly the same way they are seeing their adult parents acting on social media or out in public.
We can't put all the blame solely on men for these situations if we are advertising our goods and taking Beyonce's advice:
Ooh boy you looking
Like you like what you see
Won't you come over and check up on it?
I'mma let you work up on it
Ladies let him check up on it
Watch it while he check up on it
Dip it pop it twerk it stop
Check on me tonight
Not to pick on Beyonce ... but that's the song that popped into my head when I saw the meme.
Almost everything in society is sexually charged. From what we watch on TV, in movies and listen to on the radio ... to all the magazines we like to browse at the grocery store check out. It's not just men's magazines promoting sex - it's Glamour, Cosmo and other periodicals aimed at women who are desperate for ways to win the affection of their crush or just find ways to stay marketable.
It just gets passed off as dating, relationship and marital advice.
I'm in no way saying women deserve anything less than respect regardless of how they are dressed. I'm also not condoning violence against women who flaunt their goodies in public. But I am saying that, just like men, women also need to take personal responsibility in all this. If it isn't okay when guys do it, then it's not okay when we do it either - even if we're doing it to ourselves.
If you don't respect yourself, no one else will think they have to respect you.
Men should also understand that just because a chick's boobs are popping out the top of her turtleneck, it doesn't mean she wants to be groped. And ladies - turtlenecks aren't supposed to work that way.
No doubt, this has been an issue since women were created (or evolved into being, whichever your belief), and it likely won't go away fully. But, ladies, this kind of behavior begins and ends with us - apparently. When we stop telling guys it's okay to speak to us and treat us as objects put on this earth for their enjoyment, when our actions and how we present ourselves reflect that desire, then it will lessen.
When we stop quoting and idolizing self-sexualizing lyrics
When we stop sending nudes to guys we just met
When we stop meeting men on sites designed for hook ups
When we stop posting sexy pictures on the Internet
When we start covering our goods
When we start respecting ourselves and each other
When we start standing up for ourselves
When we start taking responsibility for our own actions
When we start to teach our girls to value themselves outside of what they see online, on TV and in music videos - and then take our own advice
Change starts with us in all things. Don't expect someone else to change if we aren't also willing to change.
As a realist, I can guarantee that nothing will change. And after this election is over, we will all go back to our regularly scheduled, self-objectified narcissism and resulting disappointed status updates in the form of silly memes, screenshots and misquoted celebrity quotes just to get even more attention in our cry for justice of being objectified by men because of our gender.
We don't have to be apologetic for who we are or what we have or even how we choose to present ourselves. Just know that perception IS reality for people who don't know you. We are all being judged just like we all judge. If you're putting it out there, you can't really be too mad when someone tries to pick it up or take it ... And while it's nice to have attention, ultimately it means nothing if it's not from someone who likes all of you - not just the parts that are fun to play with occasionally.
Let's make taking personal responsibility a thing again.
Sincerely,
A reasonable chick
PS: Disclaimer: I'm in no way saying that it's okay to be treated as an object or that women are asking to be raped by the way they dress or act. I'm merely saying that we encourage those situations by flaunting our sexuality. Rape is never okay in any circumstance.
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