Get Your Own: Learn to Let Go of Your Past & Move On

Actual post from said Facebook friend who shall not be named
to protect her privacy, but it starts and ends with an A. 

I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say, it’s just the opposite: I have SO MUCH to say. Every time I sit down to write, I get distracted by life and never finish my thoughts. There’s always work, family, dishes, laundry … It’s like having responsible ADD.  

A few days ago, I hopped on Facebook and saw a friend had posted this status update:

“Ladies: If he is married or has a girlfriend, he is OFF LIMITS! In 2018, don’t text or flirt with a man who is already taken.”

First of all, I don’t care what year it is, don’t go after someone else’s relationship. If God had wanted you to have it, you wouldn’t have to take it from someone else.

Anyway, I agreed with the post but pointed out that it’s not just about the other girl:

The taken or married guy should probably step up and respect his relationship by telling these single ladies who contact him (or maybe they aren’t single either …) that he’s taken and then discourage future communication/conversation. Because if we have to be honest, the kind of girls that will text/call/ sext men who are married or in a relationship, generally don’t stop because a guy says no.

They just step up to the challenge.

Because then it becomes a game: How To Get Someone Else’s Guy In 10 Days (give or take).

A while back, a guy I was dating would get text messages from his ex(es). He said they would randomly text or try to call, but he never text or called them back. He didn’t hide it; it was matter of fact. But that didn’t make me any less curious about why these girls (a few of them married and in relationships themselves) felt the need to contact him or why, if my boyfriend didn’t want to hear from them, didn’t he tell them he was taken or just block their numbers?

Then I had this epiphany: I had also received texts and FB messages from exes at times. These were guys that 'did me dirty.’  Most were messages apologizing for being a douchebag, followed by feelers for a ‘re-do’ or even a booty call in case I was single and lonely. At first, I told them I was in a relationship and wasn’t interested. But they persisted to the point that I just stopped responding. But I didn’t block them right away.

Because - being totally honest - it felt good to tell these guys I once liked and wanted to be with, that I had moved on. It felt good to see (read) them persisting in the same way I kept trying to make a ‘relationship’ with them work when we were together.

And it felt fan-freakin-tastic to tell them NO and then ignore their subsequent messages - and send screens to my BFF so we can gloat (I deserve that much). I felt like they finally knew what it was like to be in my shoes – wanting to be with or talk to someone they couldn’t have and had no interest in them.   

It was a boost to my confidence to know they still thought about me - in any capacity.

Until one day, I had another epiphany: I didn’t care about those messages or what those guys thought of me as much as I cared about the guy I was dating. I blocked all the numbers and deleted every message string and voicemail … and moved on. Because in entertaining my exes, I had left a door open to the past that part of me continued to live in with every text. So those memories, feelings and emotions were always there – anger, sadness, resentment but mostly pettiness – which kept me from fully committing to the relationship I was in at that time.

Letting go was liberating and scary at the same time.  Because at that point, I had truly moved on with my life and knew I no longer had the option to call on my past for anything going forward. I mean, I could still refer to it … but those feelings and emotions were no longer a crutch.

What I’m trying to say is that I can understand how it feels to get that affirmation so long after getting dumped/cheated on (even well into a new, successful relationship) that I am able to tolerate it with a significant other – for a limited amount of time, that is … When it happens repeatedly, it becomes an issue.

Because those triflin’ b****es are not texting their exes without reason or motive.

• They still have feelings
• They heard or stalked social media and see he has someone new
• They want to re-open the connection
• They can’t let go
• They are whores

Even exes who are in relationships or are married can’t let go sometimes. But unless they share kids, there’s really no reason to keep in touch with an ex.

And single girls who text guys whom they know are taken or are married?

• Because that guy shows he’s willing to commit – never mind that they are trying to get that guy who is already committed to break it off, which would only serve to prove how shallow that commitment is in the face of temptation.
• He's been vetted – someone married him, so he must be a great guy. It’s like that saying, “All the good ones are taken …” and then set out to take him.
• Because they can

Why don’t guys put a clean stop to it right away?  

• They like the attention
• Ego boost
• If it’s an ex: Residual feelings about how the relationship ended. If they were cheated on, or dumped harshly, this is like validation.

Guys like to say they just ignore it as a way to say it means nothing to them. Plus replying would only encourage conversation/communication. But ignoring it isn’t telling someone NO or I’M TAKEN or PLEASE DON’T TEXT MY LIFE ANYMORE. It’s just telling them NOT RIGHT NOW. By ignoring it from the beginning, they are encouraging it. It's keeping an option open.

Ladies, listen:

• Going after someone else’s guy is not a challenge, it reeks of desperation and wanting someone else’s sloppy seconds. He didn’t choose you first. Remember that. 
• If he will leave a committed relationship for you, that means there is potential for him to leave you for someone else.

 Dudes, check it:

• The grass is green where you water it. 
• Respect your relationship or break it off first.
• Do you really need to hear from your exes if you don’t have kids together? 
• Needing attention from more than your significant other is weak and a sign of low self-esteem and it's not attractive - to anyone. 

 Just know that I have not one shred of patience for this behavior and – in the words of my 20 year old daughter – will come for someone’s life if they try to take something important from mine.

But THAT said, I also can't make someone want to stay with me if they decide to take an ex or a single lady up on the business. I'll cut them out .... because karma says they'll be hitting me up again real soon after with their regrets.  *shrugs*

We're Doing Relationships Wrong

I’m not a relationship guru – far from it, in fact. As far as my own relationships, I don’t even pretend to know what I’m doing anymore. I’m a year into a relationship now and will admit that I’m kinda flying by the seat of my pants with no belt.  It’s by no means the longest relationship I’ve been in, but in today’s growing hook up culture, making it to a year with the same person is a milestone. 

But, that said, I know what might be working for us, probably won’t work for everyone else, so I don’t presume to tell anyone else how to make his or her relationship work ... anymore. Really, no one else can, either. Because we are all different and each relationship has it’s own dynamic. 

However, that doesn’t stop us from advising our friends and social media circles, does it? Whether through memes, status updates, or articles and blogs, we are always quick to offer advice. Which can go only one of two ways: it works, or they get dumped.

If they get dumped, we say their ex was an asshole anyway and a favor was done for them. But if it works, we obvs take the credit and immediately add relationship expert level 1000 to our online life-coaching resume and promptly start dispensing even more advice – solicited or not – through our social media timelines and feeds. Most likely both.

Sure, I’ll be the first to admit I dig getting to advise people based on my own experience of trial and error. I don’t like to brag – actually, yes, I do like to brag, and my advice is 95 percent on point. I’m just better with your life than my own. But I’m not here to recite my resume of “I told you so” moments as proof. 

I’m only here to point out what we all probably know about modern relationships and how we are doing them wrong. So, pay attention, because I don’t like repeating myself:  

Tech and Social Media
We pretty much live each day one right swipe away from a break up. Technology and social media keeps us connected to instant opportunity and gratification – all the time. It distracts us from committing to what we have by convincing us to believe we might be missing out on something better.

So, we date with one eye on our phones and one foot propping the door just in case we need to make a quick exit.

Not only that, technology and social platforms have taken our ability to really connect with someone emotionally by allowing us to pretend to be ‘personal’ in impersonal ways. We text, message, snap and swipe. We sit next to each other, but talk to other people. We’re living together but sharing our lives with everyone else. We’re more disconnected even though this tech is designed to keep us connected. We have entire relationships – as short-lived as they are – without ever having to actually talk and get to know someone past what we know through their online profiles. 

Easy Sex
Let me start by saying I’m a little old fashioned. I don’t believe that women were created to be equal to men. I believe men and women were created to complement and complete each other. But, the modern woman is independent, doesn't need a man and has a right to satisfy needs without having to justify her actions. Saying that, there is a double standard when it comes to sex. 

Women are so proud to call themselves sexually liberated these days, being DTF with NSA and open to FWB. But the consequence of that is since men can get sex without any type of emotional investment or time, they don’t have to worry about committing to a relationship of any length or even marriage. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” 

By no means am I advocating celibacy for anyone – except my daughter who is no doubt reading this right now. I am saying women today sling their lady business around like it’s a freakin free meal, call it being sexually liberated, then complain about men who take what they are offered and leave when they are done.

Free Porn
I once dated a guy who was addicted to porn. Maybe I should’ve realized it when I saw his phone lock screen showcased three asses stacked on top of each other but I honestly mistook them for those yummy yeast rolls at the Golden Corral. What’s more – each of those asses had a name and he knew which was which – get this – by the shape and texture. THE TEXTURE. I can’t make this up if I tried. 

For the record, porn is not a sexual aid, nor is it a healthy past-time for couples or even single people. Porn tries to teach us that cheating is okay, that women like to be used for someone else’s pleasure and also love to watch their man giving another woman the business. Porn has desensitized men and women to healthy sex by corrupting their views on what it means to be emotionally intimate with another person by promoting unrealistic sexual situations and body types. It affects the pleasure center in the brain and skews what it takes for a person to get aroused, preventing men and women from being able to make that emotionally intimate connection.

That’s just the Cliff’s notes.

“Look Ma, No Hands”
I recently had a convo with a married friend who said that if her hubs cheated, it wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. Her reason? Sex doesn’t mean a betrayal of the heart, it could just be they need to find something that is missing from the relationship.

Like what? An STD? Um, GTFO with that nonsense. If my man puts his penis in another vagina, he not only becomes a health hazard, he becomes a single man. But I know what she’s saying – sex can just be sex, but carrying on something more can become a relationship.

Again, technology and social applications keep doors to instantly gratifying opportunity open, allowing people to foster pseudo-relationships on the down-low – or in plain view. People think flirting, sharing sex jokes, offering compliments and confiding in someone other than their partner - and calling them a friend – is not cheating because there is no physical intimacy.

But there’s only so many times you can hear “omg, they’re friends, like family” before you gotta ask, “is it normal for family to send nudes to each other?” #askingforafriend.

The point is, doing this takes away attention, emotional confidence, communication, trust, loyalty and closeness – essentially starving the relationship - because those needs are being met elsewhere.

Baggage
People use their past experiences to validate how they treat their current relationship. Some place restrictions on the level of commitment hoping to mitigate future disaster or even karma from finding them. Others use their past to justify treating someone as bad as they were by someone else - like it’s an entitlement.

So, not only are they setting it up to fail from the beginning, they are essentially punishing someone who hasn’t done anything wrong for the bullshit someone else did. And then they actually explain it just like this to whomever they are dating because sadism.

No experience gives anyone the right to be an asshole to someone that doesn’t deserve it and the best way to make up for being an asshole is to not be a future asshole. Duh. Common Sense 101.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Everyone says absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that’s a bunch of bull and crap, especially in today’s hook up/break up relationship culture. It’s more like out of sight, out of mind. When couples are apart, it’s like the relationship is no longer a priority above a closer Tinder match.They basically act like they are single – hanging out in bars or clubs with the girls or guys and justifying it as living their life, they aren’t doing anything wrong, it’s just fun. But doing those things fosters insecurity in the relationship, which leads to jealousy and petty arguments until someone leaves the toilet seat up and that’s the last straw.

Too Much Too Soon
Then there are ‘couples’who hit the ground running: they try to turn a hook up into a long-term relationship. They want all the maturity and emotional connection in a relationship that’s usually built up over time to happen within a few weeks. So, in the effort to make that happen, they suffocate the relationship until it fails because no one likes to have someone living in their butthole 24/7/365.

Expectation versus Reality
I met a guy after my first divorce. We dated for a few months and I expected we were destined for long-term. But, alas, the reality was he’d only been looking for a good time and accidentally let it go too far. I didn’t even have a clue otherwise until he replaced me in his top 8 on MySpace with his ex-girlfriend. 

It didn’t occur to me to say anything about my expectations in the beginning. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with me forever, right? Except for both my ex-husbands and all the guys that dumped me … nevermind. 

The point is, everyone wants that epic relationship – you know, the one advertised by people we don't know on social media. And they play this game where they hide their true intentions so that the other person will give it a chance. When that doesn't work, they try to change someone else to be who they want or change themselves to be who they think the other person wants. 


Guilty on that last one. For the record, I am not into bodybuilding or sports and my fave movie is not Point Break. 

Lack of Communication
We don’t talk anymore. We text. And even then, we casually skirt the issues we don’t want to address because it’s easier to pretend they don’t exist. You know, just in case they work themselves out over time. But what ends up happening is that they fester like an open wound until all it takes is one dumbass argument about a toilet seat being left up and it all implodes. Poof.

Minimum Effort
Relationships aren’t self-maintaining. They take work. But when the going gets rough, old or hits a bump, it’s easier to cut and run or use those issues to justify looking for a distraction or even a replacement as an easier solution than actually resolving problems and growing as a couple. 

Most people nowadays like the idea of being in a relationship, but not the reality. Everyone wants to be free to do what he or she wants to do all the time without obligation or consequence and also be with someone who will put up with that shit. Relationships are built on communication, trust, respect, commitment and love, and the ability of both partners to actively work towards building a future together. But no one wants to put in the work because “life is too short to waste time because maybe there is someone more perfect for me out there who won't be as much work.”


Take it from me, someone who basically has a Master’s in Being Single, Dating and in Relationships from the School of Hard Knocks after 12 years. I am basically telling everyone what they already know. 

The Comeback Fail - A CrossFit Story

It’s been a minute since my last blog, right?

Don’t worry, I’ve been busy and have a ton of material for more blogs – it’s just the time to write them is hard to come by these days.

I thought once my daughter went to college, I’d have more free time to do … well, THINGS. I had mapped out my days of being child-free to include more working out, meal-prepping like a boss, writing in the evening at Barnes and Noble, taking more photos, hanging out with my friends more … maybe even travel a bit. Get back into acting …

But what had happened was … my daughter never really ‘left’ for college. She goes to school 15 minutes away, lives on campus during the week and usually comes home on weekends. Any free time I had, I started filling up spending time with my kid, eating dinner with her, and taking in more work. And then I acquired a boyfriend.

That last one, I’m not sure how I managed, but he’s still around and it’s been about a year. I don’t care how many blogs I write, I am probably going to keep mentioning this fact for as long as I have him. In every single blog. Just kidding.

But I digress.

With all the business going on, I had to give up something because I was losing sleep and that’s pretty important. So, I gave up going to the gym. The only time I could go was zero dark thirty and once that option was gone (due to work), I made a choice.

Not going to pretend that it was hard to do – it was relatively easy.  Like, sooooo easy. Literally, I just didn’t set my alarm for 4am and – boom – no gym. Extra sleep. 

Yeah, there are other times during the day I could have made it to the gym, like after work. I make the motivational memes for the gym page, so I know. Everyone has an hour. An hour is just  one percent of your day. If it’s important, you will make time. Etc.

But here’s the thing: I didn’t want to make time or take time out of my really busy day to do an activity I was starting to not like. I’ll get to that later.

When I leave work at 5pm, I have exactly four hours to go home, cook, work from my second job and spend quality time with my boyfriend or daughter or both … before I have to go to bed to get up and start my day over. Working seven days a week means prioritizing what is important to me in my free time. On my list of priorities, the gym was at the lowest point.

Look, there is no shame in not wanting to work out or needing a break from fitness. No one needs to come up with an iron-clad, unbeatable excuse or reason to validate their decision, but people will judge in the pettiest of ways.  Usually with the posting of Internet gifs and memes. 

Personally, I dislike the memes made using photos of amputees lifting the Pyramids of Egypt to tell me that I have no excuse. 

My honesty is my excuse. Plus, my fitness goal does not include lifting things heavier than all the bags of groceries from the car in one trip or running faster than a speeding bullet. I’m pretty simple - I just want to be able to eat normal food – ALL THE TIME. Spanx pretty much takes care of the rest. But it’s nice to look and feel fit with and without clothes.

Which is what going to the gym does for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t completely lazy on my sabbatical. I walked, jogged and ran in my neighborhood and even started to like mowing and landscaping my parent’s yard in 100 degree weather.  I kept my body moving. Not the same as going to the gym, but it was something.

What I mostly missed was being social and complaining about workouts I didn’t want to do but knowing I was going to do them anyway and then posting it on social media so my haters can see that my workout is more intense than their workout. (See what I mean about pettiness?)

Anyway, now that the boyfriend is busy and I have cut my work schedule a little, I started going back to the gym. Yay, me, right?

Haha, about that, tho …

Today was my second morning back. I am currently hovering over my laptop which is on the floor, typing this by lowering my dangling arms towards the keyboard like a crane claw, hoping I hit the correct letter the first time. My legs feel like jello and I have to pee, but I’m afraid to stand up because my butt muscles hurt so much I’m afraid sitting is the only reason I have not peed myself. Speaking of standing, I can’t because both legs haven’t worked since about 8am this morning.

In my plan and execution to make a comeback at the gym, I hadn’t calculated for a complete reset in my ability to fitness as well as my pain threshold – it’s at zero right now. Which means I will walk like a baby giraffe trying to find its legs for a few days.

Sexy, right? The only thing that did NOT hurt on my body was my face. 

What did I learn from this? That when coach asked if I needed to scale my reps on my first workout, I should’ve said. “yes.”

My bad. 

I said no, because ... well, stupidity - and because I was ready to kick my own ass, apparently. Mission accomplished. 

Now, I’m paying the price. Needless to say, I will not make this mistake again.

I know I can do more than I think I can, because I did. I should have worked as much as I could without hurting myself. Which is my new plan for when I make my second comeback later this week.

This time around at the gym, since it’s basically a ‘hard reset,’ I plan to just focus on my own fitness goal of being able to climb stairs and not look, feel or sound like I’ve climbed Mt. Everest. Barefoot. Uphill. Both ways. For time.

It’s really that simple.

But getting back to when I mentioned realizing I was starting to not like going to the gym and working out.

It wasn't that I didn't like going, it was that I realized I wasn't working towards MY goal. And during my slightly longer than brief vacay from fitness, I had to reassess that goal and what I needed to do to achieve it because I was losing interest.

Why?

I would go to the gym and lift and cardio based on an assessment that didn’t include my body goals. My

body was growing and shaping into something that I didn’t really want – I was basically working hard in the gym to satisfy the programming goal and not my own.

With the gym and programming I choose to follow, it’s really not that hard to get sidetracked when you’re seeing results – any results.

And the results I experienced were very real, just not my own. It’s self-defeating to keep doing something hoping to eventually see a different outcome. It’s like taking your cheating ex back every single time hoping he will eventually meet your boyfriend goals one day. I had to ask myself what my body goal was and if I could achieve that with the same gym and programming.

The answer, of course, was yes and no. Yes, the gym and programming will absolutely get me to my goal - just with a tweak or two. When I started this fitness journey seven years ago, I basically did a lighter version of this same programming and within months I had met and exceeded my body goals.

So, that is what I will be doing – working out to achieve my own goals.

Just as soon as I can use my body again.

UPDATE: So, it's been several days since I wrote this, and today was my first morning back in the gym. I may have made a mistake, but thankfully the coaches worked with me to get me through the warm-up and stretches. I'm okay, though. I'm okay. 

I Drink And I Write Things

So, my 43rd birthday was November 9.

Yep. The big four three.

I wanted to make a big deal out of the fact that not only am I another year older, but that for the first time in a few years, I have a boyfriend.

Boom.

That's right, I'm not single anymore. That means birthday … hugs.

But, my birthday fell on the day Donald Trump swooped the presidency from underneath Hillary Clinton and all hell broke loose in America. I'm over here like, “Yo, it's my birthday, look at this sexy-ass picture of me and my new relationship status;” but the entire population of the United States (my FB friends) couldn't hear me over the sound of everyone getting ready to go Mortal Kombat Annihilation on each other.

I feel like either Trump, Clinton or all of social media owes me a big ass party or a trip to Vegas. Or both. But, I digress.

Two thousand sixteen was a year of transition for me: my daughter graduated high school and started college; I finally gave up apartment living and moved into my parents' old house; got my health back; and started seeing someone. I also gave in and finally bought readers so that I could see; which, for some reason made my mom laugh out loud longer and harder than I thought possible.

Are parents supposed to find that much humor in their children getting older?

Sure, the glasses could be a sexy librarian thing, but at my age they are less librarian, more Sophia from Golden Girls … as an old … er … librarian – just not a sexy one, unless you like that many wrinkles … all over.

Sigh.

My past birthdays left me in varying states of … distress: there was the mild anxiety attack at the loss of a tooth when I turned 40; my unsuccessful Google research into changing my official, legal birthday to put me in a younger demographic at 41; and then by 42, I tried to forget my birthday altogether. But social media likes to announce it to your friends who in turn want to make sure that you know that they know that you know that they haven’t forgotten that you're getting older. Just in case I did forget ... However, if I had to be honest – as I sit here and drink my bottle of wine – my birthday gets less and less traumatic as I get older.

Yes. An entire bottle of wine. By myself. The perks of being an adult – at least in age, if not mentality.

Turning 43 didn't bother me at all. Everyone leaving me birthday wishes joked about this being my 21st birthday or that this is the new 30 but that’s a lie. It's still 43. And most of the time I feel 43. Other times I feel 10. Sometimes I feel like I'm a very awkward 18. Occasionally I feel dead.

What I never feel – at any age though - is grown up.

Even my dad asked me when I was going to grow up during my yearly birthday phone call. I said never. Because why make promises I can't keep or pretend to be someone I’m not?

 I ‘adult’ when I have to because I’m a mom. The rest of the time, I’m busy making things up as I go along.

Sometimes it turns out okay, other times … you read about it in my blog.

I’m not gonna lie: getting to 43 was not uneventful. I’ve been a lot of places, met a lot of people and done a lot of things. Some good, some not so much; others for experience points … and then there are the things that are reasons I can never be a public figure or a celebrity.

Which is a shame because I feel like I have celeb potential.

As I sit here and reflect on things I’ve decided I can no longer do or put up with, what I’ve learned and what I’d tell my younger self … I realized I actually have a lot to be thankful for in my life – besides being alive, because some of the decisions I’ve made could have easily gone a different way.

I’m thankful for … my daughter. I raised a pretty impressive kid, in spite of the fact that I was not an easy kid for my parents to raise. You might say she raised me. My parents are still not sure how I got so lucky. They were sure payback was coming my way after all the ish I put them through. Haha. Ha. Hm.

Yoga pants. If you wear them, you know why. If you don’t, you really should.

Wine & Champagne. Did you know you can mix Champagne with OJ and it’s acceptable to drink with your pancakes if you just call it brunch? – What? I was a late bloomer when it came to alcohol.

My parents for being right all the time. Seriously.

My brothers.

Smartphone and social media app camera filters for helping me look 10 years younger for way too long.

That in a world that’s become increasingly influenced by mainstream and social media, I still know how to think for myself (you know you read that in the movie trailer narrator voice).

Streaming television. Because without it, I would probably still be paying close to $200 for cable and the four shows I like to watch.

Netflix. It allows me to binge watch 1000 hours of a show no one remembers that aired in 2000 but which is also ending in a month.

CrossFit. Besides the obligatory mention of my workout program, it’s seriously kept me in the gym pretty consistently for six years now and has given me an audience for my sarcasm at 5:30am. Everyday. You’re welcome.

Spanx and its ability to be used as a shoehorn to get my phat ass into my jeans – for the days I can’t wear yoga pants.

Or sometimes, I wear spanx with yoga pants. I call those my skinny days.

I still believe in happy endings ... even though I've experienced a lot of unhappy endings.

Menopause – or at least pre-menopause. I’m no longer mortified that my uterus and ovaries are drying up because now I don’t have to deal with hemorrhaging for five days straight, cramps, bloating and having to close the gates to my lady garden until it’s safe to pass.

And also, it will never be my fault when someone stops the toilet at work with flushing any amount of tampons because I don’t need them.

Books. Not e-books, but actual paperback and hardcover ones. Those books – or rather, the stories – fueled my imagination as a kid and now as an adult … which is probably why I will never grow up.

My boyfriend. For all the obvious reasons, but also for being patient with my crazy, eating whatever I cook regardless of its state of edibility and … hugs.

Being a Scorpio and all the people who understand what that means.

That my daughter still likes to cuddle with me even though she’s pretty much an adult.

My adopted dog, Lady. She’s the only one who greets me with such excitement every time I walk into the room like she didn’t just see me five minutes ago.

Bacon.

Facebook and Instagram for giving me an outlet for my creativity as a writer, photographer, model and comedian. Yes, I’m funny.

My job. I’ve been blessed with a great job and awesome co-workers. They bring me food.

The Internet. It satisfies my curiosity about things, people and mysterious illnesses.

Tinder. For the entertainment, blog opps and introducing me to my boyfriend. I might be kidding, I might not ... whichever is funnier.

My friends. I don’t have many, but I’m grateful that my friends and I can be honest with each other. They also make sure I don’t do anything so stupid I can’t blog about it because it would only sound crazy instead of funny and why waste a blog opportunity, right?

Caller ID and call block. For obvious reasons …

FaceTime so I can see my little brothers. And by little, I mean 42 and 32.

Chick Fil A – so I can eat fast food but feel good about it because it’s chicken.

Comic book conventions and cosplay - two things I can enjoy with my daughter and blame it all on her.

When my parents text or call me. Actually, anytime I get to talk to my parents.

Good hair days. They are few and far between, but I appreciate every single one of them.

That time everyone loved my cinnamon roll apple pie.

Hashtags.

Online shopping. I can do it in my pajamas while drinking wine and binge watching 1000 hours of a show on Netflix.

Social media because otherwise I’d never know what’s going on in everyone else’s lives.

Fifty Shades of Grey. Because Jamie Dornan. I would like to personally thank his wife for sharing him with the world.

Karaoke. Without it, people would never know I could sing great songs really badly.

That my mirror doesn’t talk because I’m sure it would not stop laughing at me. Literally.

iTunes. Without it, I would have to buy entire albums just to listen to one or two songs. But it is depressing to see my iTunes library and see just how many songs I spent $1.29 on over the years … I could have bought a boob job with that money …

When the guys that dumped me or didn’t date me when they had the chance come at me thirsty in my DMs asking for a drank and I can tell them I’m in a relationship.

Not ever contracting an STD.

Being myself.

That perfect outfit.

Bras that not only fit, but make my boobs look ah-mazingly perky.

Turning off my phone.

Compliments from random strangers of the, “MMM mmm,” “Daaayum,” and the rubbernecking variety.  They’re not obligated so I feel it’s sincere.

Recently single Gerard Butler.

Holiday Spice Flat White latte from Starbucks. So now I can also join in the basicness that is spending $5 on a cup of fancy coffee like all the other basics in yoga pants, boots, North Face jackets and beanies.

The big booty movement for keeping my body relevant to the times.

Being a smart, nerdy chick that drinks and knows things.

Astrology for helping me cope with people by defining them by their star signs. Yes, I know all your crazy and now you know mine.

Finally, being able to write and have a blog that maybe only a handful of people might read, but it gives me an outlet for my creativity.


I’m thankful for other more practical and traditional things, too; but I’m down to the bottom of this bottle of wine and to be honest, I’m having a difficult time keeping my train of thought. All the things I’m thankful for is about to take a turn for the inappropriate and blunt, non-filtered truths about things best saved for another blog post.

Or better - my as of yet, partly-written scandalous memoirs.

An open letter to the ladies

Dear Ladies (and all the men who are jumping on this bandwagon),

I'm trying desperately to retain some pride in my gender, but you guys are making it super difficult by arguing over something that you help perpetuate every day. And your defense is the Trump tapes of him being a douche. Now you're outraged, like, how can he speak like that about women?

You're telling me that until this point, you were ignorant of the fact that this happens all the time? And that you don't know how you contribute to this issue?

I just can not anymore.

To be sure, what I'm about to say in no way condones the sexist, rapey behavior by men - to include Trump and Bill Clinton; the latter who, in case we've all forgotten, put his penis in another woman's mouth who was not his wife and then tried to LIE ABOUT IT. I mean, that wasn't a loving, respectable act. But people still love and respect him ... and his wife - who let's not forget dismissed and shunned all the women who made allegations of sexual assault/harassment against her husband.

Anyways ...

A couple of photo memes are making their way around the Internet and social media in what is being interpreted as support for Trump's comments regarding how he has talked about and treated women. I'll post them here for you to see. And pay close attention to the Michelle Obama one. I'll get to that later.

Those memes aren't standing up for sexist comments made towards women. They're merely illustrating a very real and valid point.

Women sexually objectify themselves to get attention and then get butthurt when they are judged, attract the wrong kind of attention from what they intended or hear about someone making rapey comments on the internet. Wearing sexy outfits that show a lot of skin, posting half naked photos on your social media pages, dancing provocatively (with the intent to get attention) at a club/bar - that's sending a clear message to men that you want to be noticed for those things and not for the many qualities that make you an exceptional person.

I knew when I posted my Facebook profile photo, no guy was going to look at it and be like, "daaaaaaaayum, she looks smart." And if anyone had bothered to leave a sexist comment, rather than rant on about men being douchebags, I would have just deleted it and moved on.

The comment, not the picture - it's a pretty fantastic image.

Because I know that by putting myself out there in a certain way, I'm going to attract a certain kind of attention. It's really that simple. And there's plenty of other reasons men can be douchebags, why choose to be pissed about the one I'm contributing to?

What's not so simple is how women want to dress this behavior up in a neat little package called "owning your sexuality" as a way to excuse blasting it all over the internet to get attention and hope for an Instagram modeling contract. And also the attention of super hot guys who will validate their vanity with likes, shares and private message invitations.

And then screen shot and complain about how that's not the kind of attention girls like. Our boobs might be out, but those were just a beacon to get your attention, now get to know me. Hey, my eyes are up here ...

It's not owning your sexuality so much as it's flaunting it ...

Oh, and let's not leave out the part where we call each other bitches, whores and hookers like those are terms of endearment. It's not. Those are derogatory terms that men use when they are saying/doing all those rapey, douchebag things we're currently outraged about and which are are staples in pornographic scripts.

Porn, by the way, is not a sexual aid. If anything, it teaches men that women like to be treated like objects to be used and brutalized. There's more, but that's another blog post.

So, when you see the pictures of female celebrities like Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, Rihanna and Katy Perry grabbing themselves by the pussy, they aren't owning their sexuality. They're flaunting it - blatantly. Whether it's to make money by selling albums or get enough attention to stay interesting and relevant after their 15 minutes of fame has passed, they are the ones teaching our girls - who look up to them - that this behavior is okay. As a parent, I have to turn around and tell my daughter that, no, this is not okay, you don't act like that or dress like that because it's not becoming of a lady who respects herself.

That's why when Michelle Obama says Beyonce is a good role model for her girls, but is outraged by Trump's sexual objectification of women, I have to point out that Beyonce is teaching her girls how to behave so that men feel they have the right to make those comments. And with the Internet and social media and dating apps, it's that much easier for girls to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation by showing off their goods the same way these celebrities put on a show - and possibly the same way they are seeing their adult parents acting on social media or out in public.

We can't put all the blame solely on men for these situations if we are advertising our goods and taking Beyonce's advice:

Ooh boy you looking
Like you like what you see
Won't you come over and check up on it?
I'mma let you work up on it

Ladies let him check up on it
Watch it while he check up on it
Dip it pop it twerk it stop
Check on me tonight

Not to pick on Beyonce ... but that's the song that popped into my head when I saw the meme. 

Almost everything in society is sexually charged. From what we watch on TV, in movies and listen to on the radio ... to all the magazines we like to browse at the grocery store check out. It's not just men's magazines promoting sex - it's Glamour, Cosmo and other periodicals aimed at women who are desperate for ways to win the affection of their crush or just find ways to stay marketable. 

It just gets passed off as dating, relationship and marital advice. 

I'm in no way saying women deserve anything less than respect regardless of how they are dressed. I'm also not condoning violence against women who flaunt their goodies in public. But I am saying that, just like men, women also need to take personal responsibility in all this. If it isn't okay when guys do it, then it's not okay when we do it either - even if we're doing it to ourselves.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will think they have to respect you.

Men should also understand that just because a chick's boobs are popping out the top of her turtleneck, it doesn't mean she wants to be groped. And ladies - turtlenecks aren't supposed to work that way.

No doubt, this has been an issue since women were created (or evolved into being, whichever your belief), and it likely won't go away fully. But, ladies, this kind of behavior begins and ends with us - apparently. When we stop telling guys it's okay to speak to us and treat us as objects put on this earth for their enjoyment, when our actions and how we present ourselves reflect that desire, then it will lessen.

When we stop quoting and idolizing self-sexualizing lyrics
When we stop sending nudes to guys we just met
When we stop meeting men on sites designed for hook ups
When we stop posting sexy pictures on the Internet
When we start covering our goods
When we start respecting ourselves and each other
When we start standing up for ourselves
When we start taking responsibility for our own actions
When we start to teach our girls to value themselves outside of what they see online, on TV and in music videos - and then take our own advice

Change starts with us in all things. Don't expect someone else to change if we aren't also willing to change.

As a realist, I can guarantee that nothing will change. And after this election is over, we will all go back to our regularly scheduled, self-objectified narcissism and resulting disappointed status updates in the form of silly memes, screenshots and misquoted celebrity quotes just to get even more attention in our cry for justice of being objectified by men because of our gender.

We don't have to be apologetic for who we are or what we have or even how we choose to present ourselves. Just know that perception IS reality for people who don't know you. We are all being judged just like we all judge. If you're putting it out there, you can't really be too mad when someone tries to pick it up or take it ... And while it's nice to have attention, ultimately it means nothing if it's not from someone who likes all of you - not just the parts that are fun to play with occasionally.

Let's make taking personal responsibility a thing again.

Sincerely,
A reasonable chick

PS: Disclaimer: I'm in no way saying that it's okay to be treated as an object or that women are asking to be raped by the way they dress or act. I'm merely saying that we encourage those situations by flaunting our sexuality. Rape is never okay in any circumstance.

Obligatory Political Blog Post

So, I’ve tried not to weigh in on the political BS on FB. Not because I don’t have an opinion, but thanks to the mainstream media, I end up arguing semantics which makes me realize that no one is focusing on the real issues.

It’s become a lot of drama – but other people’s drama, not mine, and that’s an issue for me. I really only like to talk about my own drama publicly. That’s why I have a blog, duh.

Social issues like racism and sexism are very important but can and should be solved by you and me – we can’t really look to the president to micromanage our everyday lives making sure no one is being racist or sexist. The government has more important issues to focus on that affect the nation as a whole. However, the media has done a great job making this election about those social issues. Yes, what Trump said 11 years ago (and quite possibly has continued to say over the years) is wrong and not okay. But if there was never a recording, we’d probably never hear about it and then we’d be looking for something else that will disqualify him from the presidency.

But to be clear, I don’t think his words should disqualify him from being the president considering we’ve had more than one president in the White House who has put his penis where it shouldn’t be. But I digress.

The best thing about the Trump tape is the discussion that’s been opened up and how everyone is all of a sudden seeing what’s so wrong about those words (like, before, no guy ever thought about it…). The hard wake-up call is going to be the fact that no one is going to do much about it other than use it to determine who they vote into the White House. And then once the election is over, it gets relocated to the rounds on social media where all important social issue discussions are retired. Just ask the feminists.

Thanks mainstream media.

But I’m getting off topic: It’s not about Trump saying mean things or not (legally) paying taxes; and – to be honest – it’s not about Bill Clinton “not having sexual relations with that woman” and his wife allegedly shutting down sexual harassment accusers. It’s not about a blouse, a fly or being fed information and favored in debates. We’re kind of way past voting for someone based on their moral character at this point because none of us are perfect.

We have to look at the bigger picture. (cue photo of the United States.)

This is about the future of the United States. One of these two people will be president. And at this rate, thanks to the main stream media, our choice is going to be based on who said the meanest things instead of who might be able to help America – even make America great again.

What we should be focused on as it nears November 8 are the real issues that affect all of us – and hear me out - because it took me a long time to put my thoughts into words that made a little bit of sense:

1. National Security

2. A Stable Economy

I mean, there are a few other issues, but these are the two I think are most important and obvs will affect our country’s future as far as safety and ability to sustain itself.

What do I think of Nat’l Security? Well, I don’t want the Mexicans gone. I don’t want to deny anyone access to legally live here. The wall idea is kind of stupid (and will never happen, so calm down). But right now, a lot of our immigrants are coming from places where there are known terrorists who hate our country and are targeting us in planned attacks. We kind of need a president who understands that and puts Americans and our safety first. I’m not saying let’s not let anyone else in, I am saying that a tougher screening process is needed. Because while most immigrants just want to be here and enjoy the freedoms we offer, there are many more who are coming through who can possibly build the Trojan Horse that brings us down. I’m not a doom and gloom person, but that’s a reality, people. And as a military strategy, it’s genius because no one believes that can happen. Even though it’s already happened once. How many times do we need it to happen before it’s too late?

Because I think once is enough.

Our economy is kind of shitty. Politicians are good at politics. Business people are good at business. Can the

two mix? I don’t know. Can Trump bring jobs to the people? I believe that he’s a shrewd business person. Hillary likely could do the same, but she’ll  raise taxes on the rich (her words, not mine) which I'm not even sure how that will create jobs ... And even though that sounds fair, it won't work because the rich kids and business owners (employers) will find ways to get out of paying that high tax.  So, people will have jobs, but businesses will do what they have to in order to get around paying a lot of that higher tax, including not employing more people, or cutting hours and distributing them in a way that's more monetarily advantageous. I really don’t know how to explain that, but as someone who has owned her own business (and failed at that), I can understand how targeting business owners and the wealthy won't help the poor or middle class. Just like raising the minimum wage isn’t helping anyone because it could put people in a higher tax bracket to pay more taxes and then eventually the cost of living goes up so that $15/hr won’t seem like enough.

All the politics give me a headache and anxiety. I try to avoid it as much as possible. But every time I open my Facebook it’s about Trump’s sexist tape or Hillary’s scandals (and how Biden should run or what about Johnson). I’m not going to say that either person doesn’t have the capacity to be a good good person, I can’t even say that one would be a better president than the other.

I do know that we need a real change in America and I think that only one of the two can bring it. Either way, it will be a gamble ... just like every election year. 

You don’t have to vote on November 8 (which is a day before my birthday, btw). It’s not your duty, regardless of what Robert Downey Jr and the Avengers tells you through a social media video. You can sit back and whine about how Biden was a missed opportunity or how it came between two people that no one seems to like and that if one or the other makes it you’re moving to Canada (you won't), or that you’re choosing the lesser of two evils (that's a cop out).

You know what? If that last one is why you’re voting, then stay home. No one needs that vote, it's stupid. Even if you think the problem is the government, it's not going to fix itself. Supposedly we - the American citizens - are here to be able to do something about it by voting for the person we think will do the most for us as a nation. 

Right? Or did I miss something? 

Anyway, you should vote for someone you can believe in, not someone you will vote into office and continue to tear down during his/her presidency like everyone has done since Obama, Bush and Clinton (and others, I’m sure, because it’s our right per freedom of speech and expression) were elected. And then re-elect them four years later because they did such a 'terrible' job. Whether we like who is in office or not, we should believe in and support them, because from the outside, not having people support the government is a sign of weakness. And if our government fails, we all fail. 

I’m voting to ignore the mainstream media focus on all the drama in favor of the real issues facing our nation. 

But first, I need an aspirin.

Disclaimer: I'm so ready for my friend's list to cull itself, so if this offends anyone, just know that I don't give two s***s and good riddance. 

You say crazy, I say quirky

"Behind every crazy chick … is a guy that made her that way," ~ true statement

Before we started dating, my boyfriend asked me what my 'crazy' was … assuming that I would be completely honest and tell him right then and there that I am not as chill as I said in my online dating profile. Bless his heart.

Juuuust kidding.

I never said that in my profile. And for the record, girls do not have the capacity to truly be chill, because hormones. But I digress.

Honestly, crazy is relative to what you're willing to put up with for what you think you're going to get out of being in that relationship. There's a guy who explains it well in a video called the Hot Crazy Matrix. Basically, is that person hot enough to put up with any amount of crazy? How desperate and lonely are you at that moment? Can the crazy be tamed? Maybe there's a happy medium ... although, there's no medium crazy. At all.

And everyone is a little crazy.

Most girls don’t like the word crazy when it’s applied to them and I’m no different. I prefer to call it being 'quirky.' Because crazy makes you think of Lizzie Borden or Britney Spears – two very scary chicks. Quirky is more like Punky Brewster and that's kind of cute. Right? It's also less threatening to people who are always waiting for that crazy shoe to drop.

However, all that said, I gave the boyfriend my answer only after gauging his level of tolerance which I judged by his star sign: Scorpio (more on that later).

 

My 'thing' or my 'quirk' (okay fine, my crazy) is that I over-analyze everything until it drives me insane. In the past, I'd be able to keep it to myself or vent to my brother or best friend, both of whom would talk me down before words were said or actions taken that would tarnish my 'chill' image.

See, in the grand scheme of the Hot/Crazy Matrix scale, I’m not attractive or rich enough to bring crazy to the relationship table. But weird and awkward - I got that shit covered. 

My mind is always working, computing some weird behavioral science equation, trying to figure out what people mean. Sometimes there's no trigger, other times it's a word or situation that reminds me of the past but most times it's a gut feeling. Every word someone speaks, action they take, or silence is either exactly what it is or maybe it's really something else. 

And that's probably why I'm more than a little obsessed with astrology – which is the tool that contributes to my … quirkiness.

I might believe in the general definition of human behavior as outlined by a person's star sign. It's as if knowing to what degree people can be dishonest will help me make better excuses for them. Maybe it's astrologically impossible for some people to be decent – like, they're just celestially predestined for douchebaggery.

It beats thinking that I might be the one inspiring someone to be a total tool. I used to say that someone will be an asshole until they find someone they don't want to be an asshole to; but, every guy I've met and thought I was dating turned out to be an asshole. I can't possibly be batting 100 on the asshole scale ... can I? I mean, what are the odds? 

So, within the first few minutes of meeting someone, I try to gauge their sign, approaching it as if I were a pseudo-scientific detective; because you never know when just asking will be weird. I listen to and analyze words, body language, mannerisms and speech patterns, plugging the 'data' into some made up astro-behavioral, zodiac equation in my head that mostly uses process of elimination by cross-referencing what I think I know about every sign in the zodiac until I find one that matches.

That has about a one in 12 chance of being right and a 100 percent chance of being weird and awkward – which is when I play it up as being quirky. It's kind of a hit or miss with guys and the chances of them not writing me off and walking away depends on how hot they think I am, how drunk they are and what kind of success they feel they might have trying to get into my fancy pants (that would be a big fat zero, btw) by feigning interest and playing along.

But if I had to be completely honest, I don't deal with a person any better knowing their sign as when I was clueless. People are a product of their environment, so even though they may exhibit 'textbook' characteristics of their star sign, those are also influenced by experience.

I used to favor my 'matches' – Cancer, Capricorn and Pisces – because I felt like there was a higher success rate guaranteed by the stars. But even those relationships went to shit when those guys turned into just as much of a toolbag as those who came at me from the other side of the wheel.

Basically, everyone from my astrologically ideal matches to the complete opposite, has the potential to be a dick. Really ... Is the universe trying to tell me that the ideal match for a Scorpio is an asshole? I suppose it isn't out of the realm of possibility. I mean, we can also be assholes.

It's true. We mean what we say, say what we mean and do what we say we are going to do – it's that simple. We also expect everyone else to do the same and we are assholes when that doesn't happen. In a society of flaky people who like being vague so as to leave their options open, we’re not afraid to commit - to a chore, an adventure or even a relationship. 

It also applies to friendships. Just FYI.

I don't know when I became so neurotic about using astrology as a means to understand people. It never worked. Obviously, there's a rotten side to every sign (person). We all have a Jekyll and Hyde personality that manifests according to our experience and how we let it define us. I try to focus on the best- it helps me make excuses for the worst. And we all know how that ends: in a dramatic blog post about the most heart breaking break-ups in the history of my life.

Every single time.

Check it:

Pisces – first everything. He racked up a $2,000 phone bill calling 1-900 numbers because this was before free porn on the internet.

Capricorn – that guy that cheats on his girlfriend and doesn’t see anything wrong with it because he's not married to her.

Cancer – married and cheating because he didn't feel married in his heart – he just wanted to connect fun places because his wife's fun place was too far away.

And those were my compatibles. The non compats were not any better:

Taurus – cheated on me with his wife and another girl, plus he had convinced himself that he was a bad person who didn't deserve good things. Well, no shit.

Leo – they love attention and will get it from anywhere even calling a 'bed-warmer' over to have a 'cuddle'.

Gemini – dumped me for not granting access to my back door and then tried to jump me at a bar some months later. For realz. Like wtf?

Virgo – showered immediately after a heavy make-out session that included some aggressive petting - over the clothes. Never called after, but he was married a few weeks later.

I'm a Scorpio, supposedly the most magnetic, extreme and intimidating sign in the zodiac. We have seven symbols each representing the evolution of different traits. One of those symbols is the phoenix, which is supposedly the ultimate goal as a Scorpio.

Through destruction we are reborn and rise from our own ashes. Like Jean Grey of the X-Men. So, I'm basically just waiting to become a mutant. I'm kidding. All it means is that we hit that point in our lives when we achieve maturity, stability and comfort because we know we can survive anything. 

Including our exes and frenemies.

I've been around the zodiac wheel in friendships and relationships. In all that experience, the common denominator is me. Truth is, when someone meets you, they've already decided how they want you in their life – as a temp or a permanent fixture – and will make the appropriate effort.

Regardless of your sign or your crazy.

Or if your sign is crazy.

  

But,  I'm not totally ready to give up on my obsession. I feel like it helps me see people differently and figure out where it all went wrong - you know, in the end when I'm over-analyzing everything.